photo @wayne.marcus
Fear and the Inner Child
An Essay by Dr. Irwin Jay Asher
“There is nothing to fear but fear itself.” Franklin Delano Roosevelt, First Inaugural.
“Healing the Inner Child’s pain is the key to transforming anger, sadness, and fear.” Thich Nhat Hanh
“If you are living in a state of fear, you cannot be in a state of love.” Lisa Morano
“Healing the Inner Child’s pain is the key to transforming anger, sadness, and fear.” Thich Nhat Hanh
“If you are living in a state of fear, you cannot be in a state of love.” Lisa Morano
- Bullies and Your Fear
- In September, 1963, I attended the first-ever New York Film Festival. Although I don’t remember any of the films, I do remember a short film. It talked to me. It was about a boy who was bullied by a bigger, perhaps older boy. The main character decided he would body build in order to threaten the older boy. Next scene is of the bullied boy with a muscled body. He approaches the bully only to discover his new muscles did not protect him from his inner fears. It’s all about the inside, the Inner Child, not the outside.
- The Inner Child is part of all of us. We are born and the Inner Child awakens. Whatever happens to us, the Inner Child records. If our parents are affectionate and caring, the message recorded by our Inner Child is that we are okay. If our parents are alcoholics, for example, and are not attentive, the message may be that we are not okay. If the boys in the neighborhood enjoy playing ball with us, or the girls enjoy playing jump rope with us, the message recorded in our Inner Child is that we are likeable. These messages impact our adult relationships and responses.
- Fear is recorded by our Inner Child. The first time I remember feeling fear is when my mother told me my father nearly had a car accident as he drove through Central Park on a snow-slicked road. I can still feel my reaction. When I was seven, playing in the street in the south Bronx, a manhole cover exploded due to a gas leak, I remember feeling fear because my mother might be hurt; she was pregnant. I ran to our apartment to find my mother doing her chores, unaware of the explosion. The fear remained.
- Dr. Sainfort said to me recently that bullies can smell fear. I understood what she was trying to tell me. Bullies are frightened. They make themselves important by bullying others. They derive false power by gas lighting you to feel less than. To the bully, when they see in your eyes that they have made you feel less than, they allow themselves to feel more than superior.
- I spent twenty-five years in the fashion industry in New York City. The more successful I became, the more I was bullied. The front cover of Playboy magazine featured my cruise wear designs, I was bullied. Someone said something hurtful. My bosses always seemed threatened by my successes. In one particular job situation, I was hired by a menswear department vice-president. He had a close relationship with the owner, an older man; his father figure. The owner would stop by to congratulate me on a successful presentation; my boss would make my life miserable. He invented misery. Yes, the business world does not always honor success. The fears of their Inner Child gets in the way of their ability to say, Well done. Their Inner Child competes to maintain sanity.
- Bullies and Fear, Part II
- Bullies are weak and incomplete emotionally. They feel complete when they successfully intimidate; when they see they have power over how you see yourself. They want you thinking about them all of the time. If you’re thinking about them, you have no time to love yourself. Giving time to love yourself every day is imperative to become boss over those childhood memories that say you should be afraid. No negative shoulds. Only positive should. You should love yourself. You should count your blessings. You should acknowledge to yourself what makes you unique. You should understand why the people you invest in like and appreciate you. The human condition, based on hunter-gatherers survival of 15,000 + years ago, programs us to see negative responses to life. When you feel that negative response encroaching on your here and now, STOP! Stop, turn your negative response into a positive.
- Here’s a thought: Don’t bully yourself. When you do or say the wrong thing, forgive yourself. Admit that you are human and humans make mistakes;. There must be many books on philosophy that state you can learn from your mistakes. Okay, so when you misspeak, give your Inner Child a hug. Yes, stop for a moment, put your arms around your stomach and squeeze. If you like, talk to your Inner Child: “It’s okay. I forgive myself. I will do everything in my power to think ahead and not put myself in this tough situation again. Or, I will invest in healthier people so I am never again in this negative situation. I can do it. We, together, can do it. We’re a team. We are love.”
- Healing your Inner Child: Challenges to think about
- In childhood, when we live through an unsafe experience, and no adult is there to help us understand and move forward, the pain and fear can live on into adulthood.
- In a sense, we have to go back, feel the childhood fear, and be that missing parent. Yes, we must parent ourselves.
- Although we may be parents ourselves, the job facing us is to re-parent our Inner Child.
- We want to access that younger self that is alive and well within us, that younger self that is waiting for us to send help; heal. Heal thyself.
1. Your Inner Child is real
If you’re having difficulty understanding the power of the Inner Child, may I suggest you start by reading Charles Whitfield’s Healing the Child Within. His book changed my life; made me aware.Your job is to acknowledge your Inner Child, let him or her know that you acknowledge all that they are storing for you. Let your Inner Child know that you are a partner. Together, you are focused on healing.
2. Create a positive habitEvery morning, before I get out of bed, I think of my Inner Child and give myself a big hug. I wrap my arms around my mid-section, and say, “We’re okay. We’ve got each other. I am looking after you. You are no longer alone holding negative memories.”
3. Counterbalance: happy memoriesI think: ha ha. I think of happy times. I think of picking blueberries. I think of my father carrying me into the house after I had my tonsils out. I think how beautiful my mother looked at my bar mitzvah. I think of my cousins and our childhood connections.
4. When you look in the mirror, what do you see?When you look in the mirror, are you accustomed to hearing a voice say: You’re fat. What were you thinking when you bought this unflattering outfit? Your chin is sagging, do something. You need a new hairdo, how many times do you need to be reminded? Counterbalance: You look great. What a kind face. I’m so pleased with my new promotion; I deserved it, I worked hard. My waistline is finally where I want it. Smirk when you look in the mirror, and say, “I am wonderful.”
5. Self-love is the best medicinePeople talk about their “ah-ha!” moment in life. The moment of awareness that becomes a marker on a new philosophy, a new awareness. Remind yourself through journaling how special you are. Mark the moments you have made a difference. Set goals, out loud, and pat yourself on the back when those goals are met. Take no accomplishment for granted. Because doing something wonderful may come easy to you, it still matters. Let’s be modern and aware: SELF-LOVE MATTERS.
6. A psychiatrist suggested to me…A psychiatrist made a suggestion that I resisted for about 24-hours. Because I respected the woman, I got out a large sheet of art paper and two magic markers, one navy and one red. Okay. She said to think of a childhood name: Irwin – and an adult name: Jay. Irwin had the red marker which I used in my left, non-dominant hand. The navy marker was Jay which I used in my right hand, my dominant hand. And then, OMG, and then I asked my right hand, navy, to ask the Inner Child a question. To my great surprise, my Inner Child had a lot to say. I had no idea what would be said. But, what was said changed my perspective on how to love my Inner Child. Try it. Take the time.
7. Responding rather than reactingDo you notice when you react, you are unhappy with yourself. Something is said or done that triggers a hurt that is stored in your Inner Child. You want to respond, which is an adult way to say I do not appreciate what you have said or done and I’m letting you know about my boundaries. Pay attention to your interactions with friends, family and business associates. Ask your Inner Child: Why did I react so vehemently? What remains unresolved and needs attention? Write. Journal. Find a therapist.
8. Give yourself permission to have funIt took me many years to incorporate fun in every day. I was creative as a child. I painted; I started a novel. I traveled. Then, at the age of 52, I went back to school and got a master’s and Doctorate in family counseling. Life became serious. I invested my energy in helping others make peace – or find peace. Now, I’m back to fun. I walk. I talk with friends and family. I write. I decorate. I am back in touch with my creative child. How did you express your creativity as a child? Get back in touch with that magnificent side of yourself. 9. Insight TimerThis is not a paid advertisement. I say – honestly – that my body and mind are much more at ease because of the meditations I work with every day. Before I get out of bed in the morning, I switch on Gratitude Meditations with Insight Timer. I start my day peacefully and with gratitude. During the day, I listen to men and women who have devoted their lives to teaching meditation. Meditation has taught me to be in the NOW. That is, the past is behind us, the future is an unknown, dwell in the moment. My Inner Child is finding peace.
10. Get smart, smarter, smartestRead! As mentioned earlier: Charles Whitfield WHOLE AGAIN, healing your heart and rediscovering your true self by Jackson MacKensie IT DIDN’T START WITH YOU. How inherited family trauma shapes who we are and how to end the cycle by Mark Wolynn. THE POWER OF NOW, a guide to spiritual enlightenment by Eckhart Tolle.
4. When you look in the mirror, what do you see?When you look in the mirror, are you accustomed to hearing a voice say: You’re fat. What were you thinking when you bought this unflattering outfit? Your chin is sagging, do something. You need a new hairdo, how many times do you need to be reminded? Counterbalance: You look great. What a kind face. I’m so pleased with my new promotion; I deserved it, I worked hard. My waistline is finally where I want it. Smirk when you look in the mirror, and say, “I am wonderful.”
5. Self-love is the best medicinePeople talk about their “ah-ha!” moment in life. The moment of awareness that becomes a marker on a new philosophy, a new awareness. Remind yourself through journaling how special you are. Mark the moments you have made a difference. Set goals, out loud, and pat yourself on the back when those goals are met. Take no accomplishment for granted. Because doing something wonderful may come easy to you, it still matters. Let’s be modern and aware: SELF-LOVE MATTERS.
6. A psychiatrist suggested to me…A psychiatrist made a suggestion that I resisted for about 24-hours. Because I respected the woman, I got out a large sheet of art paper and two magic markers, one navy and one red. Okay. She said to think of a childhood name: Irwin – and an adult name: Jay. Irwin had the red marker which I used in my left, non-dominant hand. The navy marker was Jay which I used in my right hand, my dominant hand. And then, OMG, and then I asked my right hand, navy, to ask the Inner Child a question. To my great surprise, my Inner Child had a lot to say. I had no idea what would be said. But, what was said changed my perspective on how to love my Inner Child. Try it. Take the time.
7. Responding rather than reactingDo you notice when you react, you are unhappy with yourself. Something is said or done that triggers a hurt that is stored in your Inner Child. You want to respond, which is an adult way to say I do not appreciate what you have said or done and I’m letting you know about my boundaries. Pay attention to your interactions with friends, family and business associates. Ask your Inner Child: Why did I react so vehemently? What remains unresolved and needs attention? Write. Journal. Find a therapist.
8. Give yourself permission to have funIt took me many years to incorporate fun in every day. I was creative as a child. I painted; I started a novel. I traveled. Then, at the age of 52, I went back to school and got a master’s and Doctorate in family counseling. Life became serious. I invested my energy in helping others make peace – or find peace. Now, I’m back to fun. I walk. I talk with friends and family. I write. I decorate. I am back in touch with my creative child. How did you express your creativity as a child? Get back in touch with that magnificent side of yourself. 9. Insight TimerThis is not a paid advertisement. I say – honestly – that my body and mind are much more at ease because of the meditations I work with every day. Before I get out of bed in the morning, I switch on Gratitude Meditations with Insight Timer. I start my day peacefully and with gratitude. During the day, I listen to men and women who have devoted their lives to teaching meditation. Meditation has taught me to be in the NOW. That is, the past is behind us, the future is an unknown, dwell in the moment. My Inner Child is finding peace.
10. Get smart, smarter, smartestRead! As mentioned earlier: Charles Whitfield WHOLE AGAIN, healing your heart and rediscovering your true self by Jackson MacKensie IT DIDN’T START WITH YOU. How inherited family trauma shapes who we are and how to end the cycle by Mark Wolynn. THE POWER OF NOW, a guide to spiritual enlightenment by Eckhart Tolle.
And in conclusion:
- In my 26 years as a family therapist, I found no exception to the rule. The rule is that all childhoods are traumatic at some point. I had seriously wealthy clients who enjoyed endless life benefits. No matter, their traumas piled up. I remember individuals and families who needed a sliding scale. Poverty burns through all the good a parent or parents hope to bestow. There were a youth in Houston who had to do his homework after his parents fell into bed – drunk. I can recall Mexican youth who were sexually abused by an “uncle,” their father’s best friend. And all the women who were sexually abused as a child by their older brother. I still think about the adults whose parents never said they were special. Years ago, I worked with a woman who grew up in Los Angeles. Her father was an entertainment lawyer. She said that every night as she was put to bed as a young child, her father would say to her, “you can be anything you want to be.” And she was a super successful business woman. My blood still boils as I think of the fathers who competed with their sons. Oh, I could have done that much better than you. Or the father who screamed at his son for dropping the football at a high school game.
- Put your stories in proportion. Give an “adult read” to those personalities who marked your youth. Take charge of your past and you will be in control of your present and future.