photo @wayne.marcus
Negativity Bias
An Essay by Dr. Irwin Jay Asher
We tend to be impacted much more by negative events than by positive ones
- Present Events It’s Christmas. Your family is getting together at your parents’ home. Your mother has prepared your old bedroom; you’re pleased she has finally gotten rid of your high school trophies. Yes, it looks like an adult’s room, “Thanks, mom.” You move into the kitchen and find she has prepared all of your favorite holiday dishes – even cooked a goose! Your dad notices your weight loss and tells you how good you look. Your brother shakes your hand, and says, “Congrats on your promotion.” You’re smiling. You are into the holiday spirit. Your sister walks in with her husband and three daughters, and says, “Thanks for coming without your fag husband.”
- What do you ruminate about in the hours, days and months ahead? The goose? The grown-up bedroom? The fact that your father and brother acknowledged all the good stuff going on in your life – or – the one negative: The Sister?
- Twelve thousand years ago, when hunter-gatherers planted and harvested food and domesticate animals, the survival message of fight or flight remained in the brain. That is, kill or be killed. Around every corner is a possibility of death. There has not been enough time for the brain to let go and send messages of safety. Yes, despite humans one-hundred million humans being killed by other humans in the twentieth century, we are safe from lions and tigers.
- As my Christmas story states above, we are all still programmed for negativity. The negativity bias is a cognitive bias that results in adverse events having a more significant impact on our psychological and emotional state than positive events. The heart and body are deeply affected by this dwelling in a state of negativity. The shock is that even if our day has had an equal amount of joy and sorrow, it is the sorrow that takes over our rumination. How do we teach ourselves to live with positivity? How do we mark the moment we choose to be negative? And change our thoughts to Positivity?
- Future Events
- If you have a dental extraction scheduled for next week, and a birthday celebration planned for the following day, the negative dental appointment is perceived to be increasingly more negative than the positive. The birthday celebration fades as the negative thoughts take over the mind. The closer you get to the dental appointment, the negativity increases. Not true for the birthday party. The positive does not increase at the same energetic level.
- The negative thinking is more inventive and elaborate than the positive thinking. Also, we seem to have more visions of “future negative situations,” more words: We can talk for hours about what will probably happen to set you back, and little energy to plan and plot and react to the positivity that may come from a future event. Pay attention when you speak; listen to your vocabulary when you’re describing something upcoming that you perceive as negative.
- Listen to the stream of negative remembrances when your best friend invites you to lunch because he plans to leave his wife. Dare to ask him what did work in the marriage over the years. Note the difference in levels of storytelling.
- I had a client who met a woman at a strip club. She promised him 24-hour sex. He left his wife and sons and married the sex object. They came into therapy because she would not turn on the sex machine until he adopted her infant son. I can still hear his stream of negativity. He was so angry I never got to add my thoughts. As a couples’ counselor, it was extremely difficult for me to get men and women to relate the positives that had happened over the years. It seemed as if if they said anything good about the marriage, it would weaken their resolve to be righteous.
- Past
- Here’s where lots of our energy goes – into the past. We are reliving what we did wrong. Reliving what wrong was done to us. You go on a cruise, it was perfect. You rested; you enjoyed the food; you enjoyed the sights. How long will that positive energy last as opposed to the anger and frustration that your home flooded while you were away?
- Decision-making
- My fraternity brother, Carl, suggested he and I go into business together. All kinds of fears came up for me. I dwelled on the finances – would I be able to support myself? I asked myself if I was sufficiently talented; Carl wanted to import a line of men’s sportswear. Fear is all I encountered. Although I tried, I couldn’t maintain the idea of independence – being my own boss; making profits that would go into my pocket rather than the company I worked for. Being able to come and go as owner of my own company. Because I had never experienced such freedoms, I couldn’t hold on to the positives.
- I opened my own office when I graduated from the University of Houston. Finally, I lived the positives. I understood the freedoms that were now mine. I couldn’t go back and talk to the younger Jay Asher, but I could certainly appreciate what I had accomplished.
- Inner Child
- The inner child holds all the messages that tell us who we are and who we are not. The inner child reminds us what our capabilities are and are not. When Carl presented his idea of going into business together, my Inner Child screamed, yelled and reminded me of what my second grade teacher said.
- It was 1947, and the IQ test had a power we don’t understand today. I was born a dreamer and would never do well on an IQ test because it was difficult for me to focus. If there were an IQ test for dreaming and ideas, I would have been labeled a star. Our teacher put us in a circle and stood before each of us, judging us based on our score.
- To me, she said, “You did poorly. You won’t amount to much. Today, if a child reported such a comment to his parents, the parents would have the teacher fired. In 1947, teachers and doctors were gods. My point: check with your Inner Child. What are the messages? Are the messages positive? Are the messages negative? Which messages have the greater power over you? Answering these two questions could change the energy of your life’s journey.
- Younger vs Older
- Although recent research indicates older men and women can find the positives of life, I am skeptical because older people must face illness or fear of potential illness based, on family history. Also, from my own experience, there is death all around. People you played tennis with are no longer here. People who lived next door are now in a nursing home. These negatives have an impact on one’s attitude. But, the research is says older adults have learned some of the secrets of living happily ever after. I believe, if you surround yourself with positive thinkers, it is easier to maintain a positive outlook. Perhaps that is the benefit of age: we learn who to invest in and who to run from. I also believe age has taught us to let go. Two big words in the English language: Let go. That is, when people no longer fit in your life, let go. When family members are a drag on your well-being, let go. When doctors are burnt out and become a negative presence in your life, let go. If you’ve gained weight and cannot take off those extra pounds, let go. Be grateful for what your body does for you every minute of every day.
- For younger people, if they are life smart, it would be positive if their children are healthy. Period. If their relationship is working. If they can pay their bills and save for retirement. I have watched the power of negativity in younger people. “Why can’t I have a Mercedes like my brother? Why can’t I have a big house like my sister?” Why? Why? Why? ‘Why’ is living in negative territory. Love yourself. Get out, and move into positive territory.
- News Coverage
- More and more people are telling me that they no longer listen to the news. “The news is too negative. It pulls me down.” Consequences! If you listen to the news, are you upbeat, or … ? Ask yourself: How much of the news can I listen to before it impacts me negatively? If someone calls while you’re listening to the news, are you the person you want to present to the world? Balance. That’s a good word for this moment: Balance. How much can you process before it internalizes negatively?
- Friends and Family
- This is a big one. Talk about letting go. When do you let go without regret? Can you let go without negative rumination? Can you say? ... That friendship is no longer working for me. It no longer feels right or comfortable. I honor the joys and memories we share, but, the friendship no longer works for me. Relatives are a challenge. Suddenly, your attention to meditation or therapy kicks in. You realize a relative stands for all that was negative in you. You share mothers, fathers, aunts and uncles, cousins even, but, it all represents negative family history. In my own life, I have had close, loving and respectful relationships with my brother and my cousins. They married a man or a woman who are negative, even hateful. Life is all about their family. I learned to let go and love myself, and my journey.
- How to overcome Negativity Bias
- Manage self talk. By consciously directing more of our attention on positive events and feelings we experience, we can grow out of the comfort zone of negative self talk. Practice. Practice. Practice. It’s not going to be an instant success. However, any win is a beginning. Build on one win till you succeed a second time. Dwell on your successes. Monitor how it feels to be positive. Note how much better positivity feels in the body. Replicate. Replicate. Replicate.
- Stop! Stop throughout your day. Check where your thoughts are: in positive or negative territory? If in positive, celebrate; if in negative, ask yourself if you can redefine the moment that has caused a negative response.
- A life event happens. It triggers a response. There’s a second before you decide what to say or do. Teach yourself to note that second, that pause. Use it to make a decision you will be content with. Journal. Yes, journal your history of negative responses. I remember, years ago, when I wanted to buy a co-op in New York City. I would make a list of pros and a list of cons. Do the same here. Make a list of reactions you are proud of. Reactions that didn’t leave resentment. And then, make a list of your successes. Successes that left clarity and affection.
- Mindfulness
- Don’t laugh. Being in the moment, breathing deeply, being aware of your breath will center you. Only when you are centered can you be aware of the negativity bias. Feelings and thoughts can be observed more objectively. Do not underestimate mindful breathing. It stops you. It allows you to think clearly. I strongly recommend the Insight Timer app. It’s easy to follow teachers who help you learn to control your emotions. I am a work in progress. Insight Timer has helped me get from A to B. Now, I’m learning to get from B to C.
- Rethink how you think
- Reframing is a word I’ve come to respect. If you find yourself in a negative situation or reacting negatively to a life event, practice cognitive restructuring by reframing. That is, apply a more objective point of view. Too often our ego gets in the way of objectivity, which is why you may want to consider therapy with a therapist trained in Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy.
- Enjoy the positive moments, don’t take the joy of life for granted
- At the end of each day, if you mark the joys that have happened, if you mark the pleasant people you have spent time with, if you mark the wonderful food, if you mark the sights and sounds that put a smile in your heart – watch how negative bias collapses into positivity. Yes, savor the positive moments of the day; take no joy for granted. Watch how you build up your history of positive mental images and good feelings that are the pathway to fighting the imbalance of negativity bias.
- On Insight Timer, Fleur Chambers, presents a tool I should like to paraphrase here. She talks about two arrows. The first arrow represents a hurt; someone said something you read as insensitive, for example. The second arrow represents the rumination after the first arrow. Her point is that we spend so much time with the second arrow. The second arrow is emotionally and physically destructive. The first arrow may last less than a minute; the second arrow could consume hours and hours of negative thinking over days, weeks, yes, even years. I now have two arrows in my consciousness.
This essay was edited by Kim Campbell