photo @wayne.marcus
find your ikigai
An Essay by Dr. Irwin Jay Asher
What we love to do, or that which we are even called to do,positively impacts others.
Scott Barry Kaufman,PhD and Jordyn H. Feingold, MD
Choose Growth
- IKI = Life; alive
- GAI = to be worthwhile; benefit
- IKIGAI = Finding your reason for being
The building blocks of life….
Shakespeare said:
I always feel happy. Youknow why? Because I don’t expectanything from anyone.Expectations always hurt.. Life isshort. So, love your life.Be happy & keep smiling. Just livefor yourself & before you speak, Listen.Before you write, Think.Before you spend, Earn.Before you hurt, Feel.Before you hate, Love.Before you quit, Try.Before you die, Live.
If Shakespeare had been born in Japan, he most certainly would have lived and written about IKIGAI.
Ikigai is all about having a sense of a meaningful purpose in life. Meaningful meaning you are applying yourself passionately to something that keeps you growing and makes a difference in your life and the lives of others. Ask yourself: What gets me to jump out of bed in the morning? Can you allow yourself to feel fulfilled when you pursue your passions? So many of us grow up with repeated negative messages, it may be difficult to invest in something that makes us happy. Messages like: You’re not good enough. You’re not smart enough. I could have done it better. All destructive; all meant to keep us from our Ikigai.
Too often we invest in life projects that please our parents. I have a friend with proven artistic ability who ended up in dental school to please his parents. I had a client who became a CPA because it was a dream her mother never fulfilled for herself. My doctor’s daughter was kept from ballet school because there was no financial future.
Ask yourself: Am I participating in activities that generate Ikigai; activities that are not forced, but come from your inner soul? Can you hear your inner soul screaming: This is you. This is your passion. Follow your dream. It’s okay if no one but you understands your Ikigai.
If you don’t have a dream, how you gonna have a dream come true?
Bloody Mary, South Pacific,Rogers and Hammerstein
The first thing I felt called to do was to be a Broadway dancer. I had a talent. I was twelve years old. My parents sent me to Jack Stanley School of Dance in Manhattan to make my dream come true. Never happened; I was not athletic. And, I didn’t like the hunger (for a part in a Broadway show) and frustration I found in the faces and body language of the students and teachers. But, I began, in a primitive way, to understand that I saw people’s actions and reactions in a way other people did not. And I listened. I noted, when I listened, people spoke their truth.
My father owned a mother-of-the-bride dress factory in the South Bronx. At the age of sixteen, I started working for him after school. I have often said that children learn from watching their parents, not by what their parents tell them. I watched and learned that we are here to make a difference. My father made a difference by being kind and thoughtful. I watched and took my father’s actions and reactions to heart. I became a mini-me. I tried to follow my father’s standards of love and respect. At lunch, I sat with the sewing operators and listened to their stories. I learned that everyone, everyone has a story to tell. Each story is important. As I worked in the factory and felt the silks and satins, I dreamed of becoming a designer of evening gowns. In high school, I decided I would be a world-famous dress designer and attend FIT (Fashion Institute of Technology). I presented my plan to my father, who said, “No!” I don’t think I had ever heard my father say no before. It was a surprise that stays with me. He did say he would only pay for New York University School of Business because I was flighty and needed business grounding. I listened and attended NYU. Of course, he was right. I succeeded because of that business grounding. Mornings I went to classes; afternoons I made friends with my fraternity brothers. All the guys were Jewish, so there was no drinking. But, they did like partying. I made myself the center of attention by creating a themed party every other Friday night. We became known on campus for our parties. And I experienced another calling. I would be a set designer. I found a school in Milan, Italy. I thought going on an interview with a Broadway producer, the idea that I graduated from a school in Milan would make the producer sit up and take notice. My father said, “No!” It took me years to realize that you’d have to speak Italian to attend a school in Milan. Each new term of fraternity pledges, I got picked to be a big brother. I wondered what all these young men saw in me. It took me decades to figure it out.
I graduated NYU in 1960 with a Bachelor of Science and had no idea what to do with my life. If you graduate law school, you become a lawyer. If you graduate med school, you become a family doctor. I graduated business school, and could not imagine where I’d fit in. No passion lit up my psyche. I could not find my IKIGAI; my motivating force; my sense of purpose or reason for living. Although I understood I connected with people, I could not as yet understand how to turn that charm offensive into a profession; a profession I felt passionate about.
Perhaps because I wanted to connect with my father and the fashion industry, I found my way into menswear design. For twenty-five years I designed sportswear I worked with factory people, salesmen and buyers to sell my designs. It all came so easy, I didn’t think the gifts I had were special. But today, I understand it was a gift to be able to communicate with factory workers, salesmen and buyers. I became a different person with each of the characters I had to interact with. All salesmen allowed me to make the initial presentation. Someone once said I was a born salesman. It took me a moment to catch up. Buyers were strong and buyers were weak. I accommodated without understanding that I adjusted for each particular personality.
After more designs and more sales, I decided I wanted to spend a year in Europe. My parents weren’t happy. I was very happy to leave New York City and the business world behind. I came home understanding I wanted to see more of the world. Why not try importing? I had no training, only enthusiasm. A door opened. I walked through. With the help of a fraternity brother who was in the importing business, I learned to work in Asia. Again, I was respectful of the cultures and personalities. I smiled, ate the food, shook hands and got the samples I needed. At fifty, I got a job in Houston. I felt ready to leave the Big Apple. The job lasted eight months. My heart was no longer into design. Fifty and unemployed. And living in Houston, a town I did not know. But, I was in a warm climate, and I had always wanted to live where the sun shined most days. Someone suggested I join FortyPlus, a self-help group devoted to men and women over forty who were looking for work. Everyone had to participate in some way. I was asked to facilitate a group of men and women who were having difficulty with their spouses. That is, Why are you not finding work? How are we going to pay bills? I asked: Why did you pick me? I took a personality inventory test which declared I was 96 artistic and 92 social services. I had to ask what social services stood for. At that very same moment, I met six youth who wanted to start a support group for gay and lesbian youth. They asked me to facilitate. I took on the challenge. Two years later, I had formed a group of adult men and women who worked with the youth. It is my greatest success story. All of my training with business people came to be the center of my success. I thought of my own youth and asked myself: What would you have wanted a support group for gay and lesbian youth to feel like? The group goes on thirty years later. At fifty-two, with my experiences and personality inventory in hand, I dared to apply to The University of Houston in their Psychology Department. I thought … why not become a therapist? I was accepted. Along the way, I was told I was invited into the program because the admission board felt I would make good use of the training. Two years later, I had completed my master’s. I stepped back and felt, at my age, I had to have a doctorate. Three years later I was Dr. Irwin Jay Asher. I moved to the Fort Lauderdale area. I opened an office, my very first time on my own, and sold myself as a family/couples counselor. I had found my true IKIGAI. It took fifty-seven years, but I got there.
My father owned a mother-of-the-bride dress factory in the South Bronx. At the age of sixteen, I started working for him after school. I have often said that children learn from watching their parents, not by what their parents tell them. I watched and learned that we are here to make a difference. My father made a difference by being kind and thoughtful. I watched and took my father’s actions and reactions to heart. I became a mini-me. I tried to follow my father’s standards of love and respect. At lunch, I sat with the sewing operators and listened to their stories. I learned that everyone, everyone has a story to tell. Each story is important. As I worked in the factory and felt the silks and satins, I dreamed of becoming a designer of evening gowns. In high school, I decided I would be a world-famous dress designer and attend FIT (Fashion Institute of Technology). I presented my plan to my father, who said, “No!” I don’t think I had ever heard my father say no before. It was a surprise that stays with me. He did say he would only pay for New York University School of Business because I was flighty and needed business grounding. I listened and attended NYU. Of course, he was right. I succeeded because of that business grounding. Mornings I went to classes; afternoons I made friends with my fraternity brothers. All the guys were Jewish, so there was no drinking. But, they did like partying. I made myself the center of attention by creating a themed party every other Friday night. We became known on campus for our parties. And I experienced another calling. I would be a set designer. I found a school in Milan, Italy. I thought going on an interview with a Broadway producer, the idea that I graduated from a school in Milan would make the producer sit up and take notice. My father said, “No!” It took me years to realize that you’d have to speak Italian to attend a school in Milan. Each new term of fraternity pledges, I got picked to be a big brother. I wondered what all these young men saw in me. It took me decades to figure it out.
I graduated NYU in 1960 with a Bachelor of Science and had no idea what to do with my life. If you graduate law school, you become a lawyer. If you graduate med school, you become a family doctor. I graduated business school, and could not imagine where I’d fit in. No passion lit up my psyche. I could not find my IKIGAI; my motivating force; my sense of purpose or reason for living. Although I understood I connected with people, I could not as yet understand how to turn that charm offensive into a profession; a profession I felt passionate about.
Perhaps because I wanted to connect with my father and the fashion industry, I found my way into menswear design. For twenty-five years I designed sportswear I worked with factory people, salesmen and buyers to sell my designs. It all came so easy, I didn’t think the gifts I had were special. But today, I understand it was a gift to be able to communicate with factory workers, salesmen and buyers. I became a different person with each of the characters I had to interact with. All salesmen allowed me to make the initial presentation. Someone once said I was a born salesman. It took me a moment to catch up. Buyers were strong and buyers were weak. I accommodated without understanding that I adjusted for each particular personality.
After more designs and more sales, I decided I wanted to spend a year in Europe. My parents weren’t happy. I was very happy to leave New York City and the business world behind. I came home understanding I wanted to see more of the world. Why not try importing? I had no training, only enthusiasm. A door opened. I walked through. With the help of a fraternity brother who was in the importing business, I learned to work in Asia. Again, I was respectful of the cultures and personalities. I smiled, ate the food, shook hands and got the samples I needed. At fifty, I got a job in Houston. I felt ready to leave the Big Apple. The job lasted eight months. My heart was no longer into design. Fifty and unemployed. And living in Houston, a town I did not know. But, I was in a warm climate, and I had always wanted to live where the sun shined most days. Someone suggested I join FortyPlus, a self-help group devoted to men and women over forty who were looking for work. Everyone had to participate in some way. I was asked to facilitate a group of men and women who were having difficulty with their spouses. That is, Why are you not finding work? How are we going to pay bills? I asked: Why did you pick me? I took a personality inventory test which declared I was 96 artistic and 92 social services. I had to ask what social services stood for. At that very same moment, I met six youth who wanted to start a support group for gay and lesbian youth. They asked me to facilitate. I took on the challenge. Two years later, I had formed a group of adult men and women who worked with the youth. It is my greatest success story. All of my training with business people came to be the center of my success. I thought of my own youth and asked myself: What would you have wanted a support group for gay and lesbian youth to feel like? The group goes on thirty years later. At fifty-two, with my experiences and personality inventory in hand, I dared to apply to The University of Houston in their Psychology Department. I thought … why not become a therapist? I was accepted. Along the way, I was told I was invited into the program because the admission board felt I would make good use of the training. Two years later, I had completed my master’s. I stepped back and felt, at my age, I had to have a doctorate. Three years later I was Dr. Irwin Jay Asher. I moved to the Fort Lauderdale area. I opened an office, my very first time on my own, and sold myself as a family/couples counselor. I had found my true IKIGAI. It took fifty-seven years, but I got there.
How to find your IKIGAI
1. What do you love to do?
Think of the things you wake up in the morning looking forward to taking part in. It could be sports or cooking or exercising or planning a gathering at your church for Christmas celebration. I took a personality inventory to stop the guessing. It worked for me. I believe in options. Options offer opportunity. With the results of a personality inventory, you are looking at options. If you have insightful friends or family members, ask them how they see you.
2. What are you good at?
Skills! Do you find you are able to fix things? Do you find when you are knitting that you create your own patterns? Have you enjoyed seeing the world? Can you fix a car with a blindfold on? Look closely at your life. Become friends with a pen and a journal. Write about what floats your boat. Start with … I enjoy … Yes, what do you enjoy doing? Would you like turning that joy into a career? Why does work have to be work, why can’t it be fun?
3. What does the world need from you?
I have often said that I was born with an ‘L’ engraved on my forehead. That is, Listener. People who need to talk, need to share, find me. The stories I’ve heard! Are you the plumber the world has been waiting for? Were you meant to be a social worker? Is going back to school, now that you understand your IKIGAI, frightening? Find a way. Find the money to pay for schooling. Don’t sit on the dream. Make your dream come true.
4. What can you get paid to do?
Yes, we all need to pay our rent or our mortgage. So, we must be practical when we follow our dream, our IKIGAI. As you gather information about what will light your fire, be sure the job you are aiming for has a title. Check the salary range. If you’ve decided your IKIGAI means opening your own business, talk with people in that business to understand your potential. If you want to start a whole new industry from your garage, find the confidence; fill your life with people who will encourage your dream.
“Your passion is waitng for yourcourage to catch up”
“You want to support and lift and entertain the audience,”
Mary Zimmerman said, director at the Met Opera.
“My motto is: Never a dull moment, and always be blossoming.”
Suggested reading: Arnold Schwarzenegger’s “Be Useful”.
Edited by Kim Campbell