photo @wayne.marcus
Where are you living? Past? Present? future?
An Essay by Dr. Irwin Jay Asher
Life is only available in the here and now.The past is already gone, and the future is yet to come …there is only one place for me to live…The present moment.
Thich Nhat Hanh
I am an authority on living in the past. I have wanted, for decades, to right wrongs of years long gone, to replay scenes at work and at home whereby I am able to apply today’s wisdom. That has been my unresolved conundrum: how do I remake my yesterdays?
I am still searching for answers. Why didn’t I find the $75 to hear Ethel Merman and Mary Martin in concert? Why did I spend $75 to hear Willie Nelson in Carnegie Hall? He was without inspiration. When I finally asked my boss for a raise, why wasn’t I prepared for predictable pushback? When I told my father he had two weeks to live, why did I leave? Why did I sell my two bedroom/two bath apartment in New York City? My list, like your list, is long. However many decades I have ruminated over what I should have done, and should have said, I’ve not been able to change any of my history. Have you succeeded?
The future? My future? I have had so many futures. In the future, as a young man, I wanted to go to school in Milan to learn to be a set designer. No one told me I had to speak Italian to attend. I wanted to go to FIT (Fashion Institute of Technology) and be a famous dress designer. I wanted to be Bob Mackie before there was a Bob Mackie. I wanted to live in a foreign country; become a Renaissance Man. Today, I want a Hollywood studio to produce my novels and turn them into super-successful TV series. I do the future well; practice makes perfect.
My challenge, late in life, is to learn to live in the moment. Wise men and women look at the trees as they walk; they take a moment to look at the details of a painting; like Tilda Swinton in the movie I Am Love, take a moment to taste the shrimp. It sounds so easy when people say to you, as you’re rushing to get from A to B: Slow down, smell the roses. I have undertaken many challenges in my life: taking on the fashion business without any background; getting to Orinopolus in Greece; starting graduate school at the age of fifty-two; opening my own family counseling practice at the age of fifty-seven. As Elaine Stritch sang Stelphen Sondheim’s words: “I wrote my memoir, and I’m still here.” And I’m still here learning to be in the moment. The only place to be in this moment.
The future? My future? I have had so many futures. In the future, as a young man, I wanted to go to school in Milan to learn to be a set designer. No one told me I had to speak Italian to attend. I wanted to go to FIT (Fashion Institute of Technology) and be a famous dress designer. I wanted to be Bob Mackie before there was a Bob Mackie. I wanted to live in a foreign country; become a Renaissance Man. Today, I want a Hollywood studio to produce my novels and turn them into super-successful TV series. I do the future well; practice makes perfect.
My challenge, late in life, is to learn to live in the moment. Wise men and women look at the trees as they walk; they take a moment to look at the details of a painting; like Tilda Swinton in the movie I Am Love, take a moment to taste the shrimp. It sounds so easy when people say to you, as you’re rushing to get from A to B: Slow down, smell the roses. I have undertaken many challenges in my life: taking on the fashion business without any background; getting to Orinopolus in Greece; starting graduate school at the age of fifty-two; opening my own family counseling practice at the age of fifty-seven. As Elaine Stritch sang Stelphen Sondheim’s words: “I wrote my memoir, and I’m still here.” And I’m still here learning to be in the moment. The only place to be in this moment.
The Past
You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your armstoo full to embrace the present
Jan Glidewell
When couples came in to work with me, on occasion, I would ask: Are you living in the past? That is, you’ve been living together for twenty years, you have two children together, is it really a surprise that at moments you have said the wrong thing or that you’ve made decisions you would not make today? Forgiveness goes a long way. Not only forgiving the person you are sharing your life with, but also forgiving yourself.
I remember one couple who had a list. Yes, both the husband and wife had a list. They would go item by item waiting for a proper apology. It seemed to me they did not truly want resolution. They wanted to complain. They wanted the world to understand that they are suffering. I am right and you are wrong. Because they lived in the past, and could not partake in the present, their children floundered. Their adult children helped them to create new lists of blame. “Mom, if you had only … ” “Dad, if you had only … ” Whatever it takes, it seems, to not live in and enjoy the present moment.
coolguides asks: Where Are You Living? … The Past?
Guilt, shame, and regret. Feeling sad or depressed.Dwelling on what happened.Replaying events or conversations.Over analyzing.
There’s a song, Letting Go Is So Very Hard to Do. What would inspire a songwriter to write and sing about letting go of one’s past? Perhaps, because the past has taken so much space in one’s day-to-day life that writing about it, and singing about it, can be a way of letting go and moving on, moving towards living in the moment. The past is a prison. You may be imprisoned by the past.
Group counseling was a comfortable fit for me. I studied group counseling in graduate school, worked with youth in group settings and taught group counseling at Barry University in North Miami. I learned, as a facilitator, that guilt, shame and regret can be, for some people, a way of life. They ruminate what they should have said, should not have done. They suffer shame because they have disappointed someone in their past. Or, disappointed themselves. They choose to make it a life sentence. I’m thinking of nineteenth century doctors who fought to have windows opened for their patients. Fresh air, please. I say the same here. Open a window in your mind; let fresh air in. If your feet are in cement and you are at the bottom of a river, cut loose. There is a dark cloud above people living in the past. They will not smile. They add every daily injustice to their childhood burden of rejection. The world misunderstands them. No one appreciates them. They lean forward as they walk because of the burden they carry on their backs. Let go. Let go. Let go of the past. Give yourself permission to see yourself whole and loveable – in the present. We’re all guilty of dwelling on what happened. Can’t undo what’s been said or done. Use what’s happened as a learning lesson. See yourself as smarter today than yesterday. Think positive. Turn every concern into a positive. Positive takes you a lot further in life than negative. Ruminating: Replaying events or conversations. If you’re talking to yourself and each sentence starts with “I should have…”, you gotta move on. Set boundaries. If you find yourself ruminating; stop. Write in your journal and decide what to say or do the next time you’re in a similar situation; seeing your thoughts in black and white will help you move on. I dare to suggest something that has worked for me. I have, in the past, hand-written what has happened that has upset me. I was unable to let go. So, I took what I have written and burned it. Fire has power. OMG! Overanalyzing. Everyone who has taken an undergraduate course in Psychology is a victim of overanalyzing. We read a bit of Freud or listen to the tapes of Wayne Dyer – and – puff, we’re authorities. We can analyze and overanalyze – for oneself, family and friends. Burn your faux degree in Psychology. Liberate yourself. It’s so simple: Live in the moment, and live what makes you happy.
Group counseling was a comfortable fit for me. I studied group counseling in graduate school, worked with youth in group settings and taught group counseling at Barry University in North Miami. I learned, as a facilitator, that guilt, shame and regret can be, for some people, a way of life. They ruminate what they should have said, should not have done. They suffer shame because they have disappointed someone in their past. Or, disappointed themselves. They choose to make it a life sentence. I’m thinking of nineteenth century doctors who fought to have windows opened for their patients. Fresh air, please. I say the same here. Open a window in your mind; let fresh air in. If your feet are in cement and you are at the bottom of a river, cut loose. There is a dark cloud above people living in the past. They will not smile. They add every daily injustice to their childhood burden of rejection. The world misunderstands them. No one appreciates them. They lean forward as they walk because of the burden they carry on their backs. Let go. Let go. Let go of the past. Give yourself permission to see yourself whole and loveable – in the present. We’re all guilty of dwelling on what happened. Can’t undo what’s been said or done. Use what’s happened as a learning lesson. See yourself as smarter today than yesterday. Think positive. Turn every concern into a positive. Positive takes you a lot further in life than negative. Ruminating: Replaying events or conversations. If you’re talking to yourself and each sentence starts with “I should have…”, you gotta move on. Set boundaries. If you find yourself ruminating; stop. Write in your journal and decide what to say or do the next time you’re in a similar situation; seeing your thoughts in black and white will help you move on. I dare to suggest something that has worked for me. I have, in the past, hand-written what has happened that has upset me. I was unable to let go. So, I took what I have written and burned it. Fire has power. OMG! Overanalyzing. Everyone who has taken an undergraduate course in Psychology is a victim of overanalyzing. We read a bit of Freud or listen to the tapes of Wayne Dyer – and – puff, we’re authorities. We can analyze and overanalyze – for oneself, family and friends. Burn your faux degree in Psychology. Liberate yourself. It’s so simple: Live in the moment, and live what makes you happy.
Don’t let yesterday use up too much of today.
Will Rogers
However! Reminiscing about the past allows us to recall good memories. We want to learn from the past; the past could be our very best teacher. And, feeling grateful for what we have experienced and endured can give us strength for today’s challenges.
The Future
I got the blues thinking of the future, so I left off and made some marmalade.It’s amazing how it cheers one up to shred oranges and scrub the floor.
D.H. Lawrence
Not thinking about the future is my challenge. I always wanted a bigger today, which led me to dream about the future. The future will make my dreams come true. I missed being in the moment.
coolguides asks: Where are you living? … The Future?
Fear of the unknownWorrying about what could happenOverthinking ‘what if’ scenariosThinking worst-case scenarios
I had a friend, a young woman, who had saved for years to spend six months traveling around Europe. Her first stop: London. Thirty five years later, she’s still in London. Fear of the unknown kept her paralyzed and in London.
When I was twenty-eight years old, I moved to Philadelphia. A new job. I dreamt of owning my own home. Beautiful town homes were being built around me. I walked by what I wanted every day. I worried about what would happen if something went wrong; I was not born handy. Worrying about the unknown kept me from fulfilling the American dream.
Over the years, family and friends have had physical symptoms. They went through a variety of tests; each person had his/her own story. I watched as their imaginations took over. They suffered what might be. Some ended up with reasons to be concerned. Many did not.
Overthinking is the killer. We put our minds and bodies through ‘what ifs.’ The ‘what ifs’ eat away at our bodies and minds. We suffer. The suffering adds to the reality. Reality +.
Since reading Healing the Child Within: Discovery and Recovery for Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families by Charles Whitfield, I have learned that many of us carry with us our parents’ thinking of the worst case scenario. Perhaps I’m reaching too far when I suggest that parents who were immigrants pass on their fear of a new country, a new language and particularly – new customs.
The future can also add excitement to our present moment. Thinking about and planning a vacation can bring a smile to the heart. Planning a meal for our friends from out-of-town can indeed be a joy. This Saturday I’m shopping for my wedding dress; what joy.
The future can also add excitement to our present moment. Thinking about and planning a vacation can bring a smile to the heart. Planning a meal for our friends from out-of-town can indeed be a joy. This Saturday I’m shopping for my wedding dress; what joy.
The Present Moment
The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago.The second best time is now.
Chinese Proverb
The ability to be in the present moment is a major component of mental wellness.
Abraham Maslow
What is Mindfulness? Why is Mindfulness an important component of living in the moment?
“Mindfulness is a type of meditation in which you focus on being intensely aware of what you’re sensing and feeling in the moment, without interpretation or judgment.”
It is only when I started a daily routine of meditating, that is, breathing deeply and letting the body relax; focusing the brain on the present moment and forgiving myself when my mind wondered, that I was able to find the path to living in the present moment. To reduce stress and relax the body and mind, I chose guided imagery; that is, I found men and women who were enlightened and worked with them virtually.
I’d like to share a quote from Eckhart Tolle’s book, The Power of Now: If you are drawn to an enlightened teacher, it is because there is already enough presence in you to recognize presence in another. I found presence in Moira Hutchison, Hugh Byrne and Elliott Treves.
Mindfulness and Non-judgment
• Non-judgment. If non-judgment sounds easy, think again. Non-judgment does not only cover other people in your life, it also means you. It means the recognition of when we are judging ourselves (which is way too often) in addition to judging others. Are you aware when you are judging yourself or others? Awareness is where growth begins. Make a space in your journal. One page: Today I judged others ... The second page: Today I noted I judged myself when … Study the entries. Promise yourself that this awareness will help you do better. My goal is to live a life without judgment.
Mindfulness Benefits
coolguides: Clarity; Acceptance; Joy of Being; Understanding; Inner Peace; Gratitude.
What mindfulness has done for me:
• Improved cognitive ability• Slowed brain aging• Reduced stress, anxiety, and depression symptoms• Increased my sense of well-being• Helped with pain management
How I practice Mindfulness
I focus on my breath, paying attention to the inhalation and exhalation repeatedly. I slow down my breathing to intensify the experience. If I’m on line at the bank or the super market, and it’s taking an inordinate amount of time, I stop, I think of mindfulness – and I consciously breathe. My focus goes from anxiety to peace. First, I notice the rise and fall of my belly. The line is getting shorter! Then, I feel the breath moving in and out of my nostrils; cool air on the inhale, warm air on the exhale. My shoulders relax; my body is at peace. It’s my turn! I arrive at the cashier calm and collected.
As I master mindfulness, I have added: mindful eating; mindful walking; mindful driving; mindful relaxation. Yes, I have learned, thanks to my friend Marco Waarts, to apply mindfulness when relaxing. I purposely sit quietly for an hour in the morning (if I can) and slow the mind down. And, I plan my afternoons to include one hour of mindfulness. Result: Everything I do, every person with whom I interact, the feeling of joy, of quietness has improved the quality of my life.
Edited by Kim Campbell