.jpg)
photo @wayne.marcus
Who’s the Boss? Don’t let others define you, your life or your purpose An Essay by Dr. Irwin Jay Asher
When I attended New York University, School of Business and Finance (1958), a course in sales was required. All these decades later, I can still remember the professor marching into class. He said, how you enter a room speaks volumes about how you see yourself. He said, sell yourself from the beginning, before you even shake hands.
Although I was a fabric and garment designer in the fashion world for twenty-five years, I always insisted on making initial presentations to buyers. The salesman could never grasp what I had spent six months laboring over. Every time I entered a buyer’s office, I would think of my NYU professor and walk in with confidence. It worked every time. They trusted, from the beginning, what I told them about color trends and fashion styles for the season ahead.
At the age of fifty, I walked away from fashion. Never looked back. Enough was enough. I couldn’t get on another plane to Taipei to work a new line; I couldn’t get on another plane to Europe to figure out color trends. No more. People told me you don’t leave a VP job in New York City for an unknown. Unknown was the word. At fifty, where did this fashionista fit? No where. But, I believed in reinvention. I believed the universe would show me the way. I decided I was the boss of my destiny. I listened, but could not take the safe road.
I ended up in Houston, Texas. I joined Forty Plus, an organization that helps men and women over forty find work. You’d help your fellow traveler with resume writing, or play the director of personnel in a mock interview. I made friends. Management recognized me. Still not sure what they saw, but they asked me to facilitate a group of men and women who were having difficulty at home; that is, their spouses were not understanding why they weren’t employed. My first experience with group counseling. Men and women came in and talked. I responded; I sounded like I understood. Others in the group shared and responded. The group worked. And then (my life is filled with ‘and then’), a social worker affiliated with Forty Plus suggested I take a personality inventory test. I did.
The test came back stating that I was 97% artistic. No surprise. And, 94% social services. I asked, without shame, What is Social Services? A door opened.
At the very same moment as Forty Plus happened, I had joined a gay and lesbian business group. I felt I needed contacts. I met John Kellett, a retired Esso executive. John was on the board of First Unitarian Universalist Church in Houston. Because several straight members of the church asked to be enlightened about the gay and lesbian experience, John volunteered to set up ten Tuesday evenings. The second Tuesday meeting dealt with gay teenagers, A nineteen-year-old young man would talk about his life experiences. I asked John if I could attend. The congregation said yes. My life would never be the same.
After the young man spoke, I asked questions. He answered smartly. When the meeting ended, he came up to me and asked if I would attend his groups (3 young men, 3 young women) meeting on the following Friday night. I accepted the invitation. Sitting across from these young fresh faces, I asked more questions. I had fun. The next day, Trish Morgan, a member of the church and volunteer facilitator of the youth group, called. She said the youth asked that I stop by the next Friday. I did. At my second meeting, I volunteered to be co-facilitator of the group.
As I was trying to reinvent my life journey with Forty Plus, with the personality inventory results in the front of my mind, I suddenly found myself applying all of my business, marketing skills to the youth group. The Houston Chronicle sent a reporter to see what we were accomplishing. We made the front page. Youth found us. Within two years we had worked with six hundred youth. Adult men and women helped. Their lives, everyone’s lives were changed for the better. Love. Support.
And then the phone rang. HBO was working on a documentary, Why Am I Gay? They picked our youth group as one segment of their documentary. With this success, I applied to the University of Houston for a Master’s in psychotherapy. After all, I had spent my life listening to people; why not get trained and paid? Although there were limited spots in the program, the University said yes – because they felt I would use the training to make a difference – based on what I had accomplished with youth.
With my Master’s completed in two years, Texas allowed me to start working. I felt, at fifty-four, I did not know enough. I felt clients coming in to work with an older man would expect great insight. I decided to go for a Doctorate. I liked the idea of clients working with Dr. Asher. My Doctoral dissertation dealt with gay and lesbian adolescent suicide.
I trusted the universe and the universe came through for me. Because I was known in Houston as a counselor to gay and lesbian youth, I felt there was no financial future for me there. I moved to Fort Lauderdale to be near family. At fifty-seven, I opened my own office and found I had a gift. I enjoyed the challenge of working with couples. Juggling two childhoods, two points of view, two sets of anger and more – much more. It worked.
I did not allow people to define me. I took my time to reinvent myself. I checked my comfort zone along the way. Forty Plus felt right. The personality inventory results felt right. Going back to school in middle age felt right. Starting my own practice was my new beginning. Can you imagine anything more different than design in the fashion world and couples’ counseling?
I used the phrase “Who’s the boss?” often. I found certain clients so busy pleasing their spouse, or their parents, or their boss that they had no idea what they wanted from life. When I would ask, “Yes, but what do you want to do with your life?” The reaction, too often, was bewilderment. They had no answer. ‘What do I want’ was not part of their vocabulary. Shock. They would say in different ways, “You mean I have a vote on how I live my life?” YES!
Expectations Mothers have a set idea about her daughter’s life. Fathers knowing what their sons should be doing to make the parent shine.
I worked with a father and son who worked together. It was the father’s business. The son was an in-house tech guy. The son saved the day so many times. The father was never satisfied. It was such an angry, disappointing situation, I finally asked the father, “What is the problem?” He said his friends’ sons were medical doctors, investment bankers, etc. “My son is a tech guy. How disappointing.” Boo hoo. The son moved to the west coast, end of story.
I worked with a daughter whose mother wanted her to be a CPA. The mother was a bookkeeper and never made it to the top. Her daughter would make it to the top – no questions asked. The mother never looked at the child, so to speak, to see what her specific talents were. When the daughter looked up, she realized she was born to be creative. The mother never patted the daughter on the back and said well done. Eventually the daughter found her creative way, but not until divorcing her mother and finding freedom.
I worked with so many men and women who were burned out. Again, when I asked what is their passion?... they looked at me with bewilderment. They had never processed such a freedom concept.
Sit down with a pad and pencil and write about your passions. Make a list. Put a check mark next to each passion that is part of your life today. Do you see enough check marks to put a smile on your face? If not, ask friends and family, people you trust, to tell you how they see you. Find a therapist. Talk. You’ll be surprised at what you hear. There’s a wonderful line sung by Bloody Mary in Rogers and Hammerstein’s South Pacific: If you don’t have a dream, how you gonna have a dream come true?” I heard that song when I was ten years old. It has been my mantra ever since. Allow yourself to dream. Use all your energy to make your dreams come true.
PossibilitiesEndless possibilities. Think about the messages in your head. How many of those messages say, “You can do it.” How many messages in your head set boundaries? “You can’t do that. Remember, when you were a child, you tried and failed. Everyone in the family laughed at your efforts. Be honest. Talk to your inner child. Discover your inner child.. He or she holds the key to your future successes and happiness. Trust me. (For decades, I have been saying, Never trust a man who says trust me. Make an exception here).
Like me, get yourself tested if you’re not sure of your potential. Think about turning your hobby into a profession.
BoundariesAsk yourself if somewhere along your life’s journey someone has instilled boundaries. That is, you can’t do that, it’s for boys. You can’t succeed doing that, it’s for girls. I was on vacation in southwest England and took a tour of the cliffs. On the tour was a man who was friendly and really got into the rock climbing. We spoke at the end of the tour. He said he was a nurse and didn’t like talking about it. Nursing is for women, he said. Really? What pain he put himself through. Is that you? Be sure you’re not stuck in this male thing, female thing. Have the last laugh: think outside the box. When I worked in Mumbai, India, staying at the Taj Hotel, I would have breakfast with a young American man who designed socks. He told me he had met an Australian man with whom he was in love. Because the USA made it impossible for his boyfriend to move to the states, he decided to upend his life and move to Australia, which was friendly to gay couples. He did it, and lived happily ever after. I wondered then, as I wonder now, what internal messages this young man owned that said, Go for it. You can do this and succeed all over again. Check. Check your inner messages. Do your messages say: You’re a star? You can do this? ‘Can’ should be underlined.
In anticipation of writing this essay, I’ve made notes over the last weeks I’d like to share with you.• Don’t let others define you. Be sure you’re not people pleasing and ignoring your discomfort with your present choices.• Have you given up your power? Again, be sure you are living YOUR dream, not someone else’s. Sounds doable. Be careful. Check and double-check that you own your power.• How do you prefer to spend your time? Watch what you obviously enjoy doing. Be sure you’re doing the joy part often.• What endeavors make you feel good about yourself?• (Big one) What are your insecurities? Make a list. (Yes, make a list. The effort will have its own rewards. Ask yourself: Is there anyone manipulating my insecurities? Know thyself. Do not depend on others to tell you you’re attractive, or intelligent. Conquer your demons (once you know what they are).• When was the last time you showed kindness to yourself? Did you eat what you wanted? Picked the restaurant? Invested in a massage? Took a day off – for you?
Here are quotes from FaceBook I thought were thought-provoking• Someone seeking approval puts their power in other people’s hands.• Do you depend on other people to make you happy, sad or guilty?• 10,000 years ago, one needed to be accepted to survive. Today, approval seeking is counter-emotionally productive. Put your energy into positive endeavors.• Focus time and energy on yourself. Allow it. It’s not selfish.• Each time you seek approval, you’re diminishing your own importance.• Define yourself by what makes you special, not by what others see as your weak points.• You glow differently when your confidence is fueled by belief in yourself – instead of validation from others. • I’m allowed to do what’s best for me, even if it upsets other people.
Finally, I ask you to check your childhood messages. Childhood messages were implanted before we understood what was right for us. Do the messages say you’re a star/ A story: When I was in second grade,1947, the Intelligence Quotient test was the hot thing. I was a dreamer. There was no Imagination Quotient test I could have aced. I did poorly. The teacher put us in a circle and pointed to each student. She said to those who did well, you’ll succeed. When she pointed to me, she said, “You did poorly on the test, you won’t succeed.” If she could see me now. Thanks for taking this journey with me. Irwin Jay Asher.
BoundariesAsk yourself if somewhere along your life’s journey someone has instilled boundaries. That is, you can’t do that, it’s for boys. You can’t succeed doing that, it’s for girls. I was on vacation in southwest England and took a tour of the cliffs. On the tour was a man who was friendly and really got into the rock climbing. We spoke at the end of the tour. He said he was a nurse and didn’t like talking about it. Nursing is for women, he said. Really? What pain he put himself through. Is that you? Be sure you’re not stuck in this male thing, female thing. Have the last laugh: think outside the box. When I worked in Mumbai, India, staying at the Taj Hotel, I would have breakfast with a young American man who designed socks. He told me he had met an Australian man with whom he was in love. Because the USA made it impossible for his boyfriend to move to the states, he decided to upend his life and move to Australia, which was friendly to gay couples. He did it, and lived happily ever after. I wondered then, as I wonder now, what internal messages this young man owned that said, Go for it. You can do this and succeed all over again. Check. Check your inner messages. Do your messages say: You’re a star? You can do this? ‘Can’ should be underlined.
In anticipation of writing this essay, I’ve made notes over the last weeks I’d like to share with you.• Don’t let others define you. Be sure you’re not people pleasing and ignoring your discomfort with your present choices.• Have you given up your power? Again, be sure you are living YOUR dream, not someone else’s. Sounds doable. Be careful. Check and double-check that you own your power.• How do you prefer to spend your time? Watch what you obviously enjoy doing. Be sure you’re doing the joy part often.• What endeavors make you feel good about yourself?• (Big one) What are your insecurities? Make a list. (Yes, make a list. The effort will have its own rewards. Ask yourself: Is there anyone manipulating my insecurities? Know thyself. Do not depend on others to tell you you’re attractive, or intelligent. Conquer your demons (once you know what they are).• When was the last time you showed kindness to yourself? Did you eat what you wanted? Picked the restaurant? Invested in a massage? Took a day off – for you?
Here are quotes from FaceBook I thought were thought-provoking• Someone seeking approval puts their power in other people’s hands.• Do you depend on other people to make you happy, sad or guilty?• 10,000 years ago, one needed to be accepted to survive. Today, approval seeking is counter-emotionally productive. Put your energy into positive endeavors.• Focus time and energy on yourself. Allow it. It’s not selfish.• Each time you seek approval, you’re diminishing your own importance.• Define yourself by what makes you special, not by what others see as your weak points.• You glow differently when your confidence is fueled by belief in yourself – instead of validation from others. • I’m allowed to do what’s best for me, even if it upsets other people.
Finally, I ask you to check your childhood messages. Childhood messages were implanted before we understood what was right for us. Do the messages say you’re a star/ A story: When I was in second grade,1947, the Intelligence Quotient test was the hot thing. I was a dreamer. There was no Imagination Quotient test I could have aced. I did poorly. The teacher put us in a circle and pointed to each student. She said to those who did well, you’ll succeed. When she pointed to me, she said, “You did poorly on the test, you won’t succeed.” If she could see me now. Thanks for taking this journey with me. Irwin Jay Asher.