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REACTING vs RESPONDING
An Essay by Dr. Irwin Jay Asher
- Someone slashed my tire. I suspected a neighbor who had expressed her disdain for me.
- I called the police. The neighbor paraded herself in front of me and the policeman. She seemed to be saying: “You have no proof; you can’t identify me.” She was having a jolly old time.
- When the policeman left, she came up to me, and asked: “What do you think of me?” Without thinking, reacting, I said, “You’re Rabble.”
- That is exactly the ammunition she was after. She went door-to-door telling every neighbor who would listen that this White man called her, a Black woman, Rabble. Of course, she never explained why I said it. I handed her the prize she was after: power over me. She needed to win; she needed me to lose.
- Well, if I had taken a breath and thought about it, I would have said, “I don’t think about you!” I would have neutralized the situation, not given her my power, and slept soundly. Too late.
- Reacting vs Responding is easy to instruct someone, but hard to do in the moment. I’m not here because I have successfully become a responder in a reactive world; I am here as a fellow student trying to prepare myself for the next negative encounter.
- Reacting
- Reacting involves responding to a trigger that lies buried in our Inner Child.
1. Each of us has a wounded child within us who holds all the memories of our past. The memories of rejection. The memories of not being paid attention to. When confronted with a challenge as I describe above, it is not the adult who reacts, it’s the wounded inner child that has been tapped in to.2. The person being aggressive and hateful is also acting from her wounded inner child.3. See Charles Whitfield’s book, Healing the Inner Child. Become friends with your Inner Child. Find ways to hear what your inner child is saying to you. Your Inner Child talks; discover how to listen, hear what you must learn.
In my practice as a family psychotherapist, I noted that men and women who did not have a college degree were super sensitive to any remark that might indicate the speaker was looking down on their intelligence. I thought of these toxic thought patterns as stumbling blocks embedded in our subconscious mind from childhood. Enter fight-or-flight response. Fight-or-Flight Response Dr. Carolyn Fisher: “The fight-or-flight response, or stress response, is triggered by a release of hormones either prompting us to stay and fight or run away and flee.” She adds: “During the response, the bodily systems are working to keep us alive in what we’ve perceived as a dangerous situation.” The Four Fs of Fight-or-Flight Response:Fight: protect yourself from conflictFlight: protect yourself from threat through escapeFreeze: protect yourself through dissociationFawn: protect yourself from threat through placation
Stress ResponseIf you are rested and life is amazing, there’s a good chance you will react in a way that looks and feels like a healthy, measured response. If you are angry, dealing with health issues, just lost a job, it may be difficult to act the adult. You might be aware that you could have chosen a healthy response, but were unable to.Forgive yourself. Learn from the times you are proud of responding, learn from troubled reactions. Learn!
Revenge ResponseI drove to my office like any ordinary day. The phone rang. A man said he had to come in with his wife today! I said okay. Hours later they sat across from me. “Why are you here?” I asked. In voices edged with anger, the story unfolded. The husband was away on a business trip. He ass-dialed his wife. The wife picked up the phone, and said, “Hello.” She heard, “Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me.” It took several minutes for the husband to realize what had happened. He was otherwise occupied. He got on a plane that night. The following morning he called me. After several therapy sessions, they decided to stay together – for their daughter’s sake. Another conquest for Dr. I. Jay Asher. Twelve months later, the husband called again. He had come home for lunch and found his wife in bed with a stranger. Revenge response. Revenge is not always sweet, especially when a child is involved. Imagine the negativity attacking her body while she planned and plotted her revenge. Again, I ask, what is the atmosphere their child is enduring? The child’s Inner Child is being impacted. Somewhere down her road, a therapist will have to dig out what she went through as her parents played happy-happy. Google: “Revenge is the emotionally mediated psychological motivation or desire to harm for its own sake, expressing a form of hatred.” Be careful if you can look back on a history of revenge. A history of revenge is the foundation of psychopathy. Reactions offer short-term comfort. It is not optimal because it does not include thought and consideration. Reactions are instinctive, like a knee-jerk. They do not engage our ability to think. Reactions are almost always quick-quick. There is no time to think of consequences - for you and the person you are trying to hurt. Reactions are almost always defensive: Your boyfriend disappoints you and you decide to leave the relationship. It’s a temporary fix. Defensive reactions are almost always a mistake. Reactions often create additional difficulties. Did you listen to your boyfriend’s story? Did he ring an emotional bell you were unaware of? What happens to the emotional investment you’ve already made? Throwing it away? Yes, if it’s abuse. No, if it’s about you. Winning and Losing: If you’re playing to WIN, you’ve already lost before you open your mouth. There are no winners when you’re angry and want to defeat your enemy.
Take a deep, deep breath
Responding
Pause. In one word I can describe the difference between React and Respond: PAUSE! The deeper the breath, the longer the pause, the faster the reaction goes away. Learn your triggers. When you are trigger-aware, responding is easy. With an intelligent, compassionate response, we become teachers. Our children will mimic us. Our relationships will be nurtured. Our business associates will respect what we have to say. All good. As you calm down, those around you will calm down, leading to healthy relationships. If you try to respond, and at first you don’t succeed – yes – try and try again. You will master response. You will notice how you are responding; you will know how you want to respond; and that awareness will take you to the place you want to reside. What has helped me get from A to B is an attempt to walk in the shoes of the person who has triggered my reaction. If I take the time to try to understand what the person has gone through and is going through, I often am able to apply compassion. The compassion helps me soften my response. Compassion can lead to respectful communications. Good goals. Bottom line: When you respond with kindness and thoughtfulness, you will formulate a response that shows the very best nature that is within you. You will set an example of healthy interaction.
In my practice as a family psychotherapist, I noted that men and women who did not have a college degree were super sensitive to any remark that might indicate the speaker was looking down on their intelligence. I thought of these toxic thought patterns as stumbling blocks embedded in our subconscious mind from childhood. Enter fight-or-flight response. Fight-or-Flight Response Dr. Carolyn Fisher: “The fight-or-flight response, or stress response, is triggered by a release of hormones either prompting us to stay and fight or run away and flee.” She adds: “During the response, the bodily systems are working to keep us alive in what we’ve perceived as a dangerous situation.” The Four Fs of Fight-or-Flight Response:Fight: protect yourself from conflictFlight: protect yourself from threat through escapeFreeze: protect yourself through dissociationFawn: protect yourself from threat through placation
Stress ResponseIf you are rested and life is amazing, there’s a good chance you will react in a way that looks and feels like a healthy, measured response. If you are angry, dealing with health issues, just lost a job, it may be difficult to act the adult. You might be aware that you could have chosen a healthy response, but were unable to.Forgive yourself. Learn from the times you are proud of responding, learn from troubled reactions. Learn!
Revenge ResponseI drove to my office like any ordinary day. The phone rang. A man said he had to come in with his wife today! I said okay. Hours later they sat across from me. “Why are you here?” I asked. In voices edged with anger, the story unfolded. The husband was away on a business trip. He ass-dialed his wife. The wife picked up the phone, and said, “Hello.” She heard, “Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me.” It took several minutes for the husband to realize what had happened. He was otherwise occupied. He got on a plane that night. The following morning he called me. After several therapy sessions, they decided to stay together – for their daughter’s sake. Another conquest for Dr. I. Jay Asher. Twelve months later, the husband called again. He had come home for lunch and found his wife in bed with a stranger. Revenge response. Revenge is not always sweet, especially when a child is involved. Imagine the negativity attacking her body while she planned and plotted her revenge. Again, I ask, what is the atmosphere their child is enduring? The child’s Inner Child is being impacted. Somewhere down her road, a therapist will have to dig out what she went through as her parents played happy-happy. Google: “Revenge is the emotionally mediated psychological motivation or desire to harm for its own sake, expressing a form of hatred.” Be careful if you can look back on a history of revenge. A history of revenge is the foundation of psychopathy. Reactions offer short-term comfort. It is not optimal because it does not include thought and consideration. Reactions are instinctive, like a knee-jerk. They do not engage our ability to think. Reactions are almost always quick-quick. There is no time to think of consequences - for you and the person you are trying to hurt. Reactions are almost always defensive: Your boyfriend disappoints you and you decide to leave the relationship. It’s a temporary fix. Defensive reactions are almost always a mistake. Reactions often create additional difficulties. Did you listen to your boyfriend’s story? Did he ring an emotional bell you were unaware of? What happens to the emotional investment you’ve already made? Throwing it away? Yes, if it’s abuse. No, if it’s about you. Winning and Losing: If you’re playing to WIN, you’ve already lost before you open your mouth. There are no winners when you’re angry and want to defeat your enemy.
Take a deep, deep breath
Responding
Pause. In one word I can describe the difference between React and Respond: PAUSE! The deeper the breath, the longer the pause, the faster the reaction goes away. Learn your triggers. When you are trigger-aware, responding is easy. With an intelligent, compassionate response, we become teachers. Our children will mimic us. Our relationships will be nurtured. Our business associates will respect what we have to say. All good. As you calm down, those around you will calm down, leading to healthy relationships. If you try to respond, and at first you don’t succeed – yes – try and try again. You will master response. You will notice how you are responding; you will know how you want to respond; and that awareness will take you to the place you want to reside. What has helped me get from A to B is an attempt to walk in the shoes of the person who has triggered my reaction. If I take the time to try to understand what the person has gone through and is going through, I often am able to apply compassion. The compassion helps me soften my response. Compassion can lead to respectful communications. Good goals. Bottom line: When you respond with kindness and thoughtfulness, you will formulate a response that shows the very best nature that is within you. You will set an example of healthy interaction.
This essay was edited by Kim Campbell