photo @wayne.marcus

THE END

OF

SUFFERING

An Essay by Dr. Irwin Jay Asher

Out of suffering have emergedthe strongest souls; the mostmassive characters are seared with scars.

Khalil Gibran

I am seared with scars. We are all seared with scars. It’s not necessarily a victim thing. It is a life thing. We want situations and people to be different than they actually are. We want to be there and wonder why we’re still here. We suffer because we have been good to our brother, and he’s still rude; he refuses to release childhood angers. My sister and I were close, really close, but today, today her husband objects to our closeness and has pulled her out of my life. We know what’s right, but must live with wrong – so to speak. If we don’t acknowledge the reality of now, if we don’t forgive, we suffer. 
Forgiveness, letting go of past hurts, is an important component of healing from suffering. Think about those family members of friends you do not forgive. Write their names in your journal. Then, take a separate page for each name on your list. Write all you can about the past hurt and your inability to forgive. Challenge yourself to add a paragraph: What would it take for me to forgive this person? Look at your responses. Study your responses. Work at a resolution for each of these people. Take a step. You don’t have to confront the person. The person does not have to know you are in the process of forgiving. This exercise is about you. You want to let go of all negativity in order to be in the moment; at peace in this and every moment.

We can’t change our brother; only he can decide to change. We can’t change our sister; only she can decide to change. But, we can change ourselves. We can forgive. We can. We must. We suffer if we’re waiting for anyone to change. How to begin the process of learning to be a healthy Self? 

I started with journaling. I wrote and wrote until I could see ALL of my feelings in front of me. I understood what I wanted. I realized I would not get what I wanted. I had to change my wants. And I did. I found freedom.

My journey to Enlightenment started fifteen years ago. (I have not reached Nirvana; I am still learning.) A woman, a neighbor and I had been friendly. She was easy to talk to. It was a joy at first to be listened to since my work as a family therapist meant I did a lot of listening. And then something happened. The woman, the friendly, warm neighbor became hateful. Hateful is such a strong word; forgive me for using it here; but the word, regrettably, is appropriate. There was no misunderstanding that I’m aware of. I thought perhaps I had said something inappropriate – or, disappointed her in some way. No!

I wrote in my journal what was happening. She knocked on my door at 10 PM to wake me up. She had the man she shares her life with knock on my door at 1 AM. She had her best girlfriend knock on my bedroom wall in the middle of the night. I was slow to put the pieces together. I suffered. 

I had been brought up in a household of love. My father’s message to me: Make a difference. And I have, indeed, spent my life making a difference. In the beginning, as I said, fifteen years ago, I thought my charm would win her back as a “friend”. The harder I worked to smile, the more ways she found to be hateful. My car’s back bumper was scratched down to the raw metal. She slashed my tire. She keyed my car. She walked her dog whenever I left home so she could stare my down when I returned. Her joy of watching me suffer seemed to bring her contentment. I had to educate myself. Although I have a Master’s and Doctorate in counseling, there was no time spent on sociopaths or psychopaths. Like a first-year graduate student, I had to learn the depths of a psychopath on my own – after retirement.

My research brought me to: This is insanity (literally). I need help. So … I found a therapist; a therapist seeking a therapist. It worked. I found the right psychologist. He opened a window in my mind. He asked me to research sociopaths, narcissists and psychopaths. I read:

Psychopath Free by Jackson MacKenzie

I learned I was not dealing with a sociopath, but with a psychopath. A psychopath is born broken. Childhood abuses add to the brokenness, and we end up with an adult who wakes up every morning wanting to do harm.

When the Body Says NO: Exploring the Stress-Disease connection by Gabor Mate, M.D.

Do not underestimate when you are in the sights of a sociopath or a narcissist or a psychopath, how much physical damage they can inflict with their need to be hateful.

The Mask of Insanity by Hervey Cleckley, M.D.

Cleckley, a world-renowned researcher, stated that psychopaths cannot necessarily be identified because their mask is one of charm and deceit.
Beyond Victim Consciousness by Lynne Forrest
Forrest states that Victim Consciousness is a worldwide epidemic. She is asking us to grasp the idea that it is our thinking that is the cause of our unhappiness. If we change our thinking (expectations), we can free ourselves from what she calls:  Victim Consciousness.
A Nation of Victims: The Decay of the American Character by Charles Sykes

I have learned that the narcissist, the sociopath and the psychopath see themselves as victims. They cannot and do not take responsibility. If a narcissist, sociopath or a psychopath has made you feel like the victim, take another look at your situation. You are the victim only if you allow yourself to think as “the bad guy” wants you to think. As I look back on my years of harassment, it is clear – now – that the game was to make me feel the victim. My tee shirt reads: Victim No More!

As we speak, I am reading Dancing with Life: Buddhist insights for finding meaning and joy in the face of suffering by Phillip Moffitt.

Moffitt’s book, on its own, is a graduate course in identifying suffering, the cause, the effect and the way out – freedom.

There is an oft-repeated Buddhist teaching I should like to share. It is this teaching that helped me find my way back to sanity; that lead me back to my life’s path; 

The protagonist sends, in the Buddhist’s words, an arrow. The arrow stings. You are aware you have been attacked. Will there be a second arrow? That is, will you respond? If you do respond, that is, if you offer a second arrow, the drama continues. Then the third arrow stings again. And again you have a choice. Do I respond? Do I let it go? I have walked both paths. I have fought back, sent the second arrow and found that I had become like the psychopath. I woke up and fell asleep wanting to do harm. The second arrow never worked; it brought me additional distress.

Urgent message: The psychopath is not here to learn from you. So, of course, I received the third arrow. Then I stopped. I stopped planning revenge. I smiled, even laughed when a new first arrow appeared. I said to myself, “Honeybunch, this is your problem; I will not make it my problem by responding; no second arrow. It’s working. I find myself focused on my writing, my family and my friends. I am no longer focused on revenge. I am myself again. When the psychopath puts herself in front of me, I no longer see her. I no longer see someone I want to win over. I see a woman with a life problem; a woman who is damaged and should be pitied. So, I smile and send love.
The additional lesson I had to learn deals with Flying Monkeys. This was a revelation. Think about the movie The Wizard of Oz. The Wicked Witch of the West. She sent out Flying Monkeys to enhance her dastardly deeds. Our psychopath, using her uber-charm, convinces innocents that if they want her love and affection (attention), they must help her destroy her prey. You find yourself having to apply the one-arrow theory to multiple players. It’s a challenge. But, if you meet the challenge, you can hold on to your sanity. You can end the suffering.
If you have downloaded the Insight Timer app, I would strongly recommend listening to Hugh Byrne’s 6-day course KEYS TO THE BUDDHA’S CENTRAL TEACHINGS. And, at the very same time, listen to Moira Hutchison’s 10-day course UNLOCK THE POWER OF FORGIVENESS. They opened a window in my mind. They offer the tools for recovery.

Suffering is necessary until you realize it is unnecessary

•	We all experience SufferingIdentifying Dukka, the Buddhist word for suffering or discontent or unsatisfactoriness  is where the letting-go process begins. If any of the following words ring a bell in your heart, you have experienced Dukka: Unsettledness, Irritation, Impatience, Annoyance, Frustration, Disappointment, Dissatisfaction, Aggravation, Tension, Stress, Anxiety, Vexation, Pain, Suffering, Misery, Agony, Anguish. Journal!
•	Clinging: Holding on to a “want” and not letting goWe want something so badly, we cling to our wish so tightly, that we suffer. I want a bigger car. I want a job that stretches my talents. I want a marriage that is free of anger. If we can’t make it happen sooner rather than later, we suffer. In my case, I wanted my neighbors to be kind and respectful. It was a fool’s errand. My neighbors are who they are. Get used to it. Again, they won’t change; I learned to change and thrive.
•	Mindfulness is the only path to understanding“Mindfulness is a type of meditation in which you focus on being intensely aware of what you’re sensing and feeling in the moment, without interpretation or judgment. Practicing mindfulness involves breathing methods, guided imagery, and other practices to relax the body and mind and help reduce stress.” Not until your body and mind are relaxed and you have created inner peace can you find your way out of your particular suffering. Expose yourself to books and talks that deal with the end of suffering. During a state of mindfulness, the answer, the solution, the step forward will come to you.
The words Oscar Hammerstein II wrote to Richard Rogers’ music has impacted me since childhood. Every day of my youth I repeated the words of Bloody Mary in South Pacific: If you don’t have a dream, how you gonna have a dream come true? The words inspired me to dream.

Here, I should like to paraphrase Oscar Hammerstein II words to You’ll Never Walk Alone.

When you walk through a storm
Yes, when you encounter a narcissist, sociopath or psychopath, you are indeed walking through a storm. Do not underestimate the power of the storm. Do not … at your own peril.

Hold your head up high

The best advice. Know thyself. Don’t let other’s tell you who you are. Hold your head up high because you know you’re a good person doing his/her best. 

And don’t be afraid of the dark
Fear is what they want you to experience 24/7. Don’t go there. If, because of the terror you are enduring, you feel you are beginning to live in the dark, STOP, THINK, FIND HELP.

At the end of the storm

And there will be an end. The problem: the end won’t be handed to you. It requires work on your part. Find the book that enlightens you. Find the therapist who has an understanding of surviving the terrors of a psychopath. End the suffering.

There’s a golden sky

You will see the sun once again; the sun in your heart and the sun in the heart of those who love and appreciate you. That is your goal: to get through the tunnel of suffering, and come out wiser.

And the sweet silver song of a lark

I read this as – once again allowing yourself to hear the voices in your heart that say you are okay. I read this as – allowing yourself to hear the voices of praise of those who love and understand you. Moira Hutchison says to create a folder of notes people have written to you, praising you. When you feel attacked, look through the folder and remember who you are.

Walk on, through the windWalk on, through the rainThough your dreams be tossed and blownWalk on, walk on, with hope in your heartAnd you’ll never walk aloneYou’ll never walk alone

My mantra: Be with life as it is. You can only change yourself. 
Change yourself and watch the world around you change.

Edited by Kim Campbell

THE END OF SUFFERING