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ADULT MALE SURVIVORS OF CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE
Child Sexual Abuse - INTROduction
This is Dr. Irwin Jay Asher. Welcome to the Introduction of HEALING SESSIONS: A 10-day course on MEDITATIONS AND EXERCISES FOR MALE SURVIVORS OF CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE © 2021
This 10-day course is addressed to the many thousands of adult men around the world who were sexually abused as young children or teenagers and want to heal from the trauma they experienced. Your participation is a sign of inner strength and resilience. In this course, you’ll receive practical techniques that will enhance self-awareness of the impact your history may be having on your life today. The aim of this course is to give you the tools to heal and progress beyond your history of trauma. This is a self-paced course. You move from one session to the next whenever you feel ready. Healing is a slow and gradual process, please keep that in mind.These sessions may also help the partners, family and friends who stand by these adult men who were sexually abused as children.
I am Dr. Irwin Jay Asher, a retired family psychotherapist who specialized in the field of male sexual abuse. I co-founded the resurrected H.A.T.C.H. (Houston Area Teen Coalition of Homosexuals) – a support group for gay and lesbian youth – in 1990. I also led a support group in Fort Lauderdale, where I was in private practice, for adult men who were sexually abused as children. My Doctoral dissertation dealt with gay and lesbian adolescent suicide. I have written several novels, short stories and a book of poems mainly dealing with adult men who are survivors of childhood sexual abuse. These books can be found on Amazon.com under I. Jay Asher. Amazon also offers an Author’s Page listed under I. Jay Asher. My website can be found at www.ijayasher.Wixsite.com/writer.
Here is a short synopsis of each of these ten sessions. Be aware that some uncomfortable feelings may arise. Be kind to yourself. Stop if you are feeling overwhelmed. (Each of the ten session will begin and end with a healing meditation):1. Session One: The Power of Sharing Your Story: In this session, you will begin to understand the benefits of sharing your story.2. Session Two: Forgive/Don’t Hold On To Anger: In this session, you will learn techniques that will help you let go of anger issues stemming from your trauma.3. Session Three: Self Acceptance: You will learn how much more productive you will be once you see yourself as the man you were born to be.4. Session Four: Resilience: You will learn effective ways to enhance your resilience in everyday challenges.5. Session Five: Intimacy: Intimacy issues are identified and explained. We ask, How does your history of abuse impact your ability to be intimate?6. Session Six: Relationships: You will be asked to think about your own relationships, past and present.7. Session Seven: Relationships, Part II: More in-depth understanding of how to succeed in an intimate relationship.8. Session Eight: Strategies: We take a look at coping strategies, developed over the years, that no longer serve you well.9. Session Nine: How to Get the Help You Need: The benefits of finding a friend, family member, psychotherapist or support group are discussed.10. Session Ten: The Man I Live with Was Sexually Abused as a Child: You might want to share this session with family, friends, or, particularly, your partner.
There is also a Conclusion wherein I offer a final few words to end this healing course.Again, if you should want to read any of my books, they can be found on Amazon.com under I. Jay Asher.
This 10-day course is addressed to the many thousands of adult men around the world who were sexually abused as young children or teenagers and want to heal from the trauma they experienced. Your participation is a sign of inner strength and resilience. In this course, you’ll receive practical techniques that will enhance self-awareness of the impact your history may be having on your life today. The aim of this course is to give you the tools to heal and progress beyond your history of trauma. This is a self-paced course. You move from one session to the next whenever you feel ready. Healing is a slow and gradual process, please keep that in mind.These sessions may also help the partners, family and friends who stand by these adult men who were sexually abused as children.
I am Dr. Irwin Jay Asher, a retired family psychotherapist who specialized in the field of male sexual abuse. I co-founded the resurrected H.A.T.C.H. (Houston Area Teen Coalition of Homosexuals) – a support group for gay and lesbian youth – in 1990. I also led a support group in Fort Lauderdale, where I was in private practice, for adult men who were sexually abused as children. My Doctoral dissertation dealt with gay and lesbian adolescent suicide. I have written several novels, short stories and a book of poems mainly dealing with adult men who are survivors of childhood sexual abuse. These books can be found on Amazon.com under I. Jay Asher. Amazon also offers an Author’s Page listed under I. Jay Asher. My website can be found at www.ijayasher.Wixsite.com/writer.
Here is a short synopsis of each of these ten sessions. Be aware that some uncomfortable feelings may arise. Be kind to yourself. Stop if you are feeling overwhelmed. (Each of the ten session will begin and end with a healing meditation):1. Session One: The Power of Sharing Your Story: In this session, you will begin to understand the benefits of sharing your story.2. Session Two: Forgive/Don’t Hold On To Anger: In this session, you will learn techniques that will help you let go of anger issues stemming from your trauma.3. Session Three: Self Acceptance: You will learn how much more productive you will be once you see yourself as the man you were born to be.4. Session Four: Resilience: You will learn effective ways to enhance your resilience in everyday challenges.5. Session Five: Intimacy: Intimacy issues are identified and explained. We ask, How does your history of abuse impact your ability to be intimate?6. Session Six: Relationships: You will be asked to think about your own relationships, past and present.7. Session Seven: Relationships, Part II: More in-depth understanding of how to succeed in an intimate relationship.8. Session Eight: Strategies: We take a look at coping strategies, developed over the years, that no longer serve you well.9. Session Nine: How to Get the Help You Need: The benefits of finding a friend, family member, psychotherapist or support group are discussed.10. Session Ten: The Man I Live with Was Sexually Abused as a Child: You might want to share this session with family, friends, or, particularly, your partner.
There is also a Conclusion wherein I offer a final few words to end this healing course.Again, if you should want to read any of my books, they can be found on Amazon.com under I. Jay Asher.
Child Sexual Abuse - One
MEDITATIONS AND EXERCISES FOR MALE SURVIVORS OF CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE © 2021This is Healing Session One/The Power of Sharing Your Story
Sharing your story is about trust and insight. That trust and insight helps us heal the past. Liberation from the past allows us to take constructive action and move forward. And we want to move forward. Yes! Some uncomfortable feelings may come up.
To begin, let’s do a brief meditation. Close your eyes when you are settled and feeling comfortable. Rest your hands in your lap and check that your back is straight, not tensed. Please take a few deep breaths and breathe out as if you were blowing out a candle. Breathe in again, deeply, smile, feel yourself smiling, and say, I can accomplish any challenge. Breathe out slowly, and think, I release all negativity. Again, breathe in deeply, and think, I can accomplish any challenge. Breathe out slowly, and think, I release all negativity. One last time: breathe in deeply, and think, I can accomplish and challenge. Breathe out slowly, and think, I let go of all negativity. Open your eyes and take in the space around you. Excellent. Well done.
Sharing your story is the first step towards liberation. If your history of childhood sexual abuse continues to rage within you, talk is how, over time, you can release built-up tension and even gain new insight.Talk is not about reliving the past. It’s about letting go of anger and resentment, blame and shame, in order to become all that you were meant to achieve. The one thing I have learned about the consequences of childhood sexual abuse is that it puts a lid on expectations. We want to release that lid; we want freedom, freedom for our place in the sun.Start, perhaps, by buying a journal. Try to write every day; a line or two at first will get you used to “talking.” Work towards feeling comfortable telling your story. If you feel overwhelmed, stop, the recollections can be wrenching. Start again, slowly, when it feels right. Perhaps, to start the process, use single words that remind you of the bigger picture. The story has to come out as if you are going to move away from negative labels that shut down the vision of you in a successful and meaningful life.When and if you are ready, you can give your pain a voice by allowing someone to listen and respond. Pick a trusted, non-judgmental family member, friend or therapist or support group to help you navigate your childhood history at a time that feels right. If you find a support group, you will hear how other men have discovered options and solutions. No need to reinvent the wheel. Weight will be lifted from your shoulders; that freedom will give you the strength to think and act positively.In spite of most men being raised to believe it’s not manly to express emotions, it is cathartic to talk about the hurt being held tightly by your inner child. That is, the child within each of us that stores the joys and traumas of life. Hug your inner child. Talk to your inner child. Tell him he’s okay. Tell him he’s protected. Tell him life is safe. Talk until you feel your inner child begins to breathe again. Until your inner child feels calm.
If you’re presently in an abusive relationship, emotionally or physically, it’s time to communicate what’s going on. Take responsibility for your part in the drama. If there’s a message in your head that says you don’t deserve better, let that message go; let that message go NOW! Find help. Find a friend. Find an organization that will explain a way out. Find a therapist.I am not here to sell psychotherapy. I am here to tell you that I would never have been able to achieve a master’s and Doctorate in family therapy without talking through my past, and learning how to open up to seeing myself as a successful professional. By sharing your story in a group setting, you will learn from others how your feelings are a normal reaction to the abuse you have endured. With strength of character, you will learn, how to overcome and move on. Your fears, your doubts, your shame, and small setbacks – real or imagined – are all changeable. It is a long, hard journey to freedom from the past, but I promise, there won’t be a single day that you will regret taking the first step.
What have we learned today? We’ve learned that if you are stuck in a state of despair, if you go from one abusive relationship to another, it’s time to talk. Talk, we’ve learned, can be adapted to our personality. Introverts can start by journaling. Extroverts may choose therapy or group counseling. Standing still, repeating old patterns, DOES NOT WORK.Help yourself. Love yourself. Start! Take action.
Let’s end as we began with a short meditation. Again, close your eyes if it feels comfortable. Let’s breathe in deeply and exhale slowly. Let’s inhale and HOPE, and exhale and say SHAME GOODBYE. Okay, inhale slowly and deeply, and in a positive state of mind, say HOPE for freedom from the past. Let’s exhale with an audible sigh, and say SHAME GOODBYE. Well done.
I should like to recommend a book by John Bradshaw: HOME COMING, Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child.Thank you for participating in Meditation One, I look forward to seeing you in Meditation Two when we will be talking about FORGIVENESS. Till then, journal.
If you would like to discover the novels and short stories I have written, please go to Amazon.com and enter I. Jay Asher. You might particularly like the Jeremy Strange trilogy which deals with a man finding his way in the theater world after a childhood history of sexual abuse. I also have an Amazon Author Central Page. Or, find my website and read my blogs under: ijayasher.Wixsite.com/writer.
Sharing your story is about trust and insight. That trust and insight helps us heal the past. Liberation from the past allows us to take constructive action and move forward. And we want to move forward. Yes! Some uncomfortable feelings may come up.
To begin, let’s do a brief meditation. Close your eyes when you are settled and feeling comfortable. Rest your hands in your lap and check that your back is straight, not tensed. Please take a few deep breaths and breathe out as if you were blowing out a candle. Breathe in again, deeply, smile, feel yourself smiling, and say, I can accomplish any challenge. Breathe out slowly, and think, I release all negativity. Again, breathe in deeply, and think, I can accomplish any challenge. Breathe out slowly, and think, I release all negativity. One last time: breathe in deeply, and think, I can accomplish and challenge. Breathe out slowly, and think, I let go of all negativity. Open your eyes and take in the space around you. Excellent. Well done.
Sharing your story is the first step towards liberation. If your history of childhood sexual abuse continues to rage within you, talk is how, over time, you can release built-up tension and even gain new insight.Talk is not about reliving the past. It’s about letting go of anger and resentment, blame and shame, in order to become all that you were meant to achieve. The one thing I have learned about the consequences of childhood sexual abuse is that it puts a lid on expectations. We want to release that lid; we want freedom, freedom for our place in the sun.Start, perhaps, by buying a journal. Try to write every day; a line or two at first will get you used to “talking.” Work towards feeling comfortable telling your story. If you feel overwhelmed, stop, the recollections can be wrenching. Start again, slowly, when it feels right. Perhaps, to start the process, use single words that remind you of the bigger picture. The story has to come out as if you are going to move away from negative labels that shut down the vision of you in a successful and meaningful life.When and if you are ready, you can give your pain a voice by allowing someone to listen and respond. Pick a trusted, non-judgmental family member, friend or therapist or support group to help you navigate your childhood history at a time that feels right. If you find a support group, you will hear how other men have discovered options and solutions. No need to reinvent the wheel. Weight will be lifted from your shoulders; that freedom will give you the strength to think and act positively.In spite of most men being raised to believe it’s not manly to express emotions, it is cathartic to talk about the hurt being held tightly by your inner child. That is, the child within each of us that stores the joys and traumas of life. Hug your inner child. Talk to your inner child. Tell him he’s okay. Tell him he’s protected. Tell him life is safe. Talk until you feel your inner child begins to breathe again. Until your inner child feels calm.
If you’re presently in an abusive relationship, emotionally or physically, it’s time to communicate what’s going on. Take responsibility for your part in the drama. If there’s a message in your head that says you don’t deserve better, let that message go; let that message go NOW! Find help. Find a friend. Find an organization that will explain a way out. Find a therapist.I am not here to sell psychotherapy. I am here to tell you that I would never have been able to achieve a master’s and Doctorate in family therapy without talking through my past, and learning how to open up to seeing myself as a successful professional. By sharing your story in a group setting, you will learn from others how your feelings are a normal reaction to the abuse you have endured. With strength of character, you will learn, how to overcome and move on. Your fears, your doubts, your shame, and small setbacks – real or imagined – are all changeable. It is a long, hard journey to freedom from the past, but I promise, there won’t be a single day that you will regret taking the first step.
What have we learned today? We’ve learned that if you are stuck in a state of despair, if you go from one abusive relationship to another, it’s time to talk. Talk, we’ve learned, can be adapted to our personality. Introverts can start by journaling. Extroverts may choose therapy or group counseling. Standing still, repeating old patterns, DOES NOT WORK.Help yourself. Love yourself. Start! Take action.
Let’s end as we began with a short meditation. Again, close your eyes if it feels comfortable. Let’s breathe in deeply and exhale slowly. Let’s inhale and HOPE, and exhale and say SHAME GOODBYE. Okay, inhale slowly and deeply, and in a positive state of mind, say HOPE for freedom from the past. Let’s exhale with an audible sigh, and say SHAME GOODBYE. Well done.
I should like to recommend a book by John Bradshaw: HOME COMING, Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child.Thank you for participating in Meditation One, I look forward to seeing you in Meditation Two when we will be talking about FORGIVENESS. Till then, journal.
If you would like to discover the novels and short stories I have written, please go to Amazon.com and enter I. Jay Asher. You might particularly like the Jeremy Strange trilogy which deals with a man finding his way in the theater world after a childhood history of sexual abuse. I also have an Amazon Author Central Page. Or, find my website and read my blogs under: ijayasher.Wixsite.com/writer.
Child Sexual Abuse - two
MEDITATIONS AND EXERCISES FOR MALE SURVIVORS OF CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE © 2021Healing Session Two/Forgive, Don’t Hold on to Anger
Thank you for joining Meditation Two. I’m really pleased you have chosen to move on with me. Today, I am asking: Are you able to contemplate forgiveness and reap the physical and emotional benefits of letting go of anger and resentment? Some uncomfortable feelings may come up. Stop, when you need to,
Let’s begin with a short meditation. Find a comfortable position. Hands on your lap. Feet planted firmly on the floor. Close your eyes, if that feels comfortable. Take in a deep breath starting from your toes and moving through your body until you can sigh out deeply all the negativity. Feel that negativity leave your body. Breathe in deeply, starting from your toes and traversing your body until you sigh out all the toxins. Return to normal breathing. Allow your shoulders to relax. Feel your jaw relaxing. Now, feel the knots in your stomach letting go. Let go, indeed. Well done. Return to normal breathing.
For me, the first step in the forgiving process is allowing oneself to say and understand that what happened, childhood sexual abuse, was NOT your fault. Even if the assault was perpetrated by a family member, friend of the family or the brother of your best friend, it was not your fault. What I am saying is: As you listen to Meditation Two, think about forgiving yourself as well as forgiving whoever crossed your boundary; also, forgiving those who failed to protect you. You ARE a survivor. You ARE strength. You ARE able to positively recolor yourself inside and out.
Psychology Today defines forgiveness as the release of resentment or anger and describes it as “vitally important for the mental health of those who have been victimized.” I would also add physical health to mental health. Forgiveness also allows the history of childhood sexual abuse to remain in the past and not infect the present or future. Sounds simple; it isn’t. It’s real hard work to forgive. And, in no way does forgiveness allow your abuser off the hook. Forgiveness is about you. It’s about freeing yourself; letting go of negative energy and allowing yourself to live with positive energy. Yes, replacing negative with positive. Let me ask you a question. What has life taught you about attracting people? As a positive-thinking man, you will attract a positive partner. You will find the path to success at work. Many years ago, in Houston, as I began my practicve as a psychotherapist, a woman came in to see me. She had lost her son, her only child. The young man was delivering pizzas to help pay the family bills. He was shot, robbed and killed. I said to my client, the murderer took your son, don’t let him take your life too. And I say to you, your abuser stole your youth, don’t let him steal any more years of your precious life. Forgiveness is about you deciding to stop living your life around the childhood abuse, but instead live with the knowledge that you are strong and are a survivor. Like Wayne Dyer, the inspirational psychologist, would say, put Post-its on your bathroom mirror and refrigerator: I am a survivor. I am strong. I can be all that I am meant to be. The past is not my present or future.Anger, resentment, revenge require so much energy – negative energy. I have often said that negative energy costs our body and mind dearly. The history of abuse messages is negative. Why did he pick me? What should I have done differently? Why didn’t I say no, say stop? How to begin to let go of these negative messages that seem permanently set on REPLAY?Start by loving yourself. Change your mantra to: I am love. I am kind. I am honest. I deserve success. Yes, you deserve success, emotionally, financially, scholastically – any success you’re willing to work towards – put energy into.See where you are right now – this minute. Where do you want to go from here? You CAN get from here to there if you start the journey of forgiveness. Stop investing in anger. Stop investing in IF ONLYS. Stop! Picture your life whole. That’s how you get to your goal, by picturing yourself moving on. Shoulders back. Head held high. Let go. Stop investing in the past. Love possibilities. Love what you can accomplish. Embrace the challenge.Ask yourself: What have I learned? I’ll tell you: You’ve learned to survive Hell. A survivor can teach by sharing his story – as we discussed in Meditation One, you can help the guy reaching out. You can learn from the guys who are steps ahead of you. A survivor has learned that you can be at the bottom and climb up and out one step at a time. One step is forgiving. Focus is required for a positive outcome. Focus is required for a loving and respectful relationship. Focus is required to allow you to succeed at a great career.Working with adult men who were sexually abused as children has taught me that, generally, many of them have a limited view of themselves in a picture of success. Anger and secrets held tightly can prevent long-lasting intimacy. Careers may be stilted because the men, the clients, didn’t believe they deserved more. Deserve is a big word. We’ll create a special meditation on Deserve.
Now, I’d like to share how I stop ruminating; that is, when the mind plays and replays negative messages. How I help myself cope.First, I believe in restorative sleep. Sleep can be your best friend. Get the television out of your bedroom. Make your bedroom simply a space for rejuvenation. Make sure the room is dark. At least twenty minutes before going to sleep, stop the world. Meditation here would help. Second, exercise. Program an exercise time every day, if possible. Alternate between walking and weights.Third, connect with people who are programmed for joy. Invest in men and women who make you smile. Make you laugh. I have a pillow in my workroom that says: Choose Joy. It helps.Fourth, never underestimate the power of the sun to bring light to your darkest corners/thoughts. Walk in the sun. Sit in the sun. Be aware of the sun. If it’s raining, think of a happy time at the beach or anywhere the sun has made a difference in your state of mind.Fifth, if at all possible, plan stillness. I find if I sit still and listen to Reiki music for twenty minutes or more, I can conquer any problem. Here’s a job: Find your own musical guru.
Let’s end with a meditation. Take a deep breath in and exhale slowly. Relax your jaw. Feel your shoulders relaxing. Take another deep breath in and – as we exhale – let’s imagine a golden light above our heads. Let’s imagine that golden light has power to relax our bodies. The light, as it embraces our head makes our eyes and particularly our chin relax. As we breathe in and out let’s remember how much stress we store in our chin. Focus that golden light and release the tension in our chin. The light moves down our neck and we can feel the tension dissipate. Our shoulders are next. The golden light massages our shoulders, roll them forwards once or twice and feel the tension leave. The light moves down our chest and upper back. Again, the warmth of the golden light releases hard-earned tension. The body is relaxing. Feel the stomach and lower back sigh a sigh of relief. Move the light to your thighs, knees, shins and calves. Let go of tension. And lastly, feel the warmth, the comfort of the golden light massage your feet and toes. Wiggle your toes and fingers. Take a deep breath, exhale and allow your eyes to open. Well done. Congratulations.
If you want to spend more time on forgiveness, I would strongly recommend you listen to Moira Hutchinson’s ten-day course on Forgiveness on Insight Timer.
Thank you again for joining me on this journey. See you for Meditation Three when we will talk about self-acceptance.
Thank you for joining Meditation Two. I’m really pleased you have chosen to move on with me. Today, I am asking: Are you able to contemplate forgiveness and reap the physical and emotional benefits of letting go of anger and resentment? Some uncomfortable feelings may come up. Stop, when you need to,
Let’s begin with a short meditation. Find a comfortable position. Hands on your lap. Feet planted firmly on the floor. Close your eyes, if that feels comfortable. Take in a deep breath starting from your toes and moving through your body until you can sigh out deeply all the negativity. Feel that negativity leave your body. Breathe in deeply, starting from your toes and traversing your body until you sigh out all the toxins. Return to normal breathing. Allow your shoulders to relax. Feel your jaw relaxing. Now, feel the knots in your stomach letting go. Let go, indeed. Well done. Return to normal breathing.
For me, the first step in the forgiving process is allowing oneself to say and understand that what happened, childhood sexual abuse, was NOT your fault. Even if the assault was perpetrated by a family member, friend of the family or the brother of your best friend, it was not your fault. What I am saying is: As you listen to Meditation Two, think about forgiving yourself as well as forgiving whoever crossed your boundary; also, forgiving those who failed to protect you. You ARE a survivor. You ARE strength. You ARE able to positively recolor yourself inside and out.
Psychology Today defines forgiveness as the release of resentment or anger and describes it as “vitally important for the mental health of those who have been victimized.” I would also add physical health to mental health. Forgiveness also allows the history of childhood sexual abuse to remain in the past and not infect the present or future. Sounds simple; it isn’t. It’s real hard work to forgive. And, in no way does forgiveness allow your abuser off the hook. Forgiveness is about you. It’s about freeing yourself; letting go of negative energy and allowing yourself to live with positive energy. Yes, replacing negative with positive. Let me ask you a question. What has life taught you about attracting people? As a positive-thinking man, you will attract a positive partner. You will find the path to success at work. Many years ago, in Houston, as I began my practicve as a psychotherapist, a woman came in to see me. She had lost her son, her only child. The young man was delivering pizzas to help pay the family bills. He was shot, robbed and killed. I said to my client, the murderer took your son, don’t let him take your life too. And I say to you, your abuser stole your youth, don’t let him steal any more years of your precious life. Forgiveness is about you deciding to stop living your life around the childhood abuse, but instead live with the knowledge that you are strong and are a survivor. Like Wayne Dyer, the inspirational psychologist, would say, put Post-its on your bathroom mirror and refrigerator: I am a survivor. I am strong. I can be all that I am meant to be. The past is not my present or future.Anger, resentment, revenge require so much energy – negative energy. I have often said that negative energy costs our body and mind dearly. The history of abuse messages is negative. Why did he pick me? What should I have done differently? Why didn’t I say no, say stop? How to begin to let go of these negative messages that seem permanently set on REPLAY?Start by loving yourself. Change your mantra to: I am love. I am kind. I am honest. I deserve success. Yes, you deserve success, emotionally, financially, scholastically – any success you’re willing to work towards – put energy into.See where you are right now – this minute. Where do you want to go from here? You CAN get from here to there if you start the journey of forgiveness. Stop investing in anger. Stop investing in IF ONLYS. Stop! Picture your life whole. That’s how you get to your goal, by picturing yourself moving on. Shoulders back. Head held high. Let go. Stop investing in the past. Love possibilities. Love what you can accomplish. Embrace the challenge.Ask yourself: What have I learned? I’ll tell you: You’ve learned to survive Hell. A survivor can teach by sharing his story – as we discussed in Meditation One, you can help the guy reaching out. You can learn from the guys who are steps ahead of you. A survivor has learned that you can be at the bottom and climb up and out one step at a time. One step is forgiving. Focus is required for a positive outcome. Focus is required for a loving and respectful relationship. Focus is required to allow you to succeed at a great career.Working with adult men who were sexually abused as children has taught me that, generally, many of them have a limited view of themselves in a picture of success. Anger and secrets held tightly can prevent long-lasting intimacy. Careers may be stilted because the men, the clients, didn’t believe they deserved more. Deserve is a big word. We’ll create a special meditation on Deserve.
Now, I’d like to share how I stop ruminating; that is, when the mind plays and replays negative messages. How I help myself cope.First, I believe in restorative sleep. Sleep can be your best friend. Get the television out of your bedroom. Make your bedroom simply a space for rejuvenation. Make sure the room is dark. At least twenty minutes before going to sleep, stop the world. Meditation here would help. Second, exercise. Program an exercise time every day, if possible. Alternate between walking and weights.Third, connect with people who are programmed for joy. Invest in men and women who make you smile. Make you laugh. I have a pillow in my workroom that says: Choose Joy. It helps.Fourth, never underestimate the power of the sun to bring light to your darkest corners/thoughts. Walk in the sun. Sit in the sun. Be aware of the sun. If it’s raining, think of a happy time at the beach or anywhere the sun has made a difference in your state of mind.Fifth, if at all possible, plan stillness. I find if I sit still and listen to Reiki music for twenty minutes or more, I can conquer any problem. Here’s a job: Find your own musical guru.
Let’s end with a meditation. Take a deep breath in and exhale slowly. Relax your jaw. Feel your shoulders relaxing. Take another deep breath in and – as we exhale – let’s imagine a golden light above our heads. Let’s imagine that golden light has power to relax our bodies. The light, as it embraces our head makes our eyes and particularly our chin relax. As we breathe in and out let’s remember how much stress we store in our chin. Focus that golden light and release the tension in our chin. The light moves down our neck and we can feel the tension dissipate. Our shoulders are next. The golden light massages our shoulders, roll them forwards once or twice and feel the tension leave. The light moves down our chest and upper back. Again, the warmth of the golden light releases hard-earned tension. The body is relaxing. Feel the stomach and lower back sigh a sigh of relief. Move the light to your thighs, knees, shins and calves. Let go of tension. And lastly, feel the warmth, the comfort of the golden light massage your feet and toes. Wiggle your toes and fingers. Take a deep breath, exhale and allow your eyes to open. Well done. Congratulations.
If you want to spend more time on forgiveness, I would strongly recommend you listen to Moira Hutchinson’s ten-day course on Forgiveness on Insight Timer.
Thank you again for joining me on this journey. See you for Meditation Three when we will talk about self-acceptance.
Child Sexual Abuse - three
MEDITATIONS AND EXERCISES FOR MALE SURVIVORS OF CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE ©2021Healing Session Three/Self-Acceptance
Thank you all for joining me for Meditation Three. I’m happy to be with you today.
I have found in my work with adult male survivors of childhood sexual abuse that some of them have a difficult time identifying what is good, even exceptional about them. However, generally, they can speak eloquently about what is lacking. Looking at oneself honestly, taking inventory of one’s strengths and weaknesses, abilities and limitations is how to begin the process of self-acceptance. Some uncomfortable feelings may come up. If you don’t accept yourself, how do you go about accepting others? Let me ask that question again. If you don’t accept yourself, how do you go about accepting others? If people see that you are judgmental, non-accepting or only accepting on your terms, how do these relationships become meaningful? The biggest question of all: Will you allow people to know you? Can you be vulnerable? Opening up – at your own speed – can create an enduring connection. And we all need connections for physical and mental well-being.
Let’s begin a short meditation. Please close your eyes if that feels comfortable. Feel your jaw and shoulders relax. Take a deep breath in through your nose and exhale with audible enthusiasm through your mouth. Imagine yourself in a box. All six sides are immovable, but there’s light coming in from the top corner. With the help of the light, you see multiple small boxes stacked in each of the corners. You go to each stack and realize they are movable. A plan comes to mind. You feel yourself breathing easier now as you stack all of the boxes beneath the light. Climbing on them, you realize there’s a hatch. Breathe. When you open the hatch and peek outside, you see signs reading: Welcome to your world. We’ve been waiting for your light. Join us. Let’s make miracles happen! Breathe. Now open your eyes dear fellow traveler – and smile. Smiling is its own small miracle. Smiling can change energy from dark to light. Take a deep breath in and exhale with enthusiasm. Keep the smile going.
There is a basic rule in psychotherapy that states: The therapist cannot take his client emotionally beyond where he has gone emotionally himself. Knowing I wanted to take my clients as far as they wanted to go, I kept working on my personal growth. I use this metaphor to say: You cannot have a relationship with a friend, family member or significant other that goes beyond your comfort zone, your personal growth. Look around. What do you see? Are there people you don’t know that you would like to know? Is there someone you’d like to date but feel you’re not enough? Not enough. That’s a big one. Let’s look at self-acceptance backwards. Accepting self. Do you accept self? Does the energy you put out into the universe say, I’m okay, take a chance on me? People read energy, whether they’re aware of it or not. We’re here to help you move out of your box and step forward.
All the research I have done on mind and body say the same thing: It is easier for us to talk negative to ourselves rather than positive. So, I ask you, can you accept yourself? We know you can accept the negative, but the big question: Can you accept the positive? If someone says to you, You didn’t mend that fence very well, can you respond positively? Can you say, AND, feel the pride? If you want love in your relationships, success at work, and deep sleep, it starts with accepting ourselves as we are. The good. The bad. The ugly. And the beautiful.We’re told not to exaggerate our talents/gifts, it’s egotistical. People won’t like us. How about liking ourselves? How often were you praised? How often do you praise yourself today? How often were you scolded? How often do you scold yourself today? Let’s make a list. Can you list your talents, your abilities? Do not take your gifts for granted because they come easy to you. If you’re good at computers, put it on the list. If you’re good at car mechanics, add it to your list. Learn to see yourself positively. What are we good at? Learning meaningful self-improvement provides the foundation for healthy and respectful relationships; it means going into a job interview and the person sitting across from you sees and feels your confidence. Like actors who practice in front of a mirror learning how to growl or learning how to look surprised, practice seeing yourself positively. Put a smiling photo of yourself on your phone screen. Keep a picture of yourself in a successful situation on your desk. Put positive postits on your bathroom mirror.
Confidence? Confidence means unconditional self-acceptance. We hear about unconditional love, but how about unconditional self-acceptance. You accept that you were sexually abused as a child. Does that define you today? Are you still unforgiving? Are you vengeful? Do you believe everyone you meet can see you’re damaged? When you fix someone’s car, and they thank you, do you allow the compliment – or do you reject it because there’s no space in you for positivity? Try to imagine a list that will help you see yourself as competent? Perhaps, call it your Confidence List. There is an essay titled What is Self-Acceptance? The author, Courtney Ackerman, writes, FULL SELF-ACCEPTANCE CAN LAY THE FOUNDATION FOR POSITIVE SELF-ESTEEM. She underlines positive self-esteem. I agree. Positive self-esteem is the bedrock for the life you want. A lack of self-esteem could mean you continue to see yourself through the lens of your sexual abuse. According to Ackerman, a lack of self-acceptance is related to lower levels of well-being and perhaps even mental illness. Think about it, doesn’t it make sense?When I taught college, on the first day of class, I would ask the students to write five words that described them, in order of importance. The exercise was always a revelation. Many women put woman first, mother second and then career title. Many men put father first, career second. Okay, are you willing to try? What are your five descriptors? Stop the audio. Think. Or, better yet, don’t think, just write what comes to mind.
Like in many industries, fashion comes to mind, there are trends. What’s popular to talk about today? Well in the self-help world, the fashion is to talk about “reframing.” It works for us here. Reframing or re-imagining seems to be saying the same thing. There are childhood messages in all of us. Never underestimate the power of a childhood message. Ask your inner child. Can you make a list in your journal of the labels given to you in childhood that remain with you today? Take your time. It may be difficult to extricate childhood messages because we carry them so diligently into adulthood. The idea of the exercise is to reframe or reimagine these labels from negatives to positives. Which messages continue to color how you see yourself? If the message is negative, take your time and challenge yourself to turn it into a positive. ‘John, you’re always untidy’ could be a message. Turn it into a positive. I’m a creative soul; what seems untidy to you is my way of keeping my multiple ideas in front of me. Very important to ask yourself: Which messages support and which messages detract from my confidence, happiness and satisfaction? This last question is a direct quote from Courtney Ackerman’s paper I referred to earlier, What is Self-Acceptance? I highly recommend you find it online, print it out and work the creative exercises. Courtney Ackerman, MA, “What is Self-Acceptance?”
Let’s conclude with a self-acceptance meditation. Again, close your eyes if that’s comfortable. Feel yourself at ease as you let go of any tension in your body.Breathe in and say: I accept myself. Breathe out: I accept you.Breathe in: I am kind to myself. Breathe out: I can be kind to you.Breathe in: I count my blessings. Breathe out: I accept our differences.Breathe in: I know what I offer; it’s good stuff. Breathe out: I accept what you offer.Breathe in: I work on my journey every day. Breathe out: I want to attract people who are on a journey.Breathe in: I work at sending positive vibes. Breathe out: I expect positive vibes in return.Breathe in: When I receive negative vibes…Breathe out: I will still send positive vibes.Open your eyes and look around your space. Don’t forget to smile.
I’d like to recommend Viktor Frankl’s 1946 book entitled, Man’s Search for Meaning. The book discusses identifying a purpose in life to feel positive about, and then, immersively working towards your chosen outcome.Thank you for joining me today. See you tomorrow when we talk about Resilience.
Thank you all for joining me for Meditation Three. I’m happy to be with you today.
I have found in my work with adult male survivors of childhood sexual abuse that some of them have a difficult time identifying what is good, even exceptional about them. However, generally, they can speak eloquently about what is lacking. Looking at oneself honestly, taking inventory of one’s strengths and weaknesses, abilities and limitations is how to begin the process of self-acceptance. Some uncomfortable feelings may come up. If you don’t accept yourself, how do you go about accepting others? Let me ask that question again. If you don’t accept yourself, how do you go about accepting others? If people see that you are judgmental, non-accepting or only accepting on your terms, how do these relationships become meaningful? The biggest question of all: Will you allow people to know you? Can you be vulnerable? Opening up – at your own speed – can create an enduring connection. And we all need connections for physical and mental well-being.
Let’s begin a short meditation. Please close your eyes if that feels comfortable. Feel your jaw and shoulders relax. Take a deep breath in through your nose and exhale with audible enthusiasm through your mouth. Imagine yourself in a box. All six sides are immovable, but there’s light coming in from the top corner. With the help of the light, you see multiple small boxes stacked in each of the corners. You go to each stack and realize they are movable. A plan comes to mind. You feel yourself breathing easier now as you stack all of the boxes beneath the light. Climbing on them, you realize there’s a hatch. Breathe. When you open the hatch and peek outside, you see signs reading: Welcome to your world. We’ve been waiting for your light. Join us. Let’s make miracles happen! Breathe. Now open your eyes dear fellow traveler – and smile. Smiling is its own small miracle. Smiling can change energy from dark to light. Take a deep breath in and exhale with enthusiasm. Keep the smile going.
There is a basic rule in psychotherapy that states: The therapist cannot take his client emotionally beyond where he has gone emotionally himself. Knowing I wanted to take my clients as far as they wanted to go, I kept working on my personal growth. I use this metaphor to say: You cannot have a relationship with a friend, family member or significant other that goes beyond your comfort zone, your personal growth. Look around. What do you see? Are there people you don’t know that you would like to know? Is there someone you’d like to date but feel you’re not enough? Not enough. That’s a big one. Let’s look at self-acceptance backwards. Accepting self. Do you accept self? Does the energy you put out into the universe say, I’m okay, take a chance on me? People read energy, whether they’re aware of it or not. We’re here to help you move out of your box and step forward.
All the research I have done on mind and body say the same thing: It is easier for us to talk negative to ourselves rather than positive. So, I ask you, can you accept yourself? We know you can accept the negative, but the big question: Can you accept the positive? If someone says to you, You didn’t mend that fence very well, can you respond positively? Can you say, AND, feel the pride? If you want love in your relationships, success at work, and deep sleep, it starts with accepting ourselves as we are. The good. The bad. The ugly. And the beautiful.We’re told not to exaggerate our talents/gifts, it’s egotistical. People won’t like us. How about liking ourselves? How often were you praised? How often do you praise yourself today? How often were you scolded? How often do you scold yourself today? Let’s make a list. Can you list your talents, your abilities? Do not take your gifts for granted because they come easy to you. If you’re good at computers, put it on the list. If you’re good at car mechanics, add it to your list. Learn to see yourself positively. What are we good at? Learning meaningful self-improvement provides the foundation for healthy and respectful relationships; it means going into a job interview and the person sitting across from you sees and feels your confidence. Like actors who practice in front of a mirror learning how to growl or learning how to look surprised, practice seeing yourself positively. Put a smiling photo of yourself on your phone screen. Keep a picture of yourself in a successful situation on your desk. Put positive postits on your bathroom mirror.
Confidence? Confidence means unconditional self-acceptance. We hear about unconditional love, but how about unconditional self-acceptance. You accept that you were sexually abused as a child. Does that define you today? Are you still unforgiving? Are you vengeful? Do you believe everyone you meet can see you’re damaged? When you fix someone’s car, and they thank you, do you allow the compliment – or do you reject it because there’s no space in you for positivity? Try to imagine a list that will help you see yourself as competent? Perhaps, call it your Confidence List. There is an essay titled What is Self-Acceptance? The author, Courtney Ackerman, writes, FULL SELF-ACCEPTANCE CAN LAY THE FOUNDATION FOR POSITIVE SELF-ESTEEM. She underlines positive self-esteem. I agree. Positive self-esteem is the bedrock for the life you want. A lack of self-esteem could mean you continue to see yourself through the lens of your sexual abuse. According to Ackerman, a lack of self-acceptance is related to lower levels of well-being and perhaps even mental illness. Think about it, doesn’t it make sense?When I taught college, on the first day of class, I would ask the students to write five words that described them, in order of importance. The exercise was always a revelation. Many women put woman first, mother second and then career title. Many men put father first, career second. Okay, are you willing to try? What are your five descriptors? Stop the audio. Think. Or, better yet, don’t think, just write what comes to mind.
Like in many industries, fashion comes to mind, there are trends. What’s popular to talk about today? Well in the self-help world, the fashion is to talk about “reframing.” It works for us here. Reframing or re-imagining seems to be saying the same thing. There are childhood messages in all of us. Never underestimate the power of a childhood message. Ask your inner child. Can you make a list in your journal of the labels given to you in childhood that remain with you today? Take your time. It may be difficult to extricate childhood messages because we carry them so diligently into adulthood. The idea of the exercise is to reframe or reimagine these labels from negatives to positives. Which messages continue to color how you see yourself? If the message is negative, take your time and challenge yourself to turn it into a positive. ‘John, you’re always untidy’ could be a message. Turn it into a positive. I’m a creative soul; what seems untidy to you is my way of keeping my multiple ideas in front of me. Very important to ask yourself: Which messages support and which messages detract from my confidence, happiness and satisfaction? This last question is a direct quote from Courtney Ackerman’s paper I referred to earlier, What is Self-Acceptance? I highly recommend you find it online, print it out and work the creative exercises. Courtney Ackerman, MA, “What is Self-Acceptance?”
Let’s conclude with a self-acceptance meditation. Again, close your eyes if that’s comfortable. Feel yourself at ease as you let go of any tension in your body.Breathe in and say: I accept myself. Breathe out: I accept you.Breathe in: I am kind to myself. Breathe out: I can be kind to you.Breathe in: I count my blessings. Breathe out: I accept our differences.Breathe in: I know what I offer; it’s good stuff. Breathe out: I accept what you offer.Breathe in: I work on my journey every day. Breathe out: I want to attract people who are on a journey.Breathe in: I work at sending positive vibes. Breathe out: I expect positive vibes in return.Breathe in: When I receive negative vibes…Breathe out: I will still send positive vibes.Open your eyes and look around your space. Don’t forget to smile.
I’d like to recommend Viktor Frankl’s 1946 book entitled, Man’s Search for Meaning. The book discusses identifying a purpose in life to feel positive about, and then, immersively working towards your chosen outcome.Thank you for joining me today. See you tomorrow when we talk about Resilience.
Child Sexual Abuse - four
MEDITATIONS AND EXERCISES FOR MALE SURVIVORS OF CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE © 2021Healing Session Four/Resilience
Thank you for continuing on this journey with me. I’m grateful to have you along today.
If you were sexually abused as a child, and you’re here today working to be stronger, you are resilient. Resilient can be defined as the ability of a person to adjust to or recover readily from adversity or major life challenges. You may not see yourself as resilient because you want more from life, NOW, but you are resilient. You’re here, right? You have inner strength. Let’s see if we can build on that inner strength. Let’s see if your resilience can help you create a future free of the past.
But first, a brief meditation. If it feels comfortable, close your eyes. Take a deep healing breath in through the nose and exhale slowly through the mouth. Feel your body relaxing. Relax your head and your jaw as you breathe in and out. Focus on your normal breathing. There is nothing else happening, just breathing. Drop your shoulders. Breathe in and think RELAX. Breathe out and think LET GO OF TENSION. Breathe in and think REACT WITH LOVE, breathe out and think NO MORE AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR. Breathe in and say to yourself, I APPRECIATE THE PATH THAT I’M UNDERTAKING. Return to your natural breathing. Open your eyes slowly and think, I WANT A FUTURE FREE OF THE PAST. And that’s what we’re searching for here: A FUTURE FREE OF THE PAST.
Resilience starts with your inner strength being able to modify, restructure or reframe your response to your history of abuse. How you see yourself is important. Self-esteem is the foundation of resilience. Do you like yourself? Do you feel people who are important to you like you? How important is their approval? Can you stay strong when others send you negative messages? Can you look in the mirror and say, I like you, you make a difference… Is making a difference important to you? Do you bounce back when knocked down? Do you have hope? Do the people you invest in encourage hope in you? Are you investing in people who believe in you? Elliott Treves, on Insight Timer, asks the meditator, as he breathes in and out, to think, I AM LOVE. Does that fit you? Are you love? Are you anger? Are you the past? Are you the present? The movie, I AM LOVE, by Italian director Luca Guadagnino, tells the story of a woman, played by Tilda Swinton, who starts out being a part of great wealth, her husband’s family fortune. Life and her children teach her to want more emotionally, to be authentic. In the end, it’s her resilience that gives her freedom to discover and build upon what she is learning about herself. The movie asks, Do you have her strength? Can you do what’s right for your path to freedom and authenticity? Then ask yourself, In spite of my childhood history, can I fight to be all that I was meant to be?
Research states clearly that resilience depends on relationships; that is, if there are people in your life that you trust, it will be easier to stick to your path to freedom/liberation because you have a supportive team. That brings up a truly interesting question. Do you push people away? Are you uncomfortable when people know you? Or, do you understand that you need family and friends to share your joys and stumbles? Trust keeps coming up. Whom do you trust? If the answer is no one, ask yourself if your past is coloring your present.
Compare resilience to riding a bike. When you first tried, you probably fell over and scraped your knee or hand. You got frustrated. But you didn’t quit, not even after the second and third spill. You, the resilient person, pushed through the initial discomfort and realized there is greater joy and satisfaction ahead. You wanted something bad enough and you made it happen. Learning to ride a bike is a great metaphor for resilience. What it tells us is that resilience is a character trait and a strength that can be learned. Stress and trauma are a part of everyone’s life. Chronic stress can take a toll on your mind and body. It accumulates in our system and makes us ever ready for fight or flight. Over time, stress and trauma will lower resilience. How to build back resilience? Here are some suggestions:• Communicate.• Focus on encouraging words. • Have a ready tranquil scene you can call upon. A beach. The ocean. Mountains.• Create a soothing mantra. Repeat it to yourself until you feel quieter.• Try Yoga or Tai-Chi. How about walking in a bucolic setting?
Here are additional tools to build a resilient life:• Positivity. Positive affirmations goes a long way to color what you are experiencing. • Joy. Noting how much joy friends, family and work bring into your life.• Create strong bonds and interpersonal connections.• Be aware of how you manage challenging situations.• Do not settle for negative people because they happen to be available.• Work at what satisfies you. • Find balance in your day. That is, manage your energy.• Remember self-acceptance. Self-acceptance adds up to a joyful and resilient life.
Let’s think about examples of Resilient Behavior:• Understanding setbacks are not forever.• Ask yourself: How do I see this setback as an opportunity for growth?• Make sure what you believe is real.• Manage your emotions: Respond, don’t react….as often as possible.• Focus and learn from events you’ve managed well.• Here’s a big one: Don’t put yourself in the victim role.• Eat well. Exercise often. Manage what you fuel your mind and body with.• And, maintain a positive outlook. Add up the positives over and over again, until you’re a believer.
We’ll conclude with a Resilience meditation. Find a comfortable position, back straight or lying down and close your eyes.Breathe in and say, I am resilient; breathe out and say, I’m letting go of negativity.Breathe in and say, I am free of the past; breathe out and say, victim no longer.Breathe in and say, I will respond; breathe out and say, I will limit my reactions.Breathe in and say, I am resilient; breathe out and say, I am not a victim.Breathe in and say, I am love; breathe out and say, I let go of resentment.Breathe in and say, I am on a positive path; breathe out and say, I let go of negativity.And the last one: Breathe in and say, I am resilient; breathe out and say, I let go of resentment.
Well done. Thank you for joining me today. You might want to go online and find Genie Joseph, MA, adjunct professor, who writes about different types of resilience. It’s thought provoking.
See you tomorrow when we will talk about Intimacy.
Thank you for continuing on this journey with me. I’m grateful to have you along today.
If you were sexually abused as a child, and you’re here today working to be stronger, you are resilient. Resilient can be defined as the ability of a person to adjust to or recover readily from adversity or major life challenges. You may not see yourself as resilient because you want more from life, NOW, but you are resilient. You’re here, right? You have inner strength. Let’s see if we can build on that inner strength. Let’s see if your resilience can help you create a future free of the past.
But first, a brief meditation. If it feels comfortable, close your eyes. Take a deep healing breath in through the nose and exhale slowly through the mouth. Feel your body relaxing. Relax your head and your jaw as you breathe in and out. Focus on your normal breathing. There is nothing else happening, just breathing. Drop your shoulders. Breathe in and think RELAX. Breathe out and think LET GO OF TENSION. Breathe in and think REACT WITH LOVE, breathe out and think NO MORE AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOR. Breathe in and say to yourself, I APPRECIATE THE PATH THAT I’M UNDERTAKING. Return to your natural breathing. Open your eyes slowly and think, I WANT A FUTURE FREE OF THE PAST. And that’s what we’re searching for here: A FUTURE FREE OF THE PAST.
Resilience starts with your inner strength being able to modify, restructure or reframe your response to your history of abuse. How you see yourself is important. Self-esteem is the foundation of resilience. Do you like yourself? Do you feel people who are important to you like you? How important is their approval? Can you stay strong when others send you negative messages? Can you look in the mirror and say, I like you, you make a difference… Is making a difference important to you? Do you bounce back when knocked down? Do you have hope? Do the people you invest in encourage hope in you? Are you investing in people who believe in you? Elliott Treves, on Insight Timer, asks the meditator, as he breathes in and out, to think, I AM LOVE. Does that fit you? Are you love? Are you anger? Are you the past? Are you the present? The movie, I AM LOVE, by Italian director Luca Guadagnino, tells the story of a woman, played by Tilda Swinton, who starts out being a part of great wealth, her husband’s family fortune. Life and her children teach her to want more emotionally, to be authentic. In the end, it’s her resilience that gives her freedom to discover and build upon what she is learning about herself. The movie asks, Do you have her strength? Can you do what’s right for your path to freedom and authenticity? Then ask yourself, In spite of my childhood history, can I fight to be all that I was meant to be?
Research states clearly that resilience depends on relationships; that is, if there are people in your life that you trust, it will be easier to stick to your path to freedom/liberation because you have a supportive team. That brings up a truly interesting question. Do you push people away? Are you uncomfortable when people know you? Or, do you understand that you need family and friends to share your joys and stumbles? Trust keeps coming up. Whom do you trust? If the answer is no one, ask yourself if your past is coloring your present.
Compare resilience to riding a bike. When you first tried, you probably fell over and scraped your knee or hand. You got frustrated. But you didn’t quit, not even after the second and third spill. You, the resilient person, pushed through the initial discomfort and realized there is greater joy and satisfaction ahead. You wanted something bad enough and you made it happen. Learning to ride a bike is a great metaphor for resilience. What it tells us is that resilience is a character trait and a strength that can be learned. Stress and trauma are a part of everyone’s life. Chronic stress can take a toll on your mind and body. It accumulates in our system and makes us ever ready for fight or flight. Over time, stress and trauma will lower resilience. How to build back resilience? Here are some suggestions:• Communicate.• Focus on encouraging words. • Have a ready tranquil scene you can call upon. A beach. The ocean. Mountains.• Create a soothing mantra. Repeat it to yourself until you feel quieter.• Try Yoga or Tai-Chi. How about walking in a bucolic setting?
Here are additional tools to build a resilient life:• Positivity. Positive affirmations goes a long way to color what you are experiencing. • Joy. Noting how much joy friends, family and work bring into your life.• Create strong bonds and interpersonal connections.• Be aware of how you manage challenging situations.• Do not settle for negative people because they happen to be available.• Work at what satisfies you. • Find balance in your day. That is, manage your energy.• Remember self-acceptance. Self-acceptance adds up to a joyful and resilient life.
Let’s think about examples of Resilient Behavior:• Understanding setbacks are not forever.• Ask yourself: How do I see this setback as an opportunity for growth?• Make sure what you believe is real.• Manage your emotions: Respond, don’t react….as often as possible.• Focus and learn from events you’ve managed well.• Here’s a big one: Don’t put yourself in the victim role.• Eat well. Exercise often. Manage what you fuel your mind and body with.• And, maintain a positive outlook. Add up the positives over and over again, until you’re a believer.
We’ll conclude with a Resilience meditation. Find a comfortable position, back straight or lying down and close your eyes.Breathe in and say, I am resilient; breathe out and say, I’m letting go of negativity.Breathe in and say, I am free of the past; breathe out and say, victim no longer.Breathe in and say, I will respond; breathe out and say, I will limit my reactions.Breathe in and say, I am resilient; breathe out and say, I am not a victim.Breathe in and say, I am love; breathe out and say, I let go of resentment.Breathe in and say, I am on a positive path; breathe out and say, I let go of negativity.And the last one: Breathe in and say, I am resilient; breathe out and say, I let go of resentment.
Well done. Thank you for joining me today. You might want to go online and find Genie Joseph, MA, adjunct professor, who writes about different types of resilience. It’s thought provoking.
See you tomorrow when we will talk about Intimacy.
Child Sexual Abuse - five
MEDITATIONS AND EXERCISES FOR MALE SURVIVORS OF CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE © 2021Healing Session Five/Intimacy
Hello everyone. Thank you for joining me for Meditation Five: Intimacy. Are you ready? We’ve been talking about the power of a smile to change the mood of an intimate moment. But, if we get intimacy right, a big smile follows. Be aware, some uncomfortable feelings may come up. Take care of yourself. STOP if you feel overwhelmed.
Here’s a short meditation before we begin. Let’s take a deep breath in and relax before we move on. Breathe out and relax the mind. Find a comfortable position. Gently, close your eyes if you like. Put your hand over your heart, breathe in and say, I am love. Breathe out with a deep, releasing sigh, and feel the anger leave your body. Breathe in and say: I want genuine intimacy. Breathe out and say, I let go of false gestures.Breathe in and say: I will work at accepting genuine affection. Breathe out and say, I will learn to let go of negativity.Breathe in and say, I want to share positivity. Breathe out and say, I will take a step towards letting go of negativity.Breathe in and say, I am love; breathe out and say, be kind or let me go.Scan your body from head to toe and take a deep breath in: breathe out slowly and let go of tension in your head, neck and shoulders. Breathe in and let go slowly of any tension in your chest. Breathe out and let go of tension. Breathe in and say, I have let go of tension. Breathe out and say, I am love. Take a deep breath in and a slow breath out and open your eyes.
Intimacy! Wendy Maltz said it best: Sexual abuse involves a profound betrayal of human trust and affection which negatively influences future relationships. I would add: Men who have experienced childhood sexual abuse may have created strategies that made sense when they were developed – in youth – but now as adults, experience negative intimacy effects. You must look closely at what is working for you and what is not. This is where ‘I am love’ comes in. If you love yourself you will not accept abuse in your adult relationships. You will accept love and kindness and thoughtfulness because that is what you offer. Where is the battle? Where are the stumbling blocks? The battle is with negative intimacy. Negative intimacy includes denial of vulnerability; that is, playing Macho Man; Not allowing yourself to be honest about your emotions, your emotional responses. Rather than being honest about your feelings, you may be playing the silent man – strong, not vulnerable. For some men who were sexually abused in their youth, there is confusion regarding sexual orientation. That can add up to pulling back intimately. They ask, Did my sexual abuse happen because he saw something effeminate about me? Am I gay? Take a long walk. Ask yourself, Am I gay? Am I straight? If the answer is gay, reach out and get constructive information. If the answer is straight, stop defining yourself by the abuse. Let go of the negative messages. Don’t waste another day. Move in the direction that makes you happy and fulfilled. Childhood abuse can also add up to denial of emotional needs regarding sex. This is a big one. I have heard clients ask: Do I dare to show I need affection? Would that be showing weakness? No! It would be showing vulnerability, which is a giant step towards creating a bond between you and your partner. If you allow it, chaotic relationships may become your norm. Chaos keeps you from facing what happened – abuse – and not having to deal with it. There is so much distraction, there is no time for anything meaningful to happen between you and your partner. You might ask yourself, How do I change negative, destructive intimacy norms? You’re here, listening. It’s a start. I say, one awareness at a time. It will add up.
And then, there’s fear of intimacy. It is the most obvious and talked about response to childhood sexual assault. Partners see anger in you, indifference or coldness and misread your behavior as withdrawing emotionally from them. Low self-esteem could also be hovering over fear of intimacy. Do you resort to raising your voice, playing at anger to keep from talking to your partner about your issues and fears? Do you actively avoid physical contact? Can you see in your partner’s eyes the emotional damage that is happening when you pull away? Pay attention. Watch and listen for cues. Understand what you want to change, can change. Be kind to yourself. One step at a time. I read something recently that said, Every mistake is an opportunity to learn. Allow yourself to make mistakes. Be kind. But learn.
There is also fear of rejection. You may be asking yourself, when the person I’m dating finds out about my history of sexual abuse, will I be seen as tainted goods? Will I be rejected? If you fear rejection, you may not jump in because you don’t want to experience hurt again. Try. Take a small step. If your efforts float, try another step. Not trying is not a solution. Nothing tried, nothing gained – right?
Perhaps you identify with fear of abandonment? That is, once you’re in a committed intimate relationship, you fear that partner will leave you. In your youth, the death or separation from a parent or close adult could – even today – instill fear of abandonment. The solution remains the same: Teach yourself that every new person in your life deserves his or her own blank slate. Do not fill it in for them. Find comfort in journaling. Write what you’re thinking and feeling. And then, try to find the truth of the person you may want to add to your life.
There are solutions if you are feeling socially isolated or depressed. There are solutions if you are experiencing serial dating, or find yourself overly critical to the point of sabotaging your relationship. First, if I may suggest, see your physician to rule out any possibility of physical illness. Second, I repeat, talk to people who have been through psychotherapy. Find a therapist familiar with anxiety disorders, fear of intimacy or whatever issues are at the top of your list. Discover the issues that keep you from commitment and happiness.
For our closing meditation today, I ask you to imagine a golden light shimmering over your head. Close your eyes if that feels comfortable. Think of this golden light as you breathe in and out as a healing energy. Allow yourself to smile. The combination of the healing golden light and your inner and outer smile will heal all wounds. See this golden light as your own personal energy source that can be called upon at any time.Breathing in through your nose and slowly exhaling through your mouth, allow this golden light to massage your head. Feel the tension leave as you inhale. Exhale and think of the spider webs you are letting go of. Inhale love, exhale anger. Inhale and feel the golden light relieve the stress in your neck and shoulders. Exhale any negative message that holds you back.Breathe in and feel the cleansing throughout your body. Breathe out and let go of past hurts. Breathe in and think CLEAN SLATE. Breathe out and say to yourself: away old thinking. Feel your muscles relax. Feel the healing energy push through to the dark corners of your body.And finally, inhale and feel the love of those who understand and care about your well-being. Exhale and feel yourself letting go of all the people who represent negative energy. I am love. I am love. I am love.
Thank you for joining me. I look forward to seeing you in Session Six when we will continue our understanding of all-important relationships.May I suggest an old movie, White Palace, starring Susan Sarandon. Everything you need to know about relationships is clearly presented. I had to watch the movie several times before I could absorb all the relationship messages.
Hello everyone. Thank you for joining me for Meditation Five: Intimacy. Are you ready? We’ve been talking about the power of a smile to change the mood of an intimate moment. But, if we get intimacy right, a big smile follows. Be aware, some uncomfortable feelings may come up. Take care of yourself. STOP if you feel overwhelmed.
Here’s a short meditation before we begin. Let’s take a deep breath in and relax before we move on. Breathe out and relax the mind. Find a comfortable position. Gently, close your eyes if you like. Put your hand over your heart, breathe in and say, I am love. Breathe out with a deep, releasing sigh, and feel the anger leave your body. Breathe in and say: I want genuine intimacy. Breathe out and say, I let go of false gestures.Breathe in and say: I will work at accepting genuine affection. Breathe out and say, I will learn to let go of negativity.Breathe in and say, I want to share positivity. Breathe out and say, I will take a step towards letting go of negativity.Breathe in and say, I am love; breathe out and say, be kind or let me go.Scan your body from head to toe and take a deep breath in: breathe out slowly and let go of tension in your head, neck and shoulders. Breathe in and let go slowly of any tension in your chest. Breathe out and let go of tension. Breathe in and say, I have let go of tension. Breathe out and say, I am love. Take a deep breath in and a slow breath out and open your eyes.
Intimacy! Wendy Maltz said it best: Sexual abuse involves a profound betrayal of human trust and affection which negatively influences future relationships. I would add: Men who have experienced childhood sexual abuse may have created strategies that made sense when they were developed – in youth – but now as adults, experience negative intimacy effects. You must look closely at what is working for you and what is not. This is where ‘I am love’ comes in. If you love yourself you will not accept abuse in your adult relationships. You will accept love and kindness and thoughtfulness because that is what you offer. Where is the battle? Where are the stumbling blocks? The battle is with negative intimacy. Negative intimacy includes denial of vulnerability; that is, playing Macho Man; Not allowing yourself to be honest about your emotions, your emotional responses. Rather than being honest about your feelings, you may be playing the silent man – strong, not vulnerable. For some men who were sexually abused in their youth, there is confusion regarding sexual orientation. That can add up to pulling back intimately. They ask, Did my sexual abuse happen because he saw something effeminate about me? Am I gay? Take a long walk. Ask yourself, Am I gay? Am I straight? If the answer is gay, reach out and get constructive information. If the answer is straight, stop defining yourself by the abuse. Let go of the negative messages. Don’t waste another day. Move in the direction that makes you happy and fulfilled. Childhood abuse can also add up to denial of emotional needs regarding sex. This is a big one. I have heard clients ask: Do I dare to show I need affection? Would that be showing weakness? No! It would be showing vulnerability, which is a giant step towards creating a bond between you and your partner. If you allow it, chaotic relationships may become your norm. Chaos keeps you from facing what happened – abuse – and not having to deal with it. There is so much distraction, there is no time for anything meaningful to happen between you and your partner. You might ask yourself, How do I change negative, destructive intimacy norms? You’re here, listening. It’s a start. I say, one awareness at a time. It will add up.
And then, there’s fear of intimacy. It is the most obvious and talked about response to childhood sexual assault. Partners see anger in you, indifference or coldness and misread your behavior as withdrawing emotionally from them. Low self-esteem could also be hovering over fear of intimacy. Do you resort to raising your voice, playing at anger to keep from talking to your partner about your issues and fears? Do you actively avoid physical contact? Can you see in your partner’s eyes the emotional damage that is happening when you pull away? Pay attention. Watch and listen for cues. Understand what you want to change, can change. Be kind to yourself. One step at a time. I read something recently that said, Every mistake is an opportunity to learn. Allow yourself to make mistakes. Be kind. But learn.
There is also fear of rejection. You may be asking yourself, when the person I’m dating finds out about my history of sexual abuse, will I be seen as tainted goods? Will I be rejected? If you fear rejection, you may not jump in because you don’t want to experience hurt again. Try. Take a small step. If your efforts float, try another step. Not trying is not a solution. Nothing tried, nothing gained – right?
Perhaps you identify with fear of abandonment? That is, once you’re in a committed intimate relationship, you fear that partner will leave you. In your youth, the death or separation from a parent or close adult could – even today – instill fear of abandonment. The solution remains the same: Teach yourself that every new person in your life deserves his or her own blank slate. Do not fill it in for them. Find comfort in journaling. Write what you’re thinking and feeling. And then, try to find the truth of the person you may want to add to your life.
There are solutions if you are feeling socially isolated or depressed. There are solutions if you are experiencing serial dating, or find yourself overly critical to the point of sabotaging your relationship. First, if I may suggest, see your physician to rule out any possibility of physical illness. Second, I repeat, talk to people who have been through psychotherapy. Find a therapist familiar with anxiety disorders, fear of intimacy or whatever issues are at the top of your list. Discover the issues that keep you from commitment and happiness.
For our closing meditation today, I ask you to imagine a golden light shimmering over your head. Close your eyes if that feels comfortable. Think of this golden light as you breathe in and out as a healing energy. Allow yourself to smile. The combination of the healing golden light and your inner and outer smile will heal all wounds. See this golden light as your own personal energy source that can be called upon at any time.Breathing in through your nose and slowly exhaling through your mouth, allow this golden light to massage your head. Feel the tension leave as you inhale. Exhale and think of the spider webs you are letting go of. Inhale love, exhale anger. Inhale and feel the golden light relieve the stress in your neck and shoulders. Exhale any negative message that holds you back.Breathe in and feel the cleansing throughout your body. Breathe out and let go of past hurts. Breathe in and think CLEAN SLATE. Breathe out and say to yourself: away old thinking. Feel your muscles relax. Feel the healing energy push through to the dark corners of your body.And finally, inhale and feel the love of those who understand and care about your well-being. Exhale and feel yourself letting go of all the people who represent negative energy. I am love. I am love. I am love.
Thank you for joining me. I look forward to seeing you in Session Six when we will continue our understanding of all-important relationships.May I suggest an old movie, White Palace, starring Susan Sarandon. Everything you need to know about relationships is clearly presented. I had to watch the movie several times before I could absorb all the relationship messages.
Child Sexual Abuse - six
MEDITATIONS AND EXERCISES FOR MALE SURVIVORS OF CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE © 2021Healing Session Six/Relationships
Many men who have survived childhood sexual abuse find that being in an intimate relationship triggers uncomfortable feelings. Some of these men have been touched inappropriately; they must learn to touch and be touched with love. Some have been kissed against their will; they must learn the joys of genuine affection. Triggers. A history of childhood sexual assault creates triggers. We’re here to start the process of unlearning those triggers. We’re here to be free of the past and learn to be in the moment. We want to appreciate genuine touching, cuddling and kissing. Be aware, some uncomfortable feelings may come up. However, before we look at lingering childhood anxieties, let’s try a meditation to center ourselves.
Find a comfortable position for meditating. Close your eyes. Sit with ease. Take a deep breath in and exhale; feel your body relaxing. Inhale deeply and exhale slowly, deliberately and think: Letting go. I’m letting go. Feel the tension in your shoulders dissipate. Invite a smile to your face. Yes, smile. Feel your lips curve upwards. Allow the smile to impact how your head feels. As you breathe, breathe a smile into your eyes, into your forehead, into the back of your head. Even feel your ears getting warm as the glow of positivity envelops your head and neck and shoulders. Allow the warmth of your smile to spread through your torso. Your chest and stomach and back are relaxing. Your arms and legs and hands and feet are benefitting from the love in your smile. Your smile is authentic and your organs are saying: Thank you. Always find a reason to smile; your body will pay you back. It will be there for you. Breathe naturally and open your eyes.
Relationships! Relationships can feed your soul when you have a partner who thinks and feels and loves in healthy and meaningful ways. Too often, it isn’t the adult in us figuring out who would best enhance our life; it is the inner child crying to have some moment healed, some character from our distant past who remains an open wound. A too too typical example is a man growing up in an alcoholic household who falls in love and commits to one alcoholic partner after another. Even awareness of one’s choices cannot always stop the pattern of hurt and destruction. A major problem with a man who was sexually assaulted as a child and adult commitment is DESERVE. He asks himself: What do I deserve? The assault or abuse sends a strong message that he is not okay. Well, if I’m not okay, what kind of relationship do I deserve? Abusive comes to mind. Find an abusive relationship and you’ll find one or both partners were either sexually abused as children or come from a household of adults who were addicted and where children were not cared for. Or both. How do you begin to climb out of this destructive pattern if you are in one? One positive thought at a time. Make a list in your journal of the positives about yourself. I am thoughtful. I am kind. I help people. I shop for my elderly neighbor. Keep adding to your list as you think of or experience yourself being special. Look at the list before you start your day. Even better, put the list on a postit, place it on your bathroom mirror and look at it as you shave. Believe. Write honestly and believe. If you fill yourself with positives, when the world presents a negative – or a negative person – it just won’t fit into your positive vision of yourself. Freedom is what you experience. Listen to your gut reactions. I mean develop your relationship with your gut before you develop a relationship with someone special. If your gut says, don’t go there, well, don’t invest. And listen. Listening could stop a whole lot of trouble. Usually, on a first date, you will hear and know everything you need to know about what life would be like with this person. Problem? We’re so busy selling ourselves that we don’t hear this guy just said he’s an ax murderer. Or, the woman just told me she’s never been in a relationship for more than six months. Are you listening? Another question. If so, are you processing what you’re hearing?
Let me take a minute to talk about my two favorite words in the English language: Take Responsibility. Here’s the secret to successful relationships: Take Responsibility. If you look back on your relationships and take responsibility, you will learn more than studying ten books on life and love. I ask you: How many hours, years have you spent figuring out why your ex partner was never worth the trouble? How many hours have you ruminated over what your ex should have done? Could have done? All that energy. Now, stop. Pull out your journal, grab a pen, and start writing. Write down what you could have done better. Write down your role in the demise of each relationship. Get to know who you are in a relationship. Here’s a challenge! Write down the good stuff about each partner in your past. Step back. Look at what you’ve written. Where are the patterns? What part do you play in these relationships? How often are you loving and attentive? How many times were you thoughtful? Were you kind to the in-laws? Were you financially responsible? Did you speak and respond with kindness? Did you listen? That’s a big one: Did you listen? If the answer is no, it would be best to practice listening with friends and family before your next commitment. Commitment is another big, potential problem. Does your history of childhood sexual abuse keep you from commitment? Do you trust the person sitting across from you will follow through when they say they will commit to you? How well do you do sabotage? If you don’t feel you DESERVE a committed relationship, what part do you play in sabotaging the joy? Look again at your journal entries. If indeed you have taken responsibility, the answers you need to be in a loving, committed relationship will be there, right in front of you. Here’s a challenge. Ask your friends and family, people you trust how they see you in a relationship. Add their words to your journal. Get smart, read and reread the entries. Eventually, you’ll find the destructive patterns. Be aware of each pattern. When you sit across from someone of interest, watch for the patterns. Before you look at the menu, ask yourself: Am I carrying my past and my judgments on my back? Am I listening? Be kind to yourself. Let go of the negativity. Be open. Stop bringing the past into the present. Monitor yourself. Learn from watching what you say and how you react. Yes, be your own teacher. You are your best teacher.
Perhaps it’s time to let all the words sink in and stop for a short meditation. Please take a deep breath in and exhale slowly. Close your eyes. Breathe in again and as you exhale, say to yourself: Relax.Feel your shoulders drop as you breathe in and out.Breathe in and say, I’m okay. Breathe out and say, I’m letting go of negativity.Breathe in and say, I will overcome. Breathe out and say, I’m letting go of negativity.Breathe in and say, I am love. Breathe out and say, My history won’t stop me.Breathe in and say, I deserve. Breathe out and say, Letting go of negativity.Breathe in and say, I am comfortable with positivity. Breathe out and say, Out with negativity.Breathe in and say, Yes, I deserve. Breathe out and say, Letting go of dark thoughts.Open your eyes, put your left hand on your right shoulder and your right hand on your left shoulder, and give yourself a big hug. Think: I am love. I am worthy of love. I will accept love. Well done. See you in tomorrow’s exercise. Thank you for your commitment to this relationship journey.
Many men who have survived childhood sexual abuse find that being in an intimate relationship triggers uncomfortable feelings. Some of these men have been touched inappropriately; they must learn to touch and be touched with love. Some have been kissed against their will; they must learn the joys of genuine affection. Triggers. A history of childhood sexual assault creates triggers. We’re here to start the process of unlearning those triggers. We’re here to be free of the past and learn to be in the moment. We want to appreciate genuine touching, cuddling and kissing. Be aware, some uncomfortable feelings may come up. However, before we look at lingering childhood anxieties, let’s try a meditation to center ourselves.
Find a comfortable position for meditating. Close your eyes. Sit with ease. Take a deep breath in and exhale; feel your body relaxing. Inhale deeply and exhale slowly, deliberately and think: Letting go. I’m letting go. Feel the tension in your shoulders dissipate. Invite a smile to your face. Yes, smile. Feel your lips curve upwards. Allow the smile to impact how your head feels. As you breathe, breathe a smile into your eyes, into your forehead, into the back of your head. Even feel your ears getting warm as the glow of positivity envelops your head and neck and shoulders. Allow the warmth of your smile to spread through your torso. Your chest and stomach and back are relaxing. Your arms and legs and hands and feet are benefitting from the love in your smile. Your smile is authentic and your organs are saying: Thank you. Always find a reason to smile; your body will pay you back. It will be there for you. Breathe naturally and open your eyes.
Relationships! Relationships can feed your soul when you have a partner who thinks and feels and loves in healthy and meaningful ways. Too often, it isn’t the adult in us figuring out who would best enhance our life; it is the inner child crying to have some moment healed, some character from our distant past who remains an open wound. A too too typical example is a man growing up in an alcoholic household who falls in love and commits to one alcoholic partner after another. Even awareness of one’s choices cannot always stop the pattern of hurt and destruction. A major problem with a man who was sexually assaulted as a child and adult commitment is DESERVE. He asks himself: What do I deserve? The assault or abuse sends a strong message that he is not okay. Well, if I’m not okay, what kind of relationship do I deserve? Abusive comes to mind. Find an abusive relationship and you’ll find one or both partners were either sexually abused as children or come from a household of adults who were addicted and where children were not cared for. Or both. How do you begin to climb out of this destructive pattern if you are in one? One positive thought at a time. Make a list in your journal of the positives about yourself. I am thoughtful. I am kind. I help people. I shop for my elderly neighbor. Keep adding to your list as you think of or experience yourself being special. Look at the list before you start your day. Even better, put the list on a postit, place it on your bathroom mirror and look at it as you shave. Believe. Write honestly and believe. If you fill yourself with positives, when the world presents a negative – or a negative person – it just won’t fit into your positive vision of yourself. Freedom is what you experience. Listen to your gut reactions. I mean develop your relationship with your gut before you develop a relationship with someone special. If your gut says, don’t go there, well, don’t invest. And listen. Listening could stop a whole lot of trouble. Usually, on a first date, you will hear and know everything you need to know about what life would be like with this person. Problem? We’re so busy selling ourselves that we don’t hear this guy just said he’s an ax murderer. Or, the woman just told me she’s never been in a relationship for more than six months. Are you listening? Another question. If so, are you processing what you’re hearing?
Let me take a minute to talk about my two favorite words in the English language: Take Responsibility. Here’s the secret to successful relationships: Take Responsibility. If you look back on your relationships and take responsibility, you will learn more than studying ten books on life and love. I ask you: How many hours, years have you spent figuring out why your ex partner was never worth the trouble? How many hours have you ruminated over what your ex should have done? Could have done? All that energy. Now, stop. Pull out your journal, grab a pen, and start writing. Write down what you could have done better. Write down your role in the demise of each relationship. Get to know who you are in a relationship. Here’s a challenge! Write down the good stuff about each partner in your past. Step back. Look at what you’ve written. Where are the patterns? What part do you play in these relationships? How often are you loving and attentive? How many times were you thoughtful? Were you kind to the in-laws? Were you financially responsible? Did you speak and respond with kindness? Did you listen? That’s a big one: Did you listen? If the answer is no, it would be best to practice listening with friends and family before your next commitment. Commitment is another big, potential problem. Does your history of childhood sexual abuse keep you from commitment? Do you trust the person sitting across from you will follow through when they say they will commit to you? How well do you do sabotage? If you don’t feel you DESERVE a committed relationship, what part do you play in sabotaging the joy? Look again at your journal entries. If indeed you have taken responsibility, the answers you need to be in a loving, committed relationship will be there, right in front of you. Here’s a challenge. Ask your friends and family, people you trust how they see you in a relationship. Add their words to your journal. Get smart, read and reread the entries. Eventually, you’ll find the destructive patterns. Be aware of each pattern. When you sit across from someone of interest, watch for the patterns. Before you look at the menu, ask yourself: Am I carrying my past and my judgments on my back? Am I listening? Be kind to yourself. Let go of the negativity. Be open. Stop bringing the past into the present. Monitor yourself. Learn from watching what you say and how you react. Yes, be your own teacher. You are your best teacher.
Perhaps it’s time to let all the words sink in and stop for a short meditation. Please take a deep breath in and exhale slowly. Close your eyes. Breathe in again and as you exhale, say to yourself: Relax.Feel your shoulders drop as you breathe in and out.Breathe in and say, I’m okay. Breathe out and say, I’m letting go of negativity.Breathe in and say, I will overcome. Breathe out and say, I’m letting go of negativity.Breathe in and say, I am love. Breathe out and say, My history won’t stop me.Breathe in and say, I deserve. Breathe out and say, Letting go of negativity.Breathe in and say, I am comfortable with positivity. Breathe out and say, Out with negativity.Breathe in and say, Yes, I deserve. Breathe out and say, Letting go of dark thoughts.Open your eyes, put your left hand on your right shoulder and your right hand on your left shoulder, and give yourself a big hug. Think: I am love. I am worthy of love. I will accept love. Well done. See you in tomorrow’s exercise. Thank you for your commitment to this relationship journey.
Child Sexual Abuse - seven
MEDITATIONS AND EXERCISES FOR MALE SURVIVORS OF CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE © 2021Healing Session Seven/Relationships, Part II
The reason I chose to do a Part II of Relationships is because healthy relationships matter more than we think. Trust, that’s a big one, safety, another big one, and a secure attachment in a relationship enables healing from the past. And for some, healing can be a life-long process. And that’s okay. Just keep moving forward. Be aware, some uncomfortable feelings may come up. All these relationship qualities: trust, safety, and secure attachment will allow you to enjoy good times and good sex with your partner! When you are in a loving, respectful and committed relationship, and your partner is aware of your history of trauma, you have both learned how to communicate in order to feel safe. That’s good. That’s real good.
Before we dig deeper, let’s try a meditation. Find a comfortable position. Breathe in compassion for yourself. Let go of control. Close your eyes. Take a deep breath in and feel your body relax. Exhale all negativity. Breathe naturally and feel the past and future disappear for these few moments. Find the joy of commitment as you breathe in; let go of negativity as you breathe out. What is joy, you ask, as you breathe in; negativity we know and can breathe it out. Breathe in, I am alive and making a difference; breathe out, I let go of all negative messages. Breathe in, I decide on my inner messages; breathe out, I let go of all negative messages. Breathe in, I refuse to use childhood messages to define my present moment; breathe out, I am more than my abuse. I am love. Let’s repeat before we open our eyes: I am love; I am love; I am love. Well done all. Thank you.
Trust. Let’s start with trust. As I said, it’s a big one. Do you trust yourself? What could that mean? Do you trust you can pick the right people to add to your life? Do the people you invest in disappoint? Or not? Do you trust you can contain your anger? Can you respond instead of react? Can you let go when someone is inappropriate? Do you hold grudges? If this list of questions makes you think: Do I trust? Then you must also ask yourself, How does this lack of trust impact my intimate relationship? Also, When do I trust? How do I add more trust to my life? The answer? One challenge, one person at a time. Do you trust your partner has the time and inclination to process the abuse you suffered? Are you giving your partner a fair chance or are you being judgmental? If there is a foundation of caring, love, understanding, patience, and mutual respect, then be assured the relationship can withstand what you have to share. When you find the right moment, and the words finally come out, you may regret having said anything, but in truth, this openness will cement your relationship.
Impulses. Check your impulses. Check the messages in your head when your partner reaches out to you. Take responsibility; the two biggest words in the English language. Take responsibility for your actions and reactions; for accepting a friendly smile or pulling back in defense. Journal your feelings. Follow your journal. Can you note progress? Bottom line: Do not use your fear or trust issues as an excuse not to take a first step. If necessary, practice on an old friend or family member you know will understand. Listen to your feelings. What are your feelings telling you? Communicate these feelings. Start a dialogue. Or, as I keep saying, talk to your journal. Make your journal entries your best friend. Combat the inner messages that are negative. Replace them with positive reinforcement. Make a list of positives in your journal. Start your day and end your day reading your list of affirmations.
Take a deep and full breath in before we move on to safety… That is, emotional safety in a relationship. Emotional safety is about establishing trust with another person and feeling safe enough to be open and vulnerable with them. Emotional safety allows you to be your most authentic self. When both people in a relationship feel authentic and secure, it provides a safe environment in which a deeper and more loving connection can take shape. Why are we searching for trust and emotional safety? Why? Because you will feel more valued and valuable. Because you will truly be yourself without the risk of being judged. Because you will no longer have to be perfect; you will be able to be vulnerable. Because you will learn to express yourself freely; liberation, I call it. Liberation of the soul. Because you will finally be heard without judgment. What are the ways you can create emotional safety in your relationship? One: Respect boundaries. Setting and respecting boundaries will not only protect you but also your relationship. Two: Pay attention to nonverbal communication. We are responsible for our words but also for the way we send them. What is your face and body language saying? Three: Be an active listener. Truly take in what your partner is telling you. Lean forward. Nod when appropriate. Four: Practice transparency. No hiding. Set an example. Tell the whole truth and nothing but the whole truth. Five: Give your partner the benefit of the doubt. He or she will have to do the same for you. Do not feed situations that would tear the relationship apart. Six: Invest in counseling. Couples therapy fosters emotional safety.
Our last important topic for today is secure attachment. Essentially, your attachment style determines how you relate to your partner, which affects your reactions and emotional investment. The root of attachment style comes from childhood. If you were sexually abused by a family member as a child, you might be dealing with avoidant attachment. Back to trust. If you look back on your history of relationships, or look at your present relationship, if you are pushing your partner away, there’s a good chance you don’t want to repeat your childhood experiences/feelings of fear and disappointment. Talk. Talk to your partner about what’s coming up for you. Journal. Read. There are lots of articles on the subject. Check Relationship Attachments on Google. What you’re after is a secure attachment. Secure attachment means you have put your history of abuse in perspective, and have moved on. Moving on is a lifelong project. The work never stops. But, there is a point on the continuum where you feel free and safe to let someone special in. You can love and be loved. Keep reading. Keep communicating. Never stop journaling.
Find a comfortable position as we settle in to do a brief meditation. Gently close your eyes. Be present. As much as possible, try to shut out the noise in your head. Breathe in deeply and fully. Feel yourself moving into a quiet place. Breathe out your troubles. Be aware of your senses as you breathe in. Feel your body relaxing. Breathe out all negativity. Breathe in as we decide not to be defined by our past. Breathe out all thoughts that prevent freedom from the past. Do not define yourself with your past. Breathe in positivity. Hold on to who you really are. Breathe out negativity. Breathe in as you hug your inner child. Breathe out a cry from your inner child. See your inner child. Tell your inner child that you can trust; that you can love and be loved; that you are free. Breathe in freedom. Breathe out all the voices that say you are not okay. Smile. Breathe in as you place a smile on your inner child. Breathe out negativity. Hear yourself say, I am love. I am lovable. I am worthy of a healthy and happy relationship. I can let go of negativity. I can add up all the positivity in my life. I am love. Thank you for joining me today. I look forward to seeing you tomorrow when we will discuss Stratergies.
The reason I chose to do a Part II of Relationships is because healthy relationships matter more than we think. Trust, that’s a big one, safety, another big one, and a secure attachment in a relationship enables healing from the past. And for some, healing can be a life-long process. And that’s okay. Just keep moving forward. Be aware, some uncomfortable feelings may come up. All these relationship qualities: trust, safety, and secure attachment will allow you to enjoy good times and good sex with your partner! When you are in a loving, respectful and committed relationship, and your partner is aware of your history of trauma, you have both learned how to communicate in order to feel safe. That’s good. That’s real good.
Before we dig deeper, let’s try a meditation. Find a comfortable position. Breathe in compassion for yourself. Let go of control. Close your eyes. Take a deep breath in and feel your body relax. Exhale all negativity. Breathe naturally and feel the past and future disappear for these few moments. Find the joy of commitment as you breathe in; let go of negativity as you breathe out. What is joy, you ask, as you breathe in; negativity we know and can breathe it out. Breathe in, I am alive and making a difference; breathe out, I let go of all negative messages. Breathe in, I decide on my inner messages; breathe out, I let go of all negative messages. Breathe in, I refuse to use childhood messages to define my present moment; breathe out, I am more than my abuse. I am love. Let’s repeat before we open our eyes: I am love; I am love; I am love. Well done all. Thank you.
Trust. Let’s start with trust. As I said, it’s a big one. Do you trust yourself? What could that mean? Do you trust you can pick the right people to add to your life? Do the people you invest in disappoint? Or not? Do you trust you can contain your anger? Can you respond instead of react? Can you let go when someone is inappropriate? Do you hold grudges? If this list of questions makes you think: Do I trust? Then you must also ask yourself, How does this lack of trust impact my intimate relationship? Also, When do I trust? How do I add more trust to my life? The answer? One challenge, one person at a time. Do you trust your partner has the time and inclination to process the abuse you suffered? Are you giving your partner a fair chance or are you being judgmental? If there is a foundation of caring, love, understanding, patience, and mutual respect, then be assured the relationship can withstand what you have to share. When you find the right moment, and the words finally come out, you may regret having said anything, but in truth, this openness will cement your relationship.
Impulses. Check your impulses. Check the messages in your head when your partner reaches out to you. Take responsibility; the two biggest words in the English language. Take responsibility for your actions and reactions; for accepting a friendly smile or pulling back in defense. Journal your feelings. Follow your journal. Can you note progress? Bottom line: Do not use your fear or trust issues as an excuse not to take a first step. If necessary, practice on an old friend or family member you know will understand. Listen to your feelings. What are your feelings telling you? Communicate these feelings. Start a dialogue. Or, as I keep saying, talk to your journal. Make your journal entries your best friend. Combat the inner messages that are negative. Replace them with positive reinforcement. Make a list of positives in your journal. Start your day and end your day reading your list of affirmations.
Take a deep and full breath in before we move on to safety… That is, emotional safety in a relationship. Emotional safety is about establishing trust with another person and feeling safe enough to be open and vulnerable with them. Emotional safety allows you to be your most authentic self. When both people in a relationship feel authentic and secure, it provides a safe environment in which a deeper and more loving connection can take shape. Why are we searching for trust and emotional safety? Why? Because you will feel more valued and valuable. Because you will truly be yourself without the risk of being judged. Because you will no longer have to be perfect; you will be able to be vulnerable. Because you will learn to express yourself freely; liberation, I call it. Liberation of the soul. Because you will finally be heard without judgment. What are the ways you can create emotional safety in your relationship? One: Respect boundaries. Setting and respecting boundaries will not only protect you but also your relationship. Two: Pay attention to nonverbal communication. We are responsible for our words but also for the way we send them. What is your face and body language saying? Three: Be an active listener. Truly take in what your partner is telling you. Lean forward. Nod when appropriate. Four: Practice transparency. No hiding. Set an example. Tell the whole truth and nothing but the whole truth. Five: Give your partner the benefit of the doubt. He or she will have to do the same for you. Do not feed situations that would tear the relationship apart. Six: Invest in counseling. Couples therapy fosters emotional safety.
Our last important topic for today is secure attachment. Essentially, your attachment style determines how you relate to your partner, which affects your reactions and emotional investment. The root of attachment style comes from childhood. If you were sexually abused by a family member as a child, you might be dealing with avoidant attachment. Back to trust. If you look back on your history of relationships, or look at your present relationship, if you are pushing your partner away, there’s a good chance you don’t want to repeat your childhood experiences/feelings of fear and disappointment. Talk. Talk to your partner about what’s coming up for you. Journal. Read. There are lots of articles on the subject. Check Relationship Attachments on Google. What you’re after is a secure attachment. Secure attachment means you have put your history of abuse in perspective, and have moved on. Moving on is a lifelong project. The work never stops. But, there is a point on the continuum where you feel free and safe to let someone special in. You can love and be loved. Keep reading. Keep communicating. Never stop journaling.
Find a comfortable position as we settle in to do a brief meditation. Gently close your eyes. Be present. As much as possible, try to shut out the noise in your head. Breathe in deeply and fully. Feel yourself moving into a quiet place. Breathe out your troubles. Be aware of your senses as you breathe in. Feel your body relaxing. Breathe out all negativity. Breathe in as we decide not to be defined by our past. Breathe out all thoughts that prevent freedom from the past. Do not define yourself with your past. Breathe in positivity. Hold on to who you really are. Breathe out negativity. Breathe in as you hug your inner child. Breathe out a cry from your inner child. See your inner child. Tell your inner child that you can trust; that you can love and be loved; that you are free. Breathe in freedom. Breathe out all the voices that say you are not okay. Smile. Breathe in as you place a smile on your inner child. Breathe out negativity. Hear yourself say, I am love. I am lovable. I am worthy of a healthy and happy relationship. I can let go of negativity. I can add up all the positivity in my life. I am love. Thank you for joining me today. I look forward to seeing you tomorrow when we will discuss Stratergies.
Child Sexual Abuse - eight
MEDITATIONS AND EXERCISES FOR MALE SURVIVORS OF CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE © 2021Healing Session Eight/Strategies
Welcome back. I am grateful you continue to take the time and energy to show up. I’m respectful of how difficult it is to consider change. Today, we’re going to talk about the strategies some men who have experienced child sexual abuse adopt to help them cope. Out of necessity, a full range of creative and effective strategies are developed to help survive and move on. These strategies can and do have negative effects. Before we try to understand Thinking Strategy, Numbing Strategy, Relationship Strategy, and Emotional Strategy, let’s do a short meditation. Be aware, some uncomfortable feelings may come up.
Take a full breath in and out. Close your eyes gently. Feel your body relax. Be sure you are in a comfortable position. Take a deep breath in and think, I am in the moment. Breathe out and think, I am letting go all thoughts of the past and future. I am in the moment. Breathe in and think, I see the strategies I have developed over the years. Breathe out and think, I let go of all negativity. Breathe in and say to yourself, I want to be liberated. I want freedom. Breathe out and say, I let go of all thoughts that keep me from freedom. Breathe in and think, Yes, I can. Yes, I can. Yes, I can. Breathe out and let go of all negative messages. Take a deep breath in and starting from the top of your head and pushing through your body and out your toes, feel the positive energy flow. Open your eyes and be present. Well done.
Strategies! Let’s be clear, all strategies make sense when they are first developed in childhood. Some still work in adulthood. But some strategies become a problem when they add up to dysfunction or pain, or they get in the way of your positive agenda.
Let’s start with Thinking Strategies. A boy who has been abused often looks for the fault in himself; rather than accept the person he loves is an abuser. This sets up a pattern of negative self-talk. When he’s up at bat and strikes out, it adds to this reservoir of self-anger. When he starts dating and the love of his life says, Thanks but no thanks, he could become depressed because there is such a deep trench, well established, that says, I’m not okay. Today is the day to start positive thinking. Again, I ask you to befriend your journal. Write down all the good things you’ve accomplished. Write down the impact you have had on friends and family. Like James Stewart in the 1947 movie, It’s a Wonderful Life, have you been a good friend today? Under Thinking Strategies, and all strategies, lies Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Children who have been abused suffer from PTSD; the problem, many parents don’t refer their child for counseling, and therefore the PTSD takes on a life of its own. Men who carry PTSD in their mind and soul can become stuck in an endless cycle of circular worrying and obsessing. Mindfulness, meditating, and learning to be in the moment can be the pathway out of this debilitating thought process. Through mindfulness you can let go of, “Why didn’t I do X or Y?” “Why did this abuse happen to me?” “Am I deserving of life’s joys?” “Can I make a mark?” Perhaps this is a good place to think once again about forgiveness. If you forgive, without releasing the abuser from what has happened, can you heal? I believe the answer is yes. Maura Hutchison, on Insight Timer, has a transformative course on forgiveness. I’ve listened to her words ten times; the investment in time and emotional energy changed my life. That’s Maura Hutchison.
Men dealing with a history of childhood sexual abuse often turn to Numbing Strategies. The purpose of a numbing strategy is to numb the feelings around long-term depression, sadness, anxiety, intense fear of being in touch with one’s feelings, memories of the abuse and anger. Some of the most common numbing strategies are painkillers, alcohol, sex, yes - sexual addiction, - gambling, shopping, self-harm, comfort eating and all kinds of risky behaviors. Some men turn to aggressive strategies; that is, workaholism, physical training or long and arduous meditation practices. These aggressive tactics are experienced as antidotes to feelings of shame and internalizing being a “victim.”The way out of numbing strategies is to take responsibility for what you are doing and why. Again, there are three solutions that require commitment and energy: journaling, counseling or joining a survivor’s group. I’ve worked with men who did not realize the power of their own personal numbing strategies until they joined a group. When they heard other men talk about how they cope, the inner response is, OMG, that’s me!
Let’s end with Relationship Strategies. It seems, if you are in a good, healthy, loving, respectful relationship that is the best foundation to move past many stumbling blocks abuse has put on your spiritual path. What stands in the way of building and reinforcing a strong, personal, intimate relationship for men who were sexually abused as a child? Too many men find that relationships trigger uncomfortable feelings. Here are some of the ways men may attempt to manage their feelings within a relationship. If any fit you, let’s try to find solutions. 1. Clinging to relationships: Some men are so emotionally needy that they remain in relationships that have become abusive. Alternatively, these same men could become controlling for fear of the relationship ending.2. Some men are susceptible to relationships that are always on the brink of collapse. They worry about losing their partner. They generate feelings of despair or anger. Monitoring your partner’s social media is the beginning of the end.3. Avoidance. Avoidance is often dependent on a belief that investing in someone, like having invested in your childhood abuser, will end predictably. You’ll be taken advantage of. It’s like writing the end of a novel before you’re sure of the story. Bottom line: Some men juggle all of the above. The idea is to meet someone, feel the rush of belonging, great sex, and then quick disillusionment. However, the need for affection is temporarily met. How to stop this cycle of self-imposed emotional violence?Take responsibility. Admit the part you play in this drama. Yes, you could spend hours telling friends and family how wronged you were. But, if you take responsibility, the process of healing begins. Actually, the larger picture of healing begins because you’ve stopped blaming. You’re making room for emotional growth. You’re making room to move on. As I have said before, someone has stolen your childhood – don’t let them steal the best years of your life.
Let’s conclude today’s Session with a meditation. Take a deep breath in. Tell your body to relax. Take another deep breath in and ASK your body to relax. If it feels comfortable, close your eyes. Be still. Straight back. Feel the chair or floor beneath you. Feel secure. Watch the body breathing in and out. Melt into the rhythm. Feel the tension leaving your body. Breathe in and think, I am love. Breathe out and feel the negative messages push out of your body.Breathe in and think, I can love and be loved. Breathe out and think, I let go of anger.Breathe in and think, I can trust and be trusted. Breathe out and think, I will not be defined by my past.Breathe in and think, I am my own man. I define who I am. Breathe out and think, I let go of labels.Breathe in and think, I deserve. Breathe out and think, I let go of negative messages.Breathe naturally. Feel your chest and stomach going in and out. Let the natural rhythm of your body add to your peace of mind. Open your eyes slowly. And now journal. Thank you for joining me today. I look forward to being with you tomorrow when we discuss: How to get the help you may need.
Welcome back. I am grateful you continue to take the time and energy to show up. I’m respectful of how difficult it is to consider change. Today, we’re going to talk about the strategies some men who have experienced child sexual abuse adopt to help them cope. Out of necessity, a full range of creative and effective strategies are developed to help survive and move on. These strategies can and do have negative effects. Before we try to understand Thinking Strategy, Numbing Strategy, Relationship Strategy, and Emotional Strategy, let’s do a short meditation. Be aware, some uncomfortable feelings may come up.
Take a full breath in and out. Close your eyes gently. Feel your body relax. Be sure you are in a comfortable position. Take a deep breath in and think, I am in the moment. Breathe out and think, I am letting go all thoughts of the past and future. I am in the moment. Breathe in and think, I see the strategies I have developed over the years. Breathe out and think, I let go of all negativity. Breathe in and say to yourself, I want to be liberated. I want freedom. Breathe out and say, I let go of all thoughts that keep me from freedom. Breathe in and think, Yes, I can. Yes, I can. Yes, I can. Breathe out and let go of all negative messages. Take a deep breath in and starting from the top of your head and pushing through your body and out your toes, feel the positive energy flow. Open your eyes and be present. Well done.
Strategies! Let’s be clear, all strategies make sense when they are first developed in childhood. Some still work in adulthood. But some strategies become a problem when they add up to dysfunction or pain, or they get in the way of your positive agenda.
Let’s start with Thinking Strategies. A boy who has been abused often looks for the fault in himself; rather than accept the person he loves is an abuser. This sets up a pattern of negative self-talk. When he’s up at bat and strikes out, it adds to this reservoir of self-anger. When he starts dating and the love of his life says, Thanks but no thanks, he could become depressed because there is such a deep trench, well established, that says, I’m not okay. Today is the day to start positive thinking. Again, I ask you to befriend your journal. Write down all the good things you’ve accomplished. Write down the impact you have had on friends and family. Like James Stewart in the 1947 movie, It’s a Wonderful Life, have you been a good friend today? Under Thinking Strategies, and all strategies, lies Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. Children who have been abused suffer from PTSD; the problem, many parents don’t refer their child for counseling, and therefore the PTSD takes on a life of its own. Men who carry PTSD in their mind and soul can become stuck in an endless cycle of circular worrying and obsessing. Mindfulness, meditating, and learning to be in the moment can be the pathway out of this debilitating thought process. Through mindfulness you can let go of, “Why didn’t I do X or Y?” “Why did this abuse happen to me?” “Am I deserving of life’s joys?” “Can I make a mark?” Perhaps this is a good place to think once again about forgiveness. If you forgive, without releasing the abuser from what has happened, can you heal? I believe the answer is yes. Maura Hutchison, on Insight Timer, has a transformative course on forgiveness. I’ve listened to her words ten times; the investment in time and emotional energy changed my life. That’s Maura Hutchison.
Men dealing with a history of childhood sexual abuse often turn to Numbing Strategies. The purpose of a numbing strategy is to numb the feelings around long-term depression, sadness, anxiety, intense fear of being in touch with one’s feelings, memories of the abuse and anger. Some of the most common numbing strategies are painkillers, alcohol, sex, yes - sexual addiction, - gambling, shopping, self-harm, comfort eating and all kinds of risky behaviors. Some men turn to aggressive strategies; that is, workaholism, physical training or long and arduous meditation practices. These aggressive tactics are experienced as antidotes to feelings of shame and internalizing being a “victim.”The way out of numbing strategies is to take responsibility for what you are doing and why. Again, there are three solutions that require commitment and energy: journaling, counseling or joining a survivor’s group. I’ve worked with men who did not realize the power of their own personal numbing strategies until they joined a group. When they heard other men talk about how they cope, the inner response is, OMG, that’s me!
Let’s end with Relationship Strategies. It seems, if you are in a good, healthy, loving, respectful relationship that is the best foundation to move past many stumbling blocks abuse has put on your spiritual path. What stands in the way of building and reinforcing a strong, personal, intimate relationship for men who were sexually abused as a child? Too many men find that relationships trigger uncomfortable feelings. Here are some of the ways men may attempt to manage their feelings within a relationship. If any fit you, let’s try to find solutions. 1. Clinging to relationships: Some men are so emotionally needy that they remain in relationships that have become abusive. Alternatively, these same men could become controlling for fear of the relationship ending.2. Some men are susceptible to relationships that are always on the brink of collapse. They worry about losing their partner. They generate feelings of despair or anger. Monitoring your partner’s social media is the beginning of the end.3. Avoidance. Avoidance is often dependent on a belief that investing in someone, like having invested in your childhood abuser, will end predictably. You’ll be taken advantage of. It’s like writing the end of a novel before you’re sure of the story. Bottom line: Some men juggle all of the above. The idea is to meet someone, feel the rush of belonging, great sex, and then quick disillusionment. However, the need for affection is temporarily met. How to stop this cycle of self-imposed emotional violence?Take responsibility. Admit the part you play in this drama. Yes, you could spend hours telling friends and family how wronged you were. But, if you take responsibility, the process of healing begins. Actually, the larger picture of healing begins because you’ve stopped blaming. You’re making room for emotional growth. You’re making room to move on. As I have said before, someone has stolen your childhood – don’t let them steal the best years of your life.
Let’s conclude today’s Session with a meditation. Take a deep breath in. Tell your body to relax. Take another deep breath in and ASK your body to relax. If it feels comfortable, close your eyes. Be still. Straight back. Feel the chair or floor beneath you. Feel secure. Watch the body breathing in and out. Melt into the rhythm. Feel the tension leaving your body. Breathe in and think, I am love. Breathe out and feel the negative messages push out of your body.Breathe in and think, I can love and be loved. Breathe out and think, I let go of anger.Breathe in and think, I can trust and be trusted. Breathe out and think, I will not be defined by my past.Breathe in and think, I am my own man. I define who I am. Breathe out and think, I let go of labels.Breathe in and think, I deserve. Breathe out and think, I let go of negative messages.Breathe naturally. Feel your chest and stomach going in and out. Let the natural rhythm of your body add to your peace of mind. Open your eyes slowly. And now journal. Thank you for joining me today. I look forward to being with you tomorrow when we discuss: How to get the help you may need.
Child Sexual Abuse - nine
MEDITATIONS AND EXERCISES FOR MALE SURVIVORS OFCHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE © 2021Healing Session Nine/How to Get the Help You Need
If you were sexually abused as a boy and you’ve gotten to Session Nine in this course, then you already know what it means to be strong and recreate your own outcomes. You’re taking responsibility for how your life will look and feel. Healing is your karma, your road to teaching your brain to respond differently to the world, to your history. You’ve passed the beginning point; you’re creating your new road map. You can see birds and trees and people picnicking and enjoying each other’s company. And there you are, in the middle of it all. A life defined by joy and love mixed with trust and awareness. Quoting Dr. Richard B. Gartner in his book, Beyond Betrayal, “There’s no road map except the one you create. There’s no specific destination you must arrive at in order to feel healed. With any word you read in any self-help book, with every thought you have about your healing, with every reflection, decision and feeling you have about it, you’re changing.” End quote. Yes, you’re changing. You’re moving onward and upward.It’s about gaining mastery of your mind, thoughts and memories. It’s about mastering your reactions and interactions. It’s about experiencing the world anew – through a positive lens.
Before we discover more about healing, let’s do a short meditation. Take several intentional deep breaths. Feel your body relaxing. Close your eyes and try to see your Inner Child. The Inner Child that holds all the hurts and memories. See the face of your Inner Child. Will it accept a hug? Give your Inner Child a hug. Feel the release of anger and the need for letting go. Take a deep breath in and push out all the negative messages starting with the top of your head and feel all the negativity flow through your body and out through your feet. Look at the face of your Inner Child once more. If there is no smile, take a deep, deep breath in and release slowly. Push the air slowly through your lips and feel the anger leave your body. Breathe in love and self-acceptance; breathe out doubt and negativity. Breathe in once more and hear yourself say, I am love. Open your eyes.
Taking charge of how you see yourself, how you experience yourself is the first step in getting the help you need. You have a choice; we all have choices every day all day, to define yourselves. It seems there are people at work, at play, in the family who are willing to define you. ‘Oh, you’re so sensitive.’, or, ‘You drink too much, you’re probably an alcoholic’, or, ‘If you would just lose weight, you’d probably find the right person.’ The list goes on. It seems so many people know who we are, and yet, don’t seem to know who they are. Define yourself. Change your perspective. That’s a good message to post on your bathroom mirror. Communication is a good second step. Too many men do not admit their history of sexual abuse because they understand we live in a society that being abused, even as a child, makes you less of a man. Men are meant to be powerful, in charge. No man wants to appear “weak”. So, they deny. Deny to themselves and to the people in their lives. But, that need for denial infects all your relationships. It’s toxic. Find the courage to acknowledge you’ve been sexually abused. It’s called liberation. Liberate yourself. Lean on a counselor, find a support group, or both. If you have never been in counseling, type into your computer: Psychology.com. Notice the pictures of licensed men and women. Look closely at the faces. Who would you like to spend an hour a week talking to? Fine. Then pick up your phone and make an appointment. Let the healing begin.‘How can a counselor help? you may very well ask. It’s the counselor’s job to create an environment of trust. When you feel safe and acknowledge to your counselor that you were sexually abused as a child, you have taken an important step towards freedom. Dig deep and tell your counselor how your history has impacted your career, family life and ability to commit. Perhaps you can let go of self-blame, a great goal. A counselor can help you work through your strategies that you think allow you to cope. Are they working? If not, how to let go and develop constructive responses that bring people closer. Any time spent dealing with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), for example, flashbacks, nightmares, depression, anxiety or – as – we’ve discussed, relationship issues, will bring you closer to the person you want to be. ‘I am love’ is repeated in my meditations. Counseling can make you feel that love. You might ask, How long will counseling take? Good question. The answer is direct. It all depends on how open and receptive you are to work your programs, psychological program. If, during discussions, you realize you have buried much hurt, it may take longer. But the emotional investment you make will offer freedom. Freedom from your past and give you the will to be positive about your present moment.Third, and perhaps most importantly, release yourself from the disturbing belief that you should have known better or been strong enough to resist your childhood abuse. Have compassion for the child you were. If you still feel you caused your own abuse, your counselor should be able to put reality in perspective. Freedom, again. Although I believe strongly in taking responsibility for what we say and do, childhood abuse does not fit under this grownup mantra. Recovering from childhood sexual abuse must be deliberate. You must be focused on letting go. Your therapy won’t succeed unless you work harder than your counselor. Let me add a caveat at this point. When I say counselor, I mean a licensed psychotherapist or psychologist.
Let’s close this session by taking a deep breath in through your nose and exhale through your mouth letting go of any tension. Let’s hear that tension leaving your body. One more time. Deep inhale in through the nose and let’s hear you exhale through your mouth. Feel your shoulders relax. Close your eyes. See your Inner Child smiling. Feel your Inner Child depending on you to do the work. Feel your Inner Child relax, see the smile. You’re on your path. You’ve finished nine of ten sessions. Allow yourself a pat on the back. Breathe in and allow your lips to curl upwards. Breathe out and let go of depression. Breathe in love and let go of anxiety. Breathe in freedom and breathe out low self-esteem. Breathe in sunshine and breathe out shame. Breathe in patience and breathe out guilt. Breathe in hope and breathe out loneliness. Breathe in a hug and breathe out social isolation. Breathe in love and breathe out difficulty finding a relationship. Breathe in gratitude and breathe out irrational fear. Breathe in strength and breathe out addiction. Breathe in consciousness and breathe out compulsive behavior. Breathe in joy and breathe out outbursts of rage. Breathe in the summer breeze and breathe out obsessive thoughts. Breathe in kindness and breathe out self-destructive behavior. And finally, take a deep breath in, hold for a second or two and as you breathe out feel your body relax. Well done all. Thank you for joining me today. I look forward to working with you tomorrow when we deal with our partner and their journey. Thank you, again.
If you were sexually abused as a boy and you’ve gotten to Session Nine in this course, then you already know what it means to be strong and recreate your own outcomes. You’re taking responsibility for how your life will look and feel. Healing is your karma, your road to teaching your brain to respond differently to the world, to your history. You’ve passed the beginning point; you’re creating your new road map. You can see birds and trees and people picnicking and enjoying each other’s company. And there you are, in the middle of it all. A life defined by joy and love mixed with trust and awareness. Quoting Dr. Richard B. Gartner in his book, Beyond Betrayal, “There’s no road map except the one you create. There’s no specific destination you must arrive at in order to feel healed. With any word you read in any self-help book, with every thought you have about your healing, with every reflection, decision and feeling you have about it, you’re changing.” End quote. Yes, you’re changing. You’re moving onward and upward.It’s about gaining mastery of your mind, thoughts and memories. It’s about mastering your reactions and interactions. It’s about experiencing the world anew – through a positive lens.
Before we discover more about healing, let’s do a short meditation. Take several intentional deep breaths. Feel your body relaxing. Close your eyes and try to see your Inner Child. The Inner Child that holds all the hurts and memories. See the face of your Inner Child. Will it accept a hug? Give your Inner Child a hug. Feel the release of anger and the need for letting go. Take a deep breath in and push out all the negative messages starting with the top of your head and feel all the negativity flow through your body and out through your feet. Look at the face of your Inner Child once more. If there is no smile, take a deep, deep breath in and release slowly. Push the air slowly through your lips and feel the anger leave your body. Breathe in love and self-acceptance; breathe out doubt and negativity. Breathe in once more and hear yourself say, I am love. Open your eyes.
Taking charge of how you see yourself, how you experience yourself is the first step in getting the help you need. You have a choice; we all have choices every day all day, to define yourselves. It seems there are people at work, at play, in the family who are willing to define you. ‘Oh, you’re so sensitive.’, or, ‘You drink too much, you’re probably an alcoholic’, or, ‘If you would just lose weight, you’d probably find the right person.’ The list goes on. It seems so many people know who we are, and yet, don’t seem to know who they are. Define yourself. Change your perspective. That’s a good message to post on your bathroom mirror. Communication is a good second step. Too many men do not admit their history of sexual abuse because they understand we live in a society that being abused, even as a child, makes you less of a man. Men are meant to be powerful, in charge. No man wants to appear “weak”. So, they deny. Deny to themselves and to the people in their lives. But, that need for denial infects all your relationships. It’s toxic. Find the courage to acknowledge you’ve been sexually abused. It’s called liberation. Liberate yourself. Lean on a counselor, find a support group, or both. If you have never been in counseling, type into your computer: Psychology.com. Notice the pictures of licensed men and women. Look closely at the faces. Who would you like to spend an hour a week talking to? Fine. Then pick up your phone and make an appointment. Let the healing begin.‘How can a counselor help? you may very well ask. It’s the counselor’s job to create an environment of trust. When you feel safe and acknowledge to your counselor that you were sexually abused as a child, you have taken an important step towards freedom. Dig deep and tell your counselor how your history has impacted your career, family life and ability to commit. Perhaps you can let go of self-blame, a great goal. A counselor can help you work through your strategies that you think allow you to cope. Are they working? If not, how to let go and develop constructive responses that bring people closer. Any time spent dealing with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), for example, flashbacks, nightmares, depression, anxiety or – as – we’ve discussed, relationship issues, will bring you closer to the person you want to be. ‘I am love’ is repeated in my meditations. Counseling can make you feel that love. You might ask, How long will counseling take? Good question. The answer is direct. It all depends on how open and receptive you are to work your programs, psychological program. If, during discussions, you realize you have buried much hurt, it may take longer. But the emotional investment you make will offer freedom. Freedom from your past and give you the will to be positive about your present moment.Third, and perhaps most importantly, release yourself from the disturbing belief that you should have known better or been strong enough to resist your childhood abuse. Have compassion for the child you were. If you still feel you caused your own abuse, your counselor should be able to put reality in perspective. Freedom, again. Although I believe strongly in taking responsibility for what we say and do, childhood abuse does not fit under this grownup mantra. Recovering from childhood sexual abuse must be deliberate. You must be focused on letting go. Your therapy won’t succeed unless you work harder than your counselor. Let me add a caveat at this point. When I say counselor, I mean a licensed psychotherapist or psychologist.
Let’s close this session by taking a deep breath in through your nose and exhale through your mouth letting go of any tension. Let’s hear that tension leaving your body. One more time. Deep inhale in through the nose and let’s hear you exhale through your mouth. Feel your shoulders relax. Close your eyes. See your Inner Child smiling. Feel your Inner Child depending on you to do the work. Feel your Inner Child relax, see the smile. You’re on your path. You’ve finished nine of ten sessions. Allow yourself a pat on the back. Breathe in and allow your lips to curl upwards. Breathe out and let go of depression. Breathe in love and let go of anxiety. Breathe in freedom and breathe out low self-esteem. Breathe in sunshine and breathe out shame. Breathe in patience and breathe out guilt. Breathe in hope and breathe out loneliness. Breathe in a hug and breathe out social isolation. Breathe in love and breathe out difficulty finding a relationship. Breathe in gratitude and breathe out irrational fear. Breathe in strength and breathe out addiction. Breathe in consciousness and breathe out compulsive behavior. Breathe in joy and breathe out outbursts of rage. Breathe in the summer breeze and breathe out obsessive thoughts. Breathe in kindness and breathe out self-destructive behavior. And finally, take a deep breath in, hold for a second or two and as you breathe out feel your body relax. Well done all. Thank you for joining me today. I look forward to working with you tomorrow when we deal with our partner and their journey. Thank you, again.
Child Sexual Abuse - ten
MEDITAIONS AND EXERCISES FOR MALE SURVIVORS OF CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE © 2021Healing Session Ten/The Man I Live With Was Sexually Abused as a Child
You may have been unaware when you committed to your partner that he had been sexually abused as a child. From past experience with family and friends, he may have felt you would reject him or not believe him. Even worse, he might have feared you would see him as less than a man. There is also guilt and shame in this mix. He could also have convinced himself that his history of abuse did not affect him or your relationship. It’s called denial. But, if you’re here, there’s a chance his history has profoundly impacted your relationship. What to do? If any uncomfortable feelings should come up, please plan ahead and ask someone to listen with you or listen after you have processed the content. Thanks.
Before we answer any questions, or raise new ones, let’s do a short meditation. Find your most comfortable position. Take a deep breath in and out and feel your body begin to relax. Take another deep breath in and out and try to let go of all the day’s activities. Let’s be here in this moment for now. Let’s think about what you love and appreciate about your partner. Breathe in and think of one positive. Perhaps the way he looks at you. Perhaps the way he emotionally supports you. Breathe out and let go of expectations. I used to expect him to…fill in the blank. Breathe in and remember how you have supported each other emotionally. Breathe out and let go of judgment Breathe in and think of how you have grown as a couple. Breathe out and think, No more. I love the man that he is. One last breathe in; I’ve learned to appreciate his many qualities. Breathe out and feel the change in how you experience each other. Come back into your space, breathe deeply and relax.
The first question that usually comes up is, Can my partner heal from his history of sexual abuse? I believe every man who has experienced childhood sexual abuse can heal. He can let go of anger or a need for retribution; he can let go of self-deprecation; he can move on; he can make a life of love and appreciation. It’s hard work, and it’s constant work. There is no certificate of completion waiting for him. Every day there is a challenge. The point is to gather the tools to fight the demons that come up and that fortify negative messages. You can help by listening. You can help by encouraging him to work on it himself with a therapist or join a support group. The second question is where on the continuum is your partner? That is, are you the first person your partner has ever talked to about his history, or are you one of many over the years? If you’re the first, a suggestion would be to read and research. Go online and read articles, there are many on Google that will educate. If, as an example, a parent or someone he trusted abused him, ask about his trust issues. How will his trust issues affect your relationship? Does he talk to his abuser? You might encourage him to write a letter. The letter should not be sent, but putting his thoughts and feelings on paper will be cathartic. Your encouragement makes you part of his recovery; that’s love. How does recovery work you might ask? It’s not a straight line. Some things have to be learned and relearned: like forgiveness. It’s not about letting the abuser off the hook; it’s about letting go of anger, thoughts of retribution. It’s about being free to move on. As a partner, you will hopefully choose to be involved in every stage of his recovery. That involvement may cause temporary discomfort, but will ultimately bring the two of you closer. If you feel overwhelmed, find or create a support group of your own. Don’t go to denial. Disbelief is a common reaction to a sexual abuse disclosure. You may be repelled by the thought you’ve invested in a man who has been sexually abused. Your belief in the story he has shared will support his movement forward. Going to denial, on the other hand, could increase his sense of shame and further lower his feelings of self-worth. The key: take a deep breath before saying anything, before responding. Convey understanding. Look him in the eye and be sure he sees love.
Do not ask for details; let him share at his own pace. Most important: Don’t minimize. Minimizing will not make his history go away or feel less than it feels for him. Practice patience and understanding. This challenge, when undertaken together, as I keep saying, fortifies love.
Here’s a challenge. Curb your anger at his abuser if the abuser is still in his life. Watch how he reacts and ask him how he thinks you should react. Do not allow your sense of retribution to open a wound that may have healed. Healed is a difficult concept to digest. What you certainly don’t want to do is to encourage your partner towards anger. Saying nothing is the safest. Listening is the best tonic for you both.As I mentioned in an earlier session, Dr. Richard Gartner’s book, Beyond Betrayal, is a good place to begin your education.
If you’ve been baffled by his actions, reactions and behaviors at times, you will feel relief when your partner starts talking about his sexual abuse. Also, problems with good sex, intimacy, and communication can be the result of childhood sexual abuse. At times, you might not feel up to the challenge as head of his support system. The more he opens up, the more information on recovery he takes in, there is a guarantee he will change. The changes may feel uncomfortable at first for the both of you. Relax. Remind yourself: I’m part of the solution.
Here’s a short list of what you can do to help.Believe your partner. Do not minimize his history of abuse.Listen to your partner. Do not attempt to influence his story.Support your partner’s plans to deal with his history of abuse.Focus on your own needs as well as his.Be a trusted friend. Cooperate with your partner’s requests around sexual activity. Remember: You too matter. Respect your own boundaries and set clear limits.
I have a cousin who said she was looking for a man she was willing to pick up after. Well, if you’re willing to pick up after your man, invest, invest, invest.
Let’s conclude with a short meditation on gratitude. Close your eyes gently. Find your most comfortable position and take a few relaxing breathes in and out. Feel your jaw relax; feel your shoulders relax. Picture a bright beam above your head. The beam is soothing. It is massaging your head. It is bringing warmth to your neck, shoulders, arms and hands. Feel your chest and back relax as the beam works its magic. See the beam move to your stomach and back. Feel the tension leave your upper torso. And now your legs, knees, feet and toes are benefitting from the warmth of relaxation. Breathe in and say, I am grateful for the person I am. Breathe out and let go of all negativity. Breathe in and say, I am love. I love. Breathe out and think, I let go of expectations. Breathe in and feel the gratitude for all the good times you have shared. Breathe out and let go of fear. Breathe in and appreciate all you have accomplished together. Breathe out and let go of a need for quick fixes. Breathe in and feel his hug. Breathe out and let go of expectations. Breathe in slowly and deeply and feel the cleansing as you breathe out all negativity. Slowly open your eyes and return to your space.
Thank you for going on this journey of discovery with me. Remember, try to take a small step everyday and it will add up.
You may have been unaware when you committed to your partner that he had been sexually abused as a child. From past experience with family and friends, he may have felt you would reject him or not believe him. Even worse, he might have feared you would see him as less than a man. There is also guilt and shame in this mix. He could also have convinced himself that his history of abuse did not affect him or your relationship. It’s called denial. But, if you’re here, there’s a chance his history has profoundly impacted your relationship. What to do? If any uncomfortable feelings should come up, please plan ahead and ask someone to listen with you or listen after you have processed the content. Thanks.
Before we answer any questions, or raise new ones, let’s do a short meditation. Find your most comfortable position. Take a deep breath in and out and feel your body begin to relax. Take another deep breath in and out and try to let go of all the day’s activities. Let’s be here in this moment for now. Let’s think about what you love and appreciate about your partner. Breathe in and think of one positive. Perhaps the way he looks at you. Perhaps the way he emotionally supports you. Breathe out and let go of expectations. I used to expect him to…fill in the blank. Breathe in and remember how you have supported each other emotionally. Breathe out and let go of judgment Breathe in and think of how you have grown as a couple. Breathe out and think, No more. I love the man that he is. One last breathe in; I’ve learned to appreciate his many qualities. Breathe out and feel the change in how you experience each other. Come back into your space, breathe deeply and relax.
The first question that usually comes up is, Can my partner heal from his history of sexual abuse? I believe every man who has experienced childhood sexual abuse can heal. He can let go of anger or a need for retribution; he can let go of self-deprecation; he can move on; he can make a life of love and appreciation. It’s hard work, and it’s constant work. There is no certificate of completion waiting for him. Every day there is a challenge. The point is to gather the tools to fight the demons that come up and that fortify negative messages. You can help by listening. You can help by encouraging him to work on it himself with a therapist or join a support group. The second question is where on the continuum is your partner? That is, are you the first person your partner has ever talked to about his history, or are you one of many over the years? If you’re the first, a suggestion would be to read and research. Go online and read articles, there are many on Google that will educate. If, as an example, a parent or someone he trusted abused him, ask about his trust issues. How will his trust issues affect your relationship? Does he talk to his abuser? You might encourage him to write a letter. The letter should not be sent, but putting his thoughts and feelings on paper will be cathartic. Your encouragement makes you part of his recovery; that’s love. How does recovery work you might ask? It’s not a straight line. Some things have to be learned and relearned: like forgiveness. It’s not about letting the abuser off the hook; it’s about letting go of anger, thoughts of retribution. It’s about being free to move on. As a partner, you will hopefully choose to be involved in every stage of his recovery. That involvement may cause temporary discomfort, but will ultimately bring the two of you closer. If you feel overwhelmed, find or create a support group of your own. Don’t go to denial. Disbelief is a common reaction to a sexual abuse disclosure. You may be repelled by the thought you’ve invested in a man who has been sexually abused. Your belief in the story he has shared will support his movement forward. Going to denial, on the other hand, could increase his sense of shame and further lower his feelings of self-worth. The key: take a deep breath before saying anything, before responding. Convey understanding. Look him in the eye and be sure he sees love.
Do not ask for details; let him share at his own pace. Most important: Don’t minimize. Minimizing will not make his history go away or feel less than it feels for him. Practice patience and understanding. This challenge, when undertaken together, as I keep saying, fortifies love.
Here’s a challenge. Curb your anger at his abuser if the abuser is still in his life. Watch how he reacts and ask him how he thinks you should react. Do not allow your sense of retribution to open a wound that may have healed. Healed is a difficult concept to digest. What you certainly don’t want to do is to encourage your partner towards anger. Saying nothing is the safest. Listening is the best tonic for you both.As I mentioned in an earlier session, Dr. Richard Gartner’s book, Beyond Betrayal, is a good place to begin your education.
If you’ve been baffled by his actions, reactions and behaviors at times, you will feel relief when your partner starts talking about his sexual abuse. Also, problems with good sex, intimacy, and communication can be the result of childhood sexual abuse. At times, you might not feel up to the challenge as head of his support system. The more he opens up, the more information on recovery he takes in, there is a guarantee he will change. The changes may feel uncomfortable at first for the both of you. Relax. Remind yourself: I’m part of the solution.
Here’s a short list of what you can do to help.Believe your partner. Do not minimize his history of abuse.Listen to your partner. Do not attempt to influence his story.Support your partner’s plans to deal with his history of abuse.Focus on your own needs as well as his.Be a trusted friend. Cooperate with your partner’s requests around sexual activity. Remember: You too matter. Respect your own boundaries and set clear limits.
I have a cousin who said she was looking for a man she was willing to pick up after. Well, if you’re willing to pick up after your man, invest, invest, invest.
Let’s conclude with a short meditation on gratitude. Close your eyes gently. Find your most comfortable position and take a few relaxing breathes in and out. Feel your jaw relax; feel your shoulders relax. Picture a bright beam above your head. The beam is soothing. It is massaging your head. It is bringing warmth to your neck, shoulders, arms and hands. Feel your chest and back relax as the beam works its magic. See the beam move to your stomach and back. Feel the tension leave your upper torso. And now your legs, knees, feet and toes are benefitting from the warmth of relaxation. Breathe in and say, I am grateful for the person I am. Breathe out and let go of all negativity. Breathe in and say, I am love. I love. Breathe out and think, I let go of expectations. Breathe in and feel the gratitude for all the good times you have shared. Breathe out and let go of fear. Breathe in and appreciate all you have accomplished together. Breathe out and let go of a need for quick fixes. Breathe in and feel his hug. Breathe out and let go of expectations. Breathe in slowly and deeply and feel the cleansing as you breathe out all negativity. Slowly open your eyes and return to your space.
Thank you for going on this journey of discovery with me. Remember, try to take a small step everyday and it will add up.
Child Sexual Abuse - conclusion
MEDITATIONS AND EXERCISES FOR MALE SURVIVORS OF CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE © 2021Conclusion/There is healing!
Your history of childhood sexual abuse, and the feelings attached to those memories, should be dealt with carefully and slowly. Set goals, yes, but not deadlines. Do not set yourself up for disappointment. Remember, you are important. You make a difference. People care about you and you are learning to care about yourself. All positive. We want to maintain positive and let go of all negative. Talk to a professional if you should feel overwhelmed. Think of a Chinese menu: Column A and Column B. Column A stands for positive messages and Column B stands for negative messages. Grab a piece of paper and a pencil. Write a large A and B at the top. Which column gets filled up faster? Usually, a man with a history of childhood sexual abuse can fill up the negative column a lot quicker than the positive column. That’s what this course has been about: Giving yourself permission to see the positive attributes that other’s see in you. We’re all here together to remind you that you are important, that you bring light and power into the lives of family and friends. Quoting the Rolling Stones: I feel alright, I feel alright, Do you feel it? Do you? C’mon yeah. It’s okay to feel okay. If you’re not okay today, journal why. Learn. Teach yourself through meditation and journaling. We see you. We need you in this world to help others. Find a support group. Join a support group here on Insight Timer.
I am hoping my ten-day course has given you the power to reach out and share your story in a safe environment. Talk to a friend or a professional in manageable chunks. It’s all part of the healing process.
Speaking of hope, I should like to leave you with a few words about hope. I’ll start with paraphrasing the Beatles song, All You Need is Love. Yes, all you need is love; but, also,, all you need is hope. How do we find hope? First, practice gratitude. Before I get out of bed in the morning, I think of all the things and people I am grateful for. In my journal, I try to be conscious of all the positives in my life by writing a list of gratitudes. Note the sunshine. Notice you are breathing. Are you walking? Talking? Reading? Writing? Take nothing for granted. Be aware of the small gratitudes as well as the big, obvious gratitudes. It all adds up to hope. Begin to plan, small, manageable steps, how you get to your vision of hope. Foster positivity by allowing yourself to take in that hurt, anger and disappointment will subside in time. Don’t let your past steal another day, another moment. Choose to be positive, a little more each day. I’ll end with another quote from All You Need is Love: There’s nothing you can do that can’t be done.
Your history of childhood sexual abuse, and the feelings attached to those memories, should be dealt with carefully and slowly. Set goals, yes, but not deadlines. Do not set yourself up for disappointment. Remember, you are important. You make a difference. People care about you and you are learning to care about yourself. All positive. We want to maintain positive and let go of all negative. Talk to a professional if you should feel overwhelmed. Think of a Chinese menu: Column A and Column B. Column A stands for positive messages and Column B stands for negative messages. Grab a piece of paper and a pencil. Write a large A and B at the top. Which column gets filled up faster? Usually, a man with a history of childhood sexual abuse can fill up the negative column a lot quicker than the positive column. That’s what this course has been about: Giving yourself permission to see the positive attributes that other’s see in you. We’re all here together to remind you that you are important, that you bring light and power into the lives of family and friends. Quoting the Rolling Stones: I feel alright, I feel alright, Do you feel it? Do you? C’mon yeah. It’s okay to feel okay. If you’re not okay today, journal why. Learn. Teach yourself through meditation and journaling. We see you. We need you in this world to help others. Find a support group. Join a support group here on Insight Timer.
I am hoping my ten-day course has given you the power to reach out and share your story in a safe environment. Talk to a friend or a professional in manageable chunks. It’s all part of the healing process.
Speaking of hope, I should like to leave you with a few words about hope. I’ll start with paraphrasing the Beatles song, All You Need is Love. Yes, all you need is love; but, also,, all you need is hope. How do we find hope? First, practice gratitude. Before I get out of bed in the morning, I think of all the things and people I am grateful for. In my journal, I try to be conscious of all the positives in my life by writing a list of gratitudes. Note the sunshine. Notice you are breathing. Are you walking? Talking? Reading? Writing? Take nothing for granted. Be aware of the small gratitudes as well as the big, obvious gratitudes. It all adds up to hope. Begin to plan, small, manageable steps, how you get to your vision of hope. Foster positivity by allowing yourself to take in that hurt, anger and disappointment will subside in time. Don’t let your past steal another day, another moment. Choose to be positive, a little more each day. I’ll end with another quote from All You Need is Love: There’s nothing you can do that can’t be done.