photo @wayne.marcus
* AUTHENTICITY* Letting go of the Mask … and connecting with Your Divine Inner Self
An Essay by Dr. Irwin Jay Asher
Part 1: Authenticity
“I love real people who say what they meanAnd mean what they say.No fluff, no lies, no pretense.”
A story:
My tire was slashed while parked at my Florida condo development. That is, my tire was slashed after my back bumper was destroyed and three hubcaps were stolen. I knew who did it. My neighbor did not hide her shame. I didn’t know it at that moment, but she is a classic case of a psychopath; a person born broken who has had an abusive childhood, which added to her combative approach to life and people.
I called the police. The policeman was sympathetic. He said you cannot accuse anyone because you have no proof. He suggested I place a camera in my bedroom window; the bedroom window that overlooks my parking space. While the policeman was taking notes, the psychopath paraded her ass in front of me, mocking me, knowing there was nothing I could do – legally.
Therein was my conundrum. Do I sneak out in the middle of the night, using her example, and slash her tires? I thought of my father. What would my father do? He set the standard of how to be in life: Kind. Thoughtful. I understood the difference between reacting vs responding. Reacting would mean slashing all four of her tires, immediately. Responding would mean thinking of my father and the standards he set for me, taking a deep breath and deciding I do not want to be a mini-psychopath. My authentic self said, ‘Be true to who you are. You do not slash tires.’ I didn’t slash her tires.
Authenticity, a definition:
Individuals considered authentic are those who strive to align their actions with their core values and beliefs with the hope of discovering and then acting in sync with their true (inner) selves. Psychology Today Magazine
And that is what I did: I stayed in sync with my true feelings and beliefs. I heard my Divine Inner Self scream out, “Do onto others, … ”
Psychology Today goes on to say: ‘When people act in ways that violate their self-concept, they may experience negative feelings, ranging from mild discomfort to heavy guilt.’ And that is what I had hoped to avoid, and, in fact, I did avoid. I took the high road.
Psychology Today goes on to say: ‘When people act in ways that violate their self-concept, they may experience negative feelings, ranging from mild discomfort to heavy guilt.’ And that is what I had hoped to avoid, and, in fact, I did avoid. I took the high road.
Living authentically is a lifelong journey (of discovery; of letting go)
As the newborn becomes aware, typically he or she takes on the beliefs and values of the greater family. Not until friendships are formed is the child challenged. Suddenly, an angry response from a playmate makes the child think: I didn’t know anger was possible. Not in my household. A doll is stolen. The little girl is startled by the loss of her favorite companion. She thinks: The world isn’t safe. I didn’t know that.
In adolescence, the teenager may learn that being thin will gain attention. Being smart, getting straight As, may cause “friends” to move on. Do I fail my exams in order to keep my friends? The challenge of authenticity begins. If I am true to myself, I will study and get the best grades; I want to be the first medical doctor in my family. That means? What does that mean? It means I must invest in friends who are self-assured and not threatened by my determination to succeed. I must find friends who encourage me. But first, I must spend time alone. I want to know who I am. I want to be sure of what I offer. Bottom line: I want to define myself and not allow other people to tell me who I am.
In college and graduate school, the challenge to be true to oneself gets tougher.
By nineteen or twenty, the family is left behind for a time as we focus on self-awareness. We form a foundation that begins to allow us to trust our own motives. I joined this fraternity because … I said no to joining the sorority because … I decided to get a part-time job and pay my own tuition because … I want to become a veterinarian in spite of my parents wanting me to ,,, I will start saving for my retirement because I’m watching how my parents are struggling. I cannot make their mistakes. The authentic self is finding its own path. It is a lifelong journey.
How do I know when I am being authentic?
Acting authentically means you have reflected on your values. What is important to you? Honesty must be first on your list if you’re living authentically. And letting go of people who lie, or lie to you must also be at the top of your list. Being kind comes to mind. I have seen people who cover their office with ‘Be Kind’ memos; and yet, in life, they are not kind. The point? It’s not just talking the authentic points; it’s living them every day, every minute, every encounter. Following your inner compass, following your Divine Inner Self, means you are in touch with your values and you are feeling physically and mentally at peace. Peace is the reward for living authentically.
Warning: Authentic people do not look to others for approval or how best to react and be liked and accepted. Authentic people do not surrender to society telling you what you should or shouldn’t do or say (or feel).
How to become a more authentic person:
Too often we have a choice; that is, to be true to our family or peer group and adapt to what they want and need from us – or, be in touch with our inner truth, established from learning what makes us feel right and wrong – and living the consequences. As long as we speak and react with honesty, we are maintaining our mental and emotional well-being. In his book, Dancing with Life, Phillip Moffitt makes the case for authenticity:
• Knowing the truth.• Finding freedom.• Not causing harm to yourself or others.• Being of service to others.• Meeting the world with compassion and kindness.• Having the qualities of gratitude.• Patience.• Persistence.• Generosity.• Curiosity.• Humor. (I bless everyone who gets my sense of humor.)• Continuing to learn and grow psychologically and spiritually.
As an aside, I must add a quote from Moffitt’s book: Beware of measuring yourself against ideas of perfection.
What does it mean to be truly authentic?
As I sit quietly, and think constructively about what I have said and done during the day, I help myself understand when I have been authentic. I build upon the positives. The more time I put into learning about what I say and do that is congruent with my values and personality, the easier it is for me to be at peace.
To be authentic, be aware of your boundaries:
Elliott Treves does a brilliant course on Insight Timer dealing thoroughly with boundaries. It is available to be printed.
We set boundaries. Yes. The challenge is … under pressure, do we sacrifice what we have determined is best for our well-being?
I will not lend money, it changes a relationship. “But, if you do not lend me rent money, I will be forced to … ”
I will not visit with anyone who is disrespectful to me. “But sweetheart, if we don’t visit my mother for Christmas, what will she think of us?”
I will finish my Doctorate so I can open my own office and make a difference in people’s lives. “But you could keep your job, we could buy a home in the country … you’re being selfish.”
Be aware of your boundaries. Journal about your boundaries; you may need to see your boundaries in black-and-white to hold on to them. Holding on to them feeds authenticity. Feeding authenticity is the pathway to your Divine Inner Self.
Part 2: Letting go of the Mask
When I was five years old, I realized I was different from my brothers. They liked to play ball; I liked to play with fabric. I learned it was a hard world and taught myself to hide behind masks in order to fit in. Even with masks, I didn’t fit in. So, eventually, I said: Hello world, here I am. Jerry Herman said it best in La Cage Aux Folle: I gotta be me. Whatever I may say, the masks are truly never far away. As a gay man, you learn each time you walk into a room, you have to start all over again. Straight people, generally speaking, think they live in a straight world. A new group? You gotta introduce yourself as someone who is not straight. Oh, really, my cousin is gay.
Today, at the age of eighty-five, I think I can say with honesty, that all of my masks are in the closet. I am who I am, get used to it.
I’m thinking of the Vatican Museum in Vatican City. Rows upon rows of naked marble men with fig leaves. Just as the fig leaves do not hide the fact that men have genitals and priests, too many of them, want to fondle young genitals, similarly, a mask may hide who you really are temporarily, but the world knows the truth – if not this minute – certainly time reveals all.
The true answer to removing a mask, I have been taught, is to fill your life with family and friends who honor and appreciate what you offer. Invest in people who get you. If you love and respect yourself, good people will find you.
Part 3: Unlocking and Staying in Touch With Your Divine Inner Self
Why bother? We bother because the Divine Inner Self is the miracle that allows us to navigate the journey of self-discovery and personal growth. The more self-discovery, the more personal growth the closer we get to living the authentic life every day – all day.
When you allow your Divine Inner Self to rule, it means you have let go of what you have been taught about pleasing other people; it means you are in touch with your true self; that is, you have come to a point in your life where you are acting and reacting to life with the personal standards that feel right to you. None of us can avoid the influence of childhood influences; however tightly the Inner Child holds on to what it has learned and watched, there is a discernment between what we are told is true and what life has taught us is true. As we evolve, our true self is allowed to shine through.
The Divine Self is rooted in self-love. Can you love yourself? If asked the question, Who comes first in your life? Can you say, I do? I have found saying ‘I do!’ is one of life’s greatest challenges. I spent a lifetime making sure others are emotionally secure. I’ve been a good listener. No more. I still listen with love and respond with love, but I have learned that I matter. I have allowed myself to honor and accept myself unconditionally. I no longer allow others to define me. Look around. Pay attention. Note how often people tell you who they think you are. When they do, if you question yourself, hold on to your Divine Inner Self. Say, self … let’s review who I am. I am thoughtful. I am kind. I am consistent. I matter. This other person has a problem with me. Well, it’s his/her problem. I will not make it my problem. Hug your Divine Inner Self. It makes a difference.
Ways to unlock Your Divine Inner Self:
Meditation: I have found meditating daily helps me connect with my inner self. It allows me to get quiet and hear the voices that want to tell me right from wrong. If I want to know whether I should or shouldn’t write that letter, I meditate. I listen for my inner voice. It will tell me to be kind. Write the letter, but be kind. Confront the doctor, but be kind. I work with the InsightTimer app every day.
Mindfulness: Again, it’s all about getting quiet. If the mind is quiet, if the body is at peace, mindfulness allows you to become more aware of your thoughts and feelings. When you sleep and dream, your unconscious is trying to make sense of life’s nonsense. If you practice mindfulness, you will be told the answers to life’s challenges.
Emotional Healing: Think blockages. Life happens. Trauma. Either through journaling or finding a good therapist, it is important that you free yourself from blockages; that is, letting go of life’s drama that in the past has defined you. Define yourself as you really are. Define yourself by looking closely at the person you are today. Note how much of your self-reference is based on past events, past interpretations of you in ancient settings. Let go. See yourself clearly. Sit with people who you know love and appreciate you. Listen and take in what they say about you. Allow the Divine Inner Self to hear the positives. It will change your outlook. It will change how you experience life. It will change how people experience you.
Creative Expression: I write. I started by writing short plays. I wrote short stories. And now, I write novels. Along the way, I found my voice. I discovered I had something to say, something about life I wanted to share. The more in touch I became with my Divine Inner Self, the more truth appeared in my words. Whether your form of expression is music or knitting or cooking, find yourself. Give yourself permission to see and experience your true self.
Edited by Kim Campbell