photo @wayne.marcus

Why Do I Make Your Opinion of Me More Important Than My Opinion of Me?

An Essay by Dr. Irwin Jay Asher

I’ve been a fool – more than once in my lifetime. My perceived need ‘to be a part of’ has allowed me to compromise my common sense, and boundaries.

Scientists tell us that thousands of years ago, being part of a group was imperative to survive. If you didn’t belong to a community, and were on your own, there was a good chance a lion would eat you. Today, there is little chance a lion will eat you; however, what remains, in our genes is the need to be part of something, to belong. To believe that our personality is acceptable and wanted by groups we want to be a part of. 

I’m not just talking about family, although some families get along and want to invest in each other’s well-being. This is about the workplace. I have a therapist friend in London who had to have an office on Harley Street. Harley Street spells success. I’m thinking of people who want to live in a certain town because it is understood that if you live in Palm Beach or Palm Springs, you’ve made it.

Rather than saying, “I’m successful” – all you have to do is pull up in your Bentley, or say, “Why don’t you mail it to me? I live in Shaker Heights.”

I remember working in the fashion industry in New York City. I had to have a weekend home in the Berkshires to impress the world as vice-president of design. When my world became familiar with my disappearing weekends to my four-bedroom retreat in Massachusetts, I bought a condo in Fort Lauderdale. Now, there can be no doubt that I’m successful! I’m exhausted writing about it; living that life exhausted me.

I agree with the scientists who say our genes still tell us we need to belong. But, I believe strongly it’s our Inner Child that motivates us to sacrifice our common sense and fight to be seen as beautiful or handsome or bright or successful. The Inner Child registers every event we experience. I repeat, every event. Our Inner Child remembers us trying to please our parents. Our Inner Child reminds us of whether the boys and girls in our class accepted us. Why weren’t we invited to Johnny’s birthday party? Negative message take hold. They are easier and more permanently than positive messages.

A story comes to mind: I had a female client who told me of pledging her high school sorority. The girls in the sorority would walk by your home; if they stopped at your front door, it meant you were accepted. If they walked by, you were turned down. They walked by my client’s door. Problem? The story was twenty years old. She lived and relived the rejection. The message is that we want to belong.

I’ve sat across from so many men who, as adults, were still trying to make decisions that would please their father. The same is true for women. So many women I’ve worked with were told by their mother that they were a disappointment. My brother married the girl next door. I knew her well. She complained that her adult daughter was not like her. She remembered how loving and attentive she was with her mother, and wanted her daughter to be loving and attentive – according to her definition of loving and attentive. I’m here to say that my sister-in-law was not loving and attentive to her mother. I’m sure, to her core, she believes what she believes. Because my niece cannot live with her mother’s disappointment, they are estranged.

What is the point? The point, for me, is not to allow anyone to define you. Do not define yourself by labels other people stick on you. I have found that if someone appears usure of themselves – or vulnerable – many people will gladly define them.

Read my essay on Negativity Bias. If you’re asked to do a presentation at work, and it goes well, ten people will shake your hand, and say, “Well done.” And then your colleague walks up and says, “You should have started with a more powerful example.” Is it true? One person’s criticism immediately overshadows any amount of praise. Am I correct? Has that happened to you?

Everyone wants to be liked. It’s part of the human condition; we crave connection, intimacy and relationships that mirror our need to be loved and understood. How do we stop investing in other people’s opinion of us? How do we cement in place what we think of ourselves and NOT allow ourselves to be bullied away from our definition of self? The people who spend their time pulling others down are bullies.

Be aware of who you are investing in:

People can be demanding. People can overwhelm your life and your routine. Be kind to yourself. Pick people who appreciate what you offer. More importantly, be aware of what you offer. We Americans are brought up not to identify what makes us special. It smacks of pride. Time to rethink. My life changed when I took the time to understand who I am, what I offer, and why people wanted to be a part of my life. If you value yourself, and understand how generous you are, you won’t give it away. You’ll think before you invest. It aves a lot of agita. 

“Disconnect to Connect”

A book by Amy Vetter asks the reader to ‘Tap into the power within you to create the life you deserve. 
List all the people in your life: friends and family. Rate each one 1-10. One is someone who wastes your time. Ten being someone you can’t wait to spend time with. What does your score add up to? High? Low? If your score is high, pat yourself on the back and ask yourself what you’re doing right. Do more of it. If your score is low, it’s time to take action. It’s time to get smart and fill your life with people who add to it.

Social Media and You:

Ask yourself: Who am I investing in online. People who make me feel valued? Or, people who fill my lonely hours? As a trained therapist who has gone through years of personal therapy, I have found, and do find, it easy to be introspective and figure out who should and should not be in my life. I am respectful that some people find it difficult to be introspective and figure out why negative people are in one’s life. Be patient. Find a therapist. Find a therapist you connect with. 
Funny story: I felt I had an anger problem and wanted to return to therapy. There are lots of therapists where I live in south Florida. I scrolled through all the photos online, and asked myself, Who would you like to spend an hour with every week? I looked at all the photos and found a winner.

Take a break from social media:

More than a month ago, I decided I was spending too much time on Facebook and Instagram – hoping that some friend or family member had reached out and sent a message that said, ‘I am thinking of you,’ or ‘You are special,” etc. I decided: This is not emotionally healthy. I was looking for love in all the wrong places. Now that I’m no longer searching for a connection, I am free. 
Talk about freedom! I am free emotionally. I continue learning to hug myself. Moira Hutchison, a woman I admire, suggested creating a folder. In the folder put all positive messages. Great idea. When I’m feeling emotionally vulnerable, I look in my special folder and read the love and appreciation from people who get me. Positives vs negatives.

When was the last time you had a belly laugh?

Jimmy Kimmel, at the Academy Awards, teased Meryl Streep unmercifully. Donald Trump had called Meryl an overrated actress. Kimmel picked up on the theme and said Meryl was indeed an overrated actress. The audience howled. He was unrelenting. The audience was in stitches. I watch the clip on YouTube over and over again. It makes me laugh every time. 
Who makes you laugh? I make a lot of people laugh. I’ve always managed to see the humor in life. It’s okay to have serious conversations with thoughtful people, but, find people who tickle your funny bone. Try to find humor in your life. Share funny stories. Make people laugh. I believe there’s a special reward for people who make other people laugh. I’ll talk about that reward in another essay!

Are you content not pleasing everyone?

No matter what you do, certain people will not approve of you or your accomplishments. I have a sister-in-law, who, in my opinion, disapproves of me. Why? She has said out loud that she disapproves of my being gay. She fears, and fear is the word, that her children or grandchildren might become gay if we are in the same room together. It sounds ignorant in the twenty-first century, but I live it. When I was in the fashion business in New York City, salespeople disliked me because their buyer preferred hearing the presentation from the guy who designed it all. As long as I didn’t have to ask for the order, the part I abhorred. I let go of the negative energy and took in the respect of the buyers.

Letting go is so very hard to do, or is it?

Why would someone write a song about letting go is so very hard to do? What had the composer gone through to make the words flow? You invest. You think the person loves or appreciates you back. Disappointments add up. A voice inside you says, Let go. You fight the voice. He’s been so kind, you say. She’s been so thoughtful, you say. And then the humiliations add up; the condescension adds up. And suddenly, you can’t look away any more. The truth stands before you. You let go. As time passes, you must forgive yourself for not acting sooner. Later is better than never.

Measuring up is so very hard to do:

Don’t do it. Don’t compare yourself to your brother’s accomplishments. Don’t. I’ve worked with too many sons who fret over not measuring up to their father’s expectations. You are your own unique person. I have found that father’s who make their sons miserable because of expectations, themselves had a father who instilled expectations. 
I had two clients: a father and a son. The father was a financially successful engineer. His friends, also successful, had sons who became doctors and lawyers. The father would complain to me that he didn’t have ‘proud points’ to boast at dinner with friends. His sons were living the simple life; no graduate degrees. He made the older son so miserable, he moved to the far West Coast, never to be heard from again. What was gained? Was the problem the father’s? The son’s? Both?

Practice: I love who I am.

I can’t believe it. Once again, I suggest the movie, I Am Love, directed by Luca Guadagnio, and starring Tilda Swinton. It’s the story of a Russian woman who meets an Italian man from a prominent family. They marry. She has two children and spends her married life fitting in and keeping everyone comfortable. Then her son dies. She says, No more. She becomes her own person. Perhaps, for the first time in her life, she asks herself – what are my dreams? She stops living her life as her husband has prescribed, and is finally thinking independently.  Brava, I say. 

Do you know who you are? Is your definition of yourself grounded in self-belief? Look at the people in your life: Do they enforce the best of you? Do they see you?

Invest in people who support you.

Forgive yourself:

Forgiving yourself takes practice. After years of judging and blaming yourself, it takes time and effort. Let go of what you shoulda, coulda done. Focus on what you have done right in your lifetime. Invest in people who see what you offer and have the goodwill to share their positive thoughts. It sounds simple; actually it’s a challenge. Friends and family can be competitive. Invest in people who do not fear investing in you.

Affirmations:

Dare to make a list of affirmations. I am creative. I am good at math. I know how to raise children. I’m great at ballroom dancing. I write poetry. 
Make your list. Add to it as you become comfortable with saying positive things about yourself.

Journal

Monitor your growth by journaling. Write something everyday that’s important to you. Go back and read last month’s entry. Notice your growth. Notice your authentic self emerging.

The word ‘power’ comes to mind. If you care what other people think of you, you are giving up your power – the power to see who you really are and live as the person you truly are. If you hold on to your power, I guarantee you will be more confident. 
I have found that the more a person offers, the more qualities they possess, the more people try to tear you down. You have to believe what you believe – and hold on to those beliefs. You will achieve greater levels of success and happiness.

Edited by Kim Campbell